Armour plated, as the rocks get thrown, pick em up and throw em back.
This is when you need your strength and your wits about you, no time for letting people off with things, this legal stuff requires your full attention. Be one step ahead of the game, start thinking ahead, think of the future without H in it, just you and your 3 kids, you now need to enter survival mode. Think ambitiously.
You are on show, show your best, the strong, self motivated, self worth Alison that will do everything in her power to provide for your self and your kids - believe me it is what it is like.
I am nearly at the end of a two year battle, I am strong and see it as a challenge, a business deal that my future depends on. I am sad of course that h chose to remove me from his good past and place me in a world where he didn't exist but you know what there are many, many lovely people in my world that love me and want to be with me, I wish I could say the same for H.
He is not the strong person he was, he has lost friends, he family, plenty of money, and his position at work is in a mess. At the end of this 2 year battle he is a sad, lonely man. I used to feel sorry for him, but not anymore, he has had opportunity after opportunity to sort this mess out, he isn't ready and doesn't have the strength, he continues to excuse his behaviour.
Alison, you are not a failure, you have thought through your decision - You have shown stregth not weakness.
One thing I will say - when H petitioned me for my unreasonable behaviour I was soooooo hurt, he couldn't wait to hurt me, he knew what he was doing when he wrote the words he used. At least you have removed this opportunity from your H by agreeing to the D.
Look after yourself, enjoy the holiday weekend, do something nice, something for you.
I'm so sorry Alison! I know this isn't what you wanted at all but JMW is so right on. Make sure you're detached enough from teh emotional part of it to have your family taken care of with the D. Don't be the kind person and give in to certain requests when you need things for you and the kids. We're all here for you!
When S15 was here the other night he reverted to type and did not come back on time for me to take him back to Hs etc. On my third telephone call to him to find out where he was he said he was getting a lift back (from one of his friend's who drives) and that he had already let H know about it. When I asked why he hadn't had the courtesy to let me know he said he had no credit left. So I sent H a big long TM about him having responsibility for passing on information like that to me as I am after all still S15s legal guardian. No reply of course.
Yesterday S15 let slip that when he did get home H and OW were already in bed. That really p88sed me off b/c I ALWAYS wait up for him.
I was really late home last night as I had to go to an evening meeting. I had forgotten my mobile in the morning so there were loads of messages and missed calls on it. One was from S15s music teacher - again. He was saying how urgent it was that he heard from me. I immediately called H and asked him if he had called last week when he was supposed to and he said he had forgotten! I was so angry but I held it back and just asked him to deal with it today. I even had to give him the number again! I have spent so long building up a good R with school over S15s truancy and lack of effort in his work and H has ruined it in just one short week.
This morning I logged onto my emails (as I didn't have chance to look at them yesterday). There were two from H (completely unheard of). The first told me that he would pay S15s pocket money this month. I just replied OK. I wish I had looked at the other one first (as that actually arrived first). This one was to tell me that he was reducing the maintenance even further due to S15 staying with him. He told me it had gone down further than I might have expected as his taxes have increased (all our f888ing taxes have increased). It is serious money he has reduced it by. He did take care to tell me he had taken advice from the Child Support Agency! Of course they don't know that he has been underpaying for most of the time he has been away b/c I have never involved them. So my reply pointed out that we didn't even know for sure if S15s move there was permanent. I also asked for recompense for the £70 trainers I bought S15 last Saturday and the £22 I gave him for his school prom. I was more than happy to pay for these things but not if H is going to be so pedantic as this.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
It seems it never gets easier when the kids get older. Stuff costs more. Crazyness goes up. Try each day to avoid being drawn to the crazy. If money is getting tight now, and you can't realistically change all that, then change how you approach it.
If you buy S15 shoes without getting H to agree on half the charges, you should not assume he will share later. If he does, great ... but not likely, right? Maybe just let S15 know that since he decision to move is affecting you financially you need him to understand cutting costs is not revenge, it is simply required business.
As for splitting all expenses with H ... what if he starts deciding to let S15 buy things he does not need, without talking to your first? Do you want to be expected to pay half without voting? Will H let S15 buy more just because he knows you will owe half, while he gets "points" for saying ok?
You need to set boundaries on these matters so there is a mutual rule in place up front, and no confusion later about anyone might owe or should help pay. Try to reduce the risk of your unexpected frustrations with H being misdirected toward S15.
Glad to see you posting, venting, and sharing your journey. No one should have to go it alone. Hope things calm down for you so the weekend might offer some rest.
One was from S15s music teacher - again. He was saying how urgent it was that he heard from me. I immediately called H and asked him if he had called last week when he was supposed to and he said he had forgotten! I was so angry but I held it back and just asked him to deal with it today. I even had to give him the number again! I have spent so long building up a good R with school over S15s truancy and lack of effort in his work and H has ruined it in just one short week.
Oh this must be so incredibly frustrating. Plus, it is bad, bad, bad for s15. I hate it when my S15 is with his dad, and comes home having been out for dinner, but not having done all of his homework. I can just imagine how this feels to you.
Have you thought through the pros and cons of contacting all of S15's teachers, tutors, etc. and telling them that he is temporarily living with his dad, and here is dad's cell phone, email and phone #. I'm sure there is a downside to this, but it was my immediate response. You can't make dad be a real parent. But he can have to field all the calls and complaints. Just a thought, it may be a stupid one!
I'm with w2s, I think it is good to get it all out here. After all none of us really knows how to do this, and those of us with teens can use all the support we can get!
W2 & AH, Thanks for your support. Even before I had read your posts I had spoken to S15 explaining that I am no longer in a position to pay for 'extra's'. It made me feel so bad. He was banking on me paying out to hire him a tux and for his 'share' of the limo that one of his friends have hired to get them to their school prom. I had to explain to him that with such a reduction in maintenance this was no longer possible. He wasn't happy b/c as he so rightly says H will not want to pay for these. He did ask if I could contribute but I had to point out to him that for similar things for his sisters H had not contributed and I had had to go it alone. He said he understood but I felt so bad about having to have this convo. I even phoned him back later to tell him how bad I felt and he said he knew.
H did contact the music teacher and he did feed back to me but only b/c I insisted on it.
What's so interesting about all of this is that H is being forced to communicate with me even though he doesn't want to and already I can tell he is not very happy with that.
AH, I have already let the school know that S15 is staying with his dad at the moment but clearly the message has not sunk in.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
H was here earlier. He came to take D12 out. I opened the door for him whilst in the middle of writing a TM to a friend. He stood like an idiot in the porch.
He eventually came in when I said D12 was still eating her tea and he would have to wait for a minute or two. He stood awkwardly in the hall.
He must have seen D18s car in the drive when he came in but he never asked if she was here so eventually I said D18 is in the dining room. He went in there to talk to her.
I'm going away this weekend with a female friend so I just went in and told him that if he needed to contact me about S15 at all over the weekend he would have to do it via my mobile. A short convo took place but he avoided any eye contact with me at all. He just looked at the floor the whole time. Me thinks a certain person is carrying a LOT of guilt around with him at the moment.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
