message to my LD wife. Thoughts?

[Strong&Alive]

It sounds like you are getting on track. It will be tough to start living out on your own edge, but you will feel the difference and not want to go back.


"*side note: The part that I think Puppy said about not needing her, but still wanting her....I need to explore what this looks like for real...any help here?*"


This, for men in your situation, is a defining period in the marriage. Once you truly believe that you no longer "need" your wife, the scales will just drop from your eyes, and you will see her as she really is, not the way you wanted her to be, or desperately hoped that she would one day be, or the way that you somehow thought you deserved her to be. You will see all her imperfections, issues and problems in sharp relief. You will stop trying to change her from what she truly is.


You may seriously ask yourself whether you truly love the real woman at all, much less desire her in a sexual way. You then have a choice, you can say "no" and share your new-found masculine freedom with another woman, or you can stay in the marriage, now acting and speaking as a red-blooded autonomous man, and see what happens. If you stay out of choice, you will no longer feel that you live in captivity. You will love her without expectation, without agenda, without "guilting" her, you will do things only because they are right, or because you truly want to. If you are acting as the very best man that you ever wanted to be, you will be surprised how much inside you will become unlocked. My own view is that a true man gives all he reasonably can, but needs no "reward". That may sound a lofty ideal, but history tells me it is one we all have to strive for.


Does that mean you are some kind of martyr in this marriage? No - you now already know you can leave at any time, without bitterness, because this life is now all your own choice.


So does that mean your wife will carry on being ungracious, mean-spirited and unfeminine? She can, but I doubt it. The majority of women are no more screwed up by "society" than us men. Let us assume your wife is in the majority. If you fundamentally change - on the deepest and most spiritual levels you can reach - only for you and no-one else, she will notice the difference. She will notice, because you will be beyond her control, marked by boundaries which will not move or cave in under her pressure, her complaining, and even her anger. Women have a powerful urge to "test" masculinity - otherwise how would they know it was the real thing? It may take time, but real inner masculinity is unmistakeable. It is a ship that always finds its way through the storm. She will feel attracted to you, and sparks will start to fly. You will then have a healthy atmosphere in which to have an honest physical relationship. This does not mean an endless diet of sex - but that is missing the point. You and she will be able to have real sex, not obligation sex. Some form of new equilibrium will be reached. You may well end up enjoying this new, honest marriage, even though it is not what your own parents' relationship led you to expect.


On the other hand, your wife may still choose to withold from you her own gifts of sexual femininity, but if you only want rather than need her, your reaction this time will feel different and will be differently expressed. You may be wistful or even sad, but you will not be angry, depressed, scared, weak or needy.


Ultimately, you may decide to leave her. But you will do so for the right reasons, and you will not harbour the illusion that out there somewhere is a woman that is just perfect for you, who can help you be the best man you must truly want to be.