Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[sandi2]

Dear CBK, wow.....what happened? I was just talking on your thread and it locked and the next thing I saw was a new thread and you were falling apart. It broke my heart to see you in that kind of pain and I wasn't here when you needed me. But as you saw, there are many that came to you in your time of need. I think you have had more responses the quickest of any I have ever seen.....so that says something, doesn't it? People on here care for you.

I actually cried when I read how badly you were hurting b/c you see....my H never let me see his pain. I only saw the ugly side of him. I wonder if I had seen him in that kind of agony how I would have reacted to him. I can't help but think that it would have melted my heart toward him b/c I know that I do love him and I never meant to hurt him. We tell people here on the board not to show the WAW any crying, begging, clinging, etc. b/c it shows her weakness in the H. And, that is true and I support that principle. However, like I said, if I had seen my H's raw pain like I saw in you......I just think it would have done something to me. But he would not open up and let me see that....he never has. He talked ugly to me and let me see a side of him that I never want to see again. He had every right to talk to me the way he did.....but it wasn't him.....not the real person I married. I wanted to just get away from that person b/c I did not like him. He suffered in his own private times, but I think I would have come around sooner if he had come to me and talked sweetly and softly and told me how much he loved and needed me. Now that was just my stitch.....not yours. I felt really bad about what I said or rather how I said what I did in that last post when I was saying that I had not apologized to my H and probably wouldn't as long as he proclaimed he had not done anything wrong. I have thought of hardly anything else since then. I really thought hard to remember what all was said when we were trying to reconcile. That is when he brought up about I had not apologized to him and I knew I could not do it in the "way" he wanted me to. However, I wanted you to know that I do remember telling him at one point in our talks that I was sorry for what I had done and as I told you last night, I had told him that I never wanted to hurt him. I do still have resentment that I battle, but it is from many years and it is hard to turn lose and have that fresh mind set of a beginner's R. Just kind of wanted to clear that up, b/c I don't know why I said it like I did other that I was putting myself back in that time frame and feeling those same feelings over again. That is one reason that I tell people that it is not always good to ask a lot of questions about the affair after you have reconciled with your spouse b/c it makes them have to mentally put themselves back in time to that place and it brings back those feelings that they are trying to put away and forget about. They don't want to "remember" the A and all the details. IMHO, most people had rather try to just start over and put it behind them. Although I believe that Michelle says that if the LBS asked questions to try to answer them to help them have closure. I suppose it depends on the couple and their stitch. I only tell you this b/c I have a feeling that you will need to tuck it away for future references.

Anyway, back to you......like I said, it kind of scared me when I saw the panic mode you were in. I almost called you "honey"....lol, I have got to stop calling people honey and sweetie, besides Puppy doesn't like it....(just a joke there Puppy). Believe it or not, I agreed with what Puppy told you in his post.....one of them, I can't remember if it was the second or which one, but I do think you should protect yourself financially b/c is sounds like she may do something drastic at any time. On the other hand.....who knows, it may be all talk.

You see, you cannot believe her. This is not your wife. She is a stranger that you do not know or understand. You will never figure her out and you can't fix her or the R. That are the cold hard facts and that is why I told you that you have got to stop this asking "where and what happen to my wife.....why is she doing this?" She is gone! How long it may take her to wake up and come out of the fog....it depends. It sounds like she has made up her mind, but then we have heard that before from others here on the board. There have been stories where they were like four days away from the divorce and than reconcile. Sometimes it takes getting the divorce to wake them up to what they have done and what it is they really want.....which is their H and family.

Don't give her the house. Whatever you do, don't leave the house. Try your best to not throw her out on her behind. If she does leave......don't give her once red cent to support her! I mean it. If my H had given me money to live on my own.....I would have been out of here! But, he wasn't going to and he told me he would never give me a divorce. But there again, my stitch was a little different from yours. However, I do not believe in supporting the WAW. Don't do anything to help her. I known H's that actually helped their WAW move their stuff.....b/c they were trying to be her "friend". Well, people look at things differently, don't we?

The next time (if there is a next time) that you get in this bad a shape......go get a motel room and spend the night just to get away and be alone. You can tell your kids that you are going to be gone and give them a number to call or your cell phone, but you don't have to give out information to your wife about what you are doing. I also would recommend that since you are having such a hard time right now that you do not accept any invitations to "couples" bar-b-Que" or anything, b/c it is too much of a strain, and you feel like a hypocrite playing this game with her in front of your friends. They probable already suspect something is going on. People have their ways, you known.

I do plead with you not to snoop any more. I can only imagine the temptation to do that, but think of the hurt it has caused you. You will end up having a heart attack or something if you keep this up. You can fix her CBK. I'm so sorry, but you just can't make her be your wife again. That is what my H said to me....the only thing he said that really touched my heart when we were talking our talk. He said, "I just want my wife back again". At that time, I did not know if I could do it or not and I told him that I was just then at the point of being willing..."to be willing". I hope that makes sense.

One of the hardest things for us humans to do seems to be to just turn it all over to God. I know....you hear that all the time. But, like I said.....you can't fix her, but if she is a Believer, God can fix her. Of course, she has to want to be fixed. She has got to want to live in His obedience. But He also can intervene in a person's life to cause them to see and hear enough that will get them to really thinking about what they are doing wrong. I have learned that He is quite the gentleman and as long as we insist on handling our own problems....He will politely stand aside and allow us to do that. Of course, we always make a mess of it when we do! Then when we hit rock bottom, we turn to Him and ask for Him to do it for us. I think you pretty much hit rock bottom last night. I hope you will rest in Him to do the work on your W and don't pick it all back up and try to carry the burden of what she is doing around on your back. Give it to God. Live your own life and get your focus off of that stranger in your house and go on about your business. Like you have already stated....stop being the victim in your own home. In you own life, as far as that goes.

Maybe you have posted this in the past, and please forgive me for not remembering....I read so many threads that I forget, but have you just really told her the pain that you are in or has she only seen the ugly side of you? I was just curious to know. So many men come here and tell us things that makes me wonder if they have actually told their W's that or if they just think she should already know that.

If it comes to a divorce, if I were you, I would write all my feelings out on paper to give to her. You have held back a lot and have come here to vent....and that is good, but I personally think that if would give you a sense of closure to be able to do that. In fact, I think that Michelle suggests the same thing as a LRT by telling the wife how you feel and that you want the M to work but if she is so persistent in leaving, you wont' stop her and that you plan to move on with your life. And, then do that.....go get a life and stop thinking about the woman you use to have. I hope and pray some day you will have the opportunity to start seeing glimpses of that girl you married 23 years ago, but it will take time. I am not one to mark a time set on the calendar for these matters......they don't work on time clocks. I do know what you meant though by what you said by giving her a year to see if she was going to get out of the A, etc.

I feel like I have just repeated myself of things I've said before. I wanted you to know that my heart hurts for you, sweetie, and I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you not to give up....even in the darkest of dark nights.....please don't give up on yourself above all. I know you have kids and family that love you and need you in their lives and you must think about them. You will. And it will get better.....it is just too hard to see that at this point.

Try to rest and eat right. That is important. I am concerned that you are going to get sick. You have lost too much weight too quickly!

Well, I'm sounding like your mama (lol), but maybe that's okay too. I kind of get attached to some of you.

If you will just stay away from the snooping, I think you will get a grip again and can go from there.....but if you snoop....it will be to do all over again. When tempted, remember what it did to you this last time.

Hope you get some sleep. It is after midnight and I have got to get into bed. I want you to be okay. We all do b/c we care about you.

Keep talking to us, okay?

Catch you later,
Sandi