Journal, After fire email to W - she asked keys of house back: "if this is the way we are going to be, you cannot come in as you please". It was painful - I just gave her one more reason to want me at a distance - no good. I went home anyway to say good night to the kids - she was surprisingly nice and offered some dinner, she asked me to watch TV with her, she didn't feel like stay alone - I did it, so we could get over the fight, we watched some comedy and laughed a bit. I left after she fell asleep on the couch... I should have left earlier. The fire email was too dramatic and extreme but I still want to stay dark, although on good terms and not because I am upset, but more because I am busy. Yesterday she called three times - I answered only the third call - she asked me if I wanted to go and say goodnight to the kids, I declined. Still very hard for me to be able to control my emotions. __________________ hic sunt leones __________________
I decided the tattoo is going to be a lion's head.... maybe
Rop, I had taken WW to a tattoo expo a several weeks ago. We both got our first tattoos a couple of years ago. Her first on a trip to Austin. A small butterfly/heart combo. Simple design in the middle of her upper back. I love it. Mine was a little later. My own design of a starburst around a yin and yang. I told her that it meant that even though we around very different, we come together to make one, and that there is also a little bit of each of us in each other.
Anyway, we are not tattoo freaks, but do want another. I found a great tribal lion that I am planning on getting. You can probably google it and find the same one and see how you like it. Simple, but detailed at the same time. I am the lion. Head of my family. She will hear me when I roar.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Went home to say good night to the kids and read them a story. While I was there OM called at the phone - she picked up and went giggling in the bedroom...... AAAAAHHHHH I never felt so enraged. I fought with all my might not to make any comment - After I put the kids to bad I just said hello and left. AAAAAHHHH... I am going to strangle the pillow.
Today I blew it - The reason is that I feel so lonely, I miss my family, being all together, that was my life and I miss it is so much. I so W in the evening - she has been unreachable the all day - she said she helped OM with his car(?) - I couldn't resist I asked if there was anything in the world I could do that would make change her mind about D - she said NO, she is sure 100%, doesn't matter what I do or change. I felt so much like crying.... I didn't but for sure I wasn't my best self. It was so clear she doesn't love me anymore.
ROP - I feel bad for you and your pain. So real. I had an epiphany last night and needed to have a different outlook.
Bottom line, you are a good man, you are the one that is willing to get into the ring, get hit down a few times, get up and keep fighting the good fight. This is paraphrased from Teddy Roosevelt.
Think about your kids - unconditional love - and worthless, I don't think so - you are so needed. Tonight I gave myself a year - give or take... I am no expert on when to give up, but if you are like me, we need to hold on to the smallest thread of hope.
Please take care.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
rop, I am in a bad place as well. Terrible day. I keep thinking to myself, they are just words. Just bile coming out of her. I caught them having lunch together today. Wow. Those words hurt like hell, though. I am really down but not out.
Neither are you.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
More this D of mine is developing and more I am getting upset. It is unfair, and I can't see anymore the purpose to try to save something so rotten. It is true I have been in love with W until now - but not with THIS W, not with the liar sneaky selfish and plain cruel W. While I have many things I need to improve about myself, and other things I need to totally change, I can't see myself as having been an ass or a bad husband or bad father, nothing I can honestly say, "I deserve it". No... I don't. My W wants somebody or something else? I think what she wants is the excitement of the "new" thing, I may be wrong, maybe she really found the "perfect guy" - hey... I am sorry it wasn't me, and I am sorry she has been telling me I was until few months ago and I ended up believing it, but if there is something I know about my W is that she always fished around for attention...she was a time bomb, and a part of me knew it, but choose not to look and go along with it, more for the fear to loose her, it was stupid, I lost her anyway, and with her my family..... Still venting, still with wild mood swings, still thinking what is happening is crazy. Still looking for a calm place inside me where I can relax and lick my wounds.
Wish I was in San Jose today - but won't for a week. We will get that beer - if nothing else, we will lament together...
The only thing I want to disagree with, if I can be so bold, is that YOU are NOT losing your family. You may be losing W as a piece (and still don't give up), but your S6 and D4 are the most precious things and need their daddy, and always will. You will never be replaced. As I have said, my "babies (D20, S19) have been my saviours.
Take care and I will check back with you.
Peace,
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
CBK - Anytime is good for the beer. Yes, I am not losing my kids, this is what also my parents and W keep telling me.... unfortunately I am the child of a divorced family, and my experience wasn't that positive, I am afraid of the story repeating itself. I'll be there for the kids, and they'll survive but I don't believe in the "large family" or "they are going to have 2 families". Both my parents, remarried, and rebuild their lives and 2 new families. I don't feel I have 2 families though, or a large family, instead I ended up thinking I had none - those "new" families weren't MY family. If one of the parents didn't remarried I would have thought that THAT was my family. But it is very unfair to ask for celibacy. Specially my father now that he is sick is much better off then if he was alone.... he had the "wisdom" to merry a pretty nurse 20 years younger then him - Not being a rich guy I guess he HAS some qualities she saw in him.... Anyway, just some thoughts - .... the point is.... I need a beer.
