No contact from H after the closing on the land. I'm not going to pretend that I was a great DBer while I was there. It was really obvious that I was upset. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. H knew how upset I was, but I don't think he knew what to do about it. When I was leaving I just walked straight to my car and broke down terribly. He followed me to my car and just stood outside my door for a few minutes. I finally opened the car door and asked if he needed anything. He just said that he didn't want to leave without telling me "Bye". So I said goodbye to him and left. He was driving behind me down the main road of our town. I know he knew I was still crying. I was shaking and crying hysterically. I know that he stood by the car because he was worried, but I just couldn't let him comfort me. There was no way he COULD have comforted me anyway. After the closing, I went to pick up my kids at daycare and went to my parents house for the afternoon. I just needed to be around people who loved me. My dad said something that bothered me, but I know how he is. I was telling him how hard it was because I so badly want to work this out. My dad said "Well, you can hang that up. He isn't coming back. Even if he did, you could never trust him again. You'll always be worried that he'll leave again." My dad is just one of those people who doesn't mince words. I know that, so I just let his comment go. He does NOT support me in DBing. He thinks it is a waste of time for me and the kids. On the way home from my parents house the kids and I stopped by our new land. We walked around for a little bit, and they were pretty excited about it. It was nice to just share some joy with them, even if it was bitter sweet. What a rotten day.
Today is a new day. My IC told me that I need to try to monitor what times of day I seem to have a hard time. I have noticed that I really have a hard time first thing in the morning, like right now. I am visualizing my stop sign, and just trying to get through it. I know when I get to work I will stop thinking about H, so I am just focusing on that. Maybe I will get used to this new routine. Perhaps then it won't hurt so bad.
