I am new here and this is my first post. It is going to be long!
Well, we were married for 17yrs, we have 3 boys, S13, S15 and S16. About 8 months ago, STBXW became distant and argumentative. Before that we hardly ever argues, did everything together, had a great sex life, went out at least once a week for meals etc, went abroad as a family at least once a year. We had just bought a lovely big house which we renovated to our tastes. After a minor argument about one of our sons’ behaviour at school, she said ‘that’s it, I don’t want the relationship anymore!’. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. During the days, weeks that followed, she started saying things like ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, ‘I love you but not in love with you’, ‘you are a nice man, I don’t deserve you?’, ‘What is happening to us?’. On 5 occasions, she approached me for sex, which I obliged. I noticed during this period that she became hyper sexual. I mean we used to have sex 4 to 5 times a week on average, but it became something she thought about all day, she said. Within 2 to 3 days of her asking to have sex with me, she would say ‘sex, confuses things! Should we stop? I feel disloyal’. Each time I said to her that it was she who initiated it. So we would stop, then within a week or so she would say ‘I am still attracted to you, could we have sex?’. At one point I became exasperated with this yoyo behaviour and asked her if she wanted a divorce and the house sold. She said yes, but it would make her feel guilty to initiate it. So I made an appointment with the solicitors. This was before Christmas. Shortly before Christmas Day, she was out, came back crying and asked me to stop the divorce and house sale. ‘Let’s try again she said’. So I cancelled the appointment with the solicitors and asked the Estate Agents to remove the house from the market. Within 5 days, she went back again to wanting a divorce and the house sold.
At this point I started snooping. In addition to her full-time employment, she does voluntary work. She visits detainees who are due to be deported back to their countries of origin due to criminal offences. I found out that she was visiting an Iranian guy, 10 years younger, with a history of heroine addiction and a criminal record. He also had a child and a girlfriend. She was having an emotional affair with him and felt strong attachment to him. She got him lawyers and helped him come out on bail. At this point, I confronted her, but she said I was crazy and that he was just a friend and that she was doing it out of compassion. She said she may or may not ever see him again. I kept snooping and found out that she went to visit him on her birthday. I then asked her the following day had she been to see him. She said the same thing about me being crazy and jealous and swore that she hadn’t. However, when I said to her that I knew what she had for lunch with him, she broke down and cried endlessly, but still maintained that there was nothing going on.
Before this we still shared the same house for about six months. I explained to her that I couldn’t stay in the same house with her while she was disrespecting me. She had access to one of her father’s empty houses, so she moved out 6 weeks ago. The boys see both of us 50/50. Four days ago, one of my sons went to her house at 7am. She was not in, so he called her and she told him she had spent the night at the OM’s house. I spoke to her about it and she said that she had now developed a relationship with him and that she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. However, she denied that he was the cause of the break-up.
The boys were very upset about this and told her that if he ever comes to her house, they would leave. She is not perturbed by that. At the moment, he is the centre of her universe and there is nobody that can stop her. He is from Iran and in order for him to stay in the country, he would need to marry a British citizen…and that where she comes in!
Now as I said, I applied for divorce and I should receive the decree Nisi any day now. After this, I will have to sign after 6 weeks have passed if I still want to go ahead with the divorce and return to the court to get the decree absolute. I am tempted to just sign it and let her get on with it, but when I think about the impact of her marrying someone who will undoubtedly use her to stay in the country, particularly on my boys, I think maybe I shouldn’t sign?
I do not wish to go back with her due to the betrayal and loss of trust and I also have met a nice woman over the past 3 months. We are taking things slow, but get on really well.
I am meeting STBXW this evening for a drink. We agreed to stay friends, go out for a meal once a month as friends and go out with the boys as a family once a fortnight. I am trying to leave the hurt and resentment behind and reconnect with her as we once were very close.
So my question is: Should I just finalise the divorce, stay friends for the sake of the boys and let her live her life with OM?
Should I delay the divorce and hopefully the guy will get deported back to Iran? (although, STBXW is a stubborn and determined woman…NOBODY in the whole wide world could EVER get her to change her mind about things!
