I can tell you that I prefer this over the blaming, spewing, cursing, lying ex....
It helps put so much clarity on my situation.
It is funny when you are in the midst of their cycling, how you don't realize how utterly ridiculous your situation is, or even looks to an outsider.
Imagine watching a movie where this guy was married happily for 20 years. He has a beautiful house, loving wife and great kids. He gets the hots for his secretary who is 10 years younger than he. She practices yoga and worships at some buddhist temple. He starts eating organic and starts wearing muscle shirts and buys a sports car. He even buys some "sex enhancing pills".
Would you laugh at him in the movie? Think that he is ridiculous? arrogant? self-serving? selfish? YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES........
Imagine his reaction to what he looks like when he finally gets a grip on his reality.
"Holy [censored] I'm an ass"
He will be embarrassed, humiliated, shocked, etc...
What and how can you be to make him feel comfortable to come back to your home??????? Are you doing this? Do your actions speak louder than your words? They look for actions, not words. They don't hear your words.
Do they see softness in your eyes? Do they see God in your life? Do they see forgiveness? Do they see stength? Are they seeing you stand for your marriage? Are they seeing you be the best person you can be? Are you not pursuing. They hate pursuing. They see this as control.
We all know what we are not suppose to do. It is easier said than done, right? Keep reminding yourselves that the more we follow the above, the more the chances of our spouses returning. Do I know this as a fact, no. It makes sense though. I wish all of you strength to do this and the patience it takes to wait for their return.
God Bless.......
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Imagine his reaction to what he looks like when he finally gets a grip on his reality.
"Holy [censored] I'm an ass"
He will be embarrassed, humiliated, shocked, etc...
What and how can you be to make him feel comfortable to come back to your home??????? Are you doing this? Do your actions speak louder than your words? They look for actions, not words. They don't hear your words.
Do they see softness in your eyes? Do they see God in your life? Do they see forgiveness? Do they see stength? Are they seeing you stand for your marriage? Are they seeing you be the best person you can be? Are you not pursuing. They hate pursuing. They see this as control.
We all know what we are not suppose to do. It is easier said than done, right? Keep reminding yourselves that the more we follow the above, the more the chances of our spouses returning. Do I know this as a fact, no. It makes sense though. I wish all of you strength to do this and the patience it takes to wait for their return.
God Bless.......
Trusting,
Wow. This is an awesome post. I need to print this out and carry it around with me.
Thank you.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
T yes it is the truth what can we do to stand another day? I think it helps to read posts to remind ourselves we are not crazy as our situations are really quite bizaar to the normal person we can bearly understand our spouses choices now but when we read others posts it helps us realize this MLC is a real condition as much as I read on it and for 15 months of living thru it, I still think its BS at times peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I use to see it as BS, but there is no way our situations could be so similar if it was not a illness/crisis. There is such a pattern of behavior that is so predictable.
The possibility of research in this area is phenomenal.
No one really understands/knows what we are experiencing.
It is almost unexplainable at times.
Even if you do try to explain it, some just think you are exaggerating.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Or to add to what you are saying T people think we are making "excuses for them." They say "how could you take him back? how could he etc etc..." and we say dunno - just know i read on this board and talk to others who have experienced the same and it is ALL IDENTICAL!!
I find it refreshing coming to the board- reading your threads (and others) and seeing the insanity...but I must say your movie writing was perfect. We would laugh at him - and we would wonder what hte H was going on.
There are no gaurantees- you are right T. That is why we must do our own thing. Also- we can't pursue- again this was another fantastic reminder --- not only do they see it as control- but they like to be the pursuer..great reminder.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
How you doing trusting? Been thinking of you today. I do so much wrong- so many stupid CHOICES that only hurt me...how have you been so strong? How have you stayed the course?
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I certainly have not been perfect on this journey. By going dark, it allows you perspective and time to evaluate actions before you do them.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
To become not REACTIVE be proactive. It is such a change for me.
I think what I notice MOST in you T is that you have done what YOU need to do for YOU. As I have watched, your pain, your sorrow and your fears do not control your actions.
My C wants me to be at NC....FOR ME. Funny, in the beginning I would do EVERYTHING in regards to DB for HIM not for ME. The change and shift is so strange and foreign to me.
Thank you for continually being honest and open.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
