Hi sh- My XH's OW (now W) I would consider to be the woman the wants to hurt the W...I am still trying to figure out why...but it really doesn't matter anymore.
Sounds like being warm and fuzzy is paying off a little for you...or do you think that it could be to the deteriorating R of your H and the orge? Anyway, keep doing what you are doing. When you are you moving?
I would think it is is the way you are interacting with him that's working. Keep it up, girl. I think most men wants a woman who admires him and does not like being turned down. I guess most people, men or women, are like that. When H asks for something (which is not often because my H is very independent, which is bad in its own way because I don't feel being needed), I try to say yes all the time. Once I asked him for information so I know where to send a check to, he said he had the info and would give it to me but completely forgot about it. I asked a second time, he just asked me to dig out the info himself (which would take more time since it is his work stuff). But fine, he is busy working, so I didn't say much and just did it. Before I would have told him "it's your stuff, you do it". Now, I am doing it gladly, as a loving act. He seems to appreciate it. it works both way. Like the other day, I broke the a drain pipe in the kitchen (not really my fault but still). He helped me fix the whole thing without the usual "You shouldn't have done that". I thanked him tons, of course, ha ha. So we turned a potential blaming situation into a boosting-H-ego-you-fixed-the-pipe-so-fast scene.
Grap your opportunity if H and ogre is not doing well. Show him you are a lovely, friendly, not clingy, fun, admiring, warm person you are. It won't hurt anyway. Take care
SH Yes I agree..you are probably making H feel safe and he in turn wants to give you something back financially take it and thank him I so hope this will be the END of the poor pitiful Ogre obviously any woman who will openly date a M man who appears to be in conflict is very desperate I bet there are many woman out there who prey on these type of guys but it definitely wont last I wonder if these gurls feel guilt and shame too for the pain they have helped to create on a fmily i certainly hope so peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Another month has flown by. No changes to report. I don't know what's going on with H and don't think my interactions with him are worth mentioning. Thinking of anything as a baby step automatically makes me attach expectations...which only leads to disappointment. So, I'm doing my best to try not to speculate, but it's difficult. Most importantly, I think he's still running - not facing his issues. Realizing that makes staying detached easier.
Upside: I'm moving in another month. Shopping for appliances and home stuff on my own is both fun and depressing. It's great to be able to get everything that I want, but I'd so much rather have someone to make these decisions with. Seeing all the couples and families out shopping together doesn't help - especially thinking of H doing these things with ogre. (Despite the break-up rumors, I think they're still going strong.) Mostly, I'm trying to focus on making this next place exactly how I've always imagined MY home to be, instead of thinking about what H would and wouldn't like.
OC: You are absolutely right. Ego-boosting doesn't come naturally for me, but I'm working on it. Been too busy to chat lately. When things settle down, I'll give you a call to see how things are going for you in piecing-land.
peace: Maybe I'm giving ogre too much credit, but I'm sure that my H convinced her that things were over before she entered the picture. As much as I'd like to, it's hard to blame her. At some point, we are all guilty of believing what we want to believe. At the end of it all, she'll end up another victim in this train wreck that H has created - but with no sympathy from me!
peace, When I first started getting off the boards more, it did help to detach. It's hard to say - I still feel a strong connection here even though it's only you, Upside and OC that usually respond and that I communicate with. But I feel like I know so many of the other oldtimers on here, just from reading their stories and keeping up with their sitches. I guess I feel like I still belong here. It's always comforting to come back.
On the other hand, when I am able to pull myself away and then come back to read/lurk/check-up on people, I find that the majority of the sitches are the same or have gotten worse. There are less than a handful of posters on here whose spouses have returned. Then there are those who do return, only to leave again. Doesn't do much for keeping my hope alive. I sometimes compare it to American Idol and think that every week, someone's gotta leave the show and wonder when it's going to be my turn. Am I just postponing the inevitable? Am I one of the strong ones who will make it through or am I only kidding myself?
I have to admit that seeing posters report the same things week after week, searching for signs, trying to read in to their S's behavior has helped me look at my own sitch objectively - I see that week after week, my sitch really hasn't changed, which is why I don't update as often. If, however, you look at my sitch in blocks of about 6 months, only then can you see some minor changes. Still, they mean very little at this point. And I suppose I won't know what it all means until the end (although it never really does end), when I'm able to connect all the dots.
I'm thankful because I know my sitch could be so much worse. I have my boys and that's what counts most to me. H and I are civil and possibly rebuilding a (distant) friendship. If that's all H is capable of at the moment, it's better than nothing. I don't want to continue like this indefinitely, but it's bearable for now. I'm ready for a D, but also curious to see where this will lead. But when the time comes when I want to file, I'm going to tell my MIL to please not ask me to be patient and wait any longer because I want to keep moving forward. I might be living my life now, but without getting the D, that part of my life will be stuck.
Here's a little meaningless update that I'm trying not to read in to: For the first time today, me and the boys all went to H's office together because I needed his signature. When we were done, I thanked him, didn't linger and started to leave. He stalled us for a while and then showed me his new coffee machine and made me try a cup, which of course kept us there longer. Strange behavior, for someone who always seems to be in a hurry to get away from me.
See - I'm guilty of it too: more of the same! And one of the dangers of not posting often is that you end up with superlong posts that bore people to tears...
SH yes ..you are right my situation has also been the same for probably a year always the same sometimes there is a little shift like the coffee thing then it returns to normal for us my question now is when do you know its over? I might do over to D thread and post it like we can probably hold on a long time reading into anything hoping for a sign? when do we give up> peaople have said,,you will know when your done..Im trusting that b/c I dont want to be here next year still standing peace and alos I too have noticed it is a very low number of Spouses to return on this board so I think the same as you..what are the odds..yet we still hole on
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I don't think it's over until both parties are finished. I've also been told that one day I'll wake up and just know, but I wonder if that only applies to R's, not to M's. I know I'm fully capable of moving on, but I feel like it will never truly be over - a part of me will always hold on to our M and what we had. I also think that for the one who is still holding on that it probably takes a major event - like us meeting someone else or god forbid seeing H with new wife and/or family to really make it over that final hill to move on. But it's up to us to make our way up the hill first.
As for giving up... Maybe we don't ever give up. Hold on until we are given no choice but to ACCEPT our S's decision, rather than give up. My dad has wanted whatever is going to happen with H and I to be resolved quickly since the beginning of this, even if it meant D. He recently told me that if I know what I want, then I should go for it, no matter what. He also said that you can't put a time limit on things like this, which was really surprising to hear coming from him. We give ourselves timelines to help us make it through. But come next year, you may find that standing is effortless and time passes quickly. You may start to see small changes in your H. It's too soon to say, so just keep taking it one day at a time. Don't feel pressured by anyone to decide what is best for you and your family. Only you know.
On the other hand, when I am able to pull myself away and then come back to read/lurk/check-up on people, I find that the majority of the sitches are the same or have gotten worse. There are less than a handful of posters on here whose spouses have returned. Then there are those who do return, only to leave again. Doesn't do much for keeping my hope alive. I sometimes compare it to American Idol and think that every week, someone's gotta leave the show and wonder when it's going to be my turn. Am I just postponing the inevitable? Am I one of the strong ones who will make it through or am I only kidding myself?
I can not tell you how many times this has run through my mind...well except for the American Idol part (lol)! The only thing I have to add is that each situation is different and we LBSs have to ulimately do what is right for us...that could mean standing indefinately or it could just be until we have given it all we've got or it could be a specified amount of time. You may wake up one day and know your done or you may not...but regardless, we all just need to live each day to the fulliest by enjoying and appreciating the blessings that we do have in our lives...and I believe the rest will eventually fall into place. It can be difficult to take the focus off of what is missing in our lives especially in the beginning of all of this but it does get easier to focus on the positives over time.
Now when I start to whine and complain, please remind me that I posted that.
As far as your move goes, it would be easier if your H was around to help you make the choices, but in the end, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and empowerment that you did it all on your own. I hope your move goes well.
