Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[cagzmom]

A friend of mine told me yesterday -- it is time Cagzmom let go. She is a TRUE believer in reconcilation....and was in no way saying give up on God. But she has walked this with me such BOMB day. She was the first person I called after H said the dreaded statement....she has been in my life since we were 10..she knows me well.

I feel it strongly. I have to continue to do this stupid thing called moving ahead and I dont want to. It is time. Trusting is so right about going dark...it helps us keep perspective- it helps our emotions stay in tact so we can think with a level head....it is what my C suggested (he doesn't call it going dark -- but says no contact).

NO contact. Man oh man is it wierd. You walk by them and don't say a word. If there is direct eye to eye contact you give the head nod..a friendly hey how you doin' smile...but you don't act on it. SO NEW FOR ME. I am used to talking to him and asking him questios - trying to see inside his head. But, I haven't face to face talked to him in over a week -maybe 2(HA! seems like so much longer)

What has it done for me?
*Kept my emotions from flying out the window
*Kept me from believing "possible lies"
*Protecting my heart so it can heal
*Doesn't allow me to open teh wound over and over
*Focus on ME (ok not doing great on this one....work in progress)

Even with NC I still can get obssessed...it is a challenge...harder then quitting smoking. I can't "take a hit" or I just go crazy.

I can't figure out what it is that God wants to do in me. Last night I told him that He had all of me. My H used to have all of me. Last summer I told him that I had died inside--that what he had done to me had killed me....I believe that to be true. WHO I WAS is dead...and it is time for some new stinkin' life!!

AGAIN today I say...I want my life back.