What should I do to prepare myself for if he does want to see me and talk about our R?
Tipper, I think you should make sure that you are very busy for the next couple of weeks so that you are not available for any relationship talks..
He has been cycling back and forth for a while now, that must be destroying you.
He doesn't seem to know what he wants.
What do you want?
If you want more from your relationship than you have had in the past then you need to make the changes you want for you. No more going running when he calls.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Nutty, Yeah I agree that it would just be easier to not see my H right now since I do know and sense that he is cycling recently. I know not to get my hopes up, and I honestly feel like he has a long way to go yet untill he wakes up - if ever.
However, I allready havent seen him for over two months and it would be nice to catch up with him. We both have been very distant with each other since he last left and I have found out that he is doing a little bit of everything right now. He has seen me go out and GAL and so now instead of sitting at the bar every night, he is now in a band and has joined the Kiwana's club and has volunteered to be the project manager of a large golf tournament and is remodeling his new house he is going to rent out next month.
I have a feeling that he will back out as usual. TIPPER
Nutty, Yeah I agree that it would just be easier to not see my H right now
I disagree Tipper. The HARD thing for you to do would be to not see him.
It is obvious that you miss him dreadfully.
Originally Posted By: Tipper
However, I allready havent seen him for over two months and it would be nice to catch up with him. We both have been very distant with each other since he last left and I have found out that he is doing a little bit of everything right now. He has seen me go out and GAL and so now instead of sitting at the bar every night, he is now in a band and has joined the Kiwana's club and has volunteered to be the project manager of a large golf tournament and is remodeling his new house he is going to rent out next month.
I have a feeling that he will back out as usual. TIPPER
You must do what you feel best.
My thoughts are: If he is starting to miss you, I would just encourage him to linger in that feeling for a little longer.
Let him know that you are not there at his beck and call.
I will probably get shot down in flames for being sexist but men like the thrill of the chase. They like to work hard for what they get. He will value you more if he has to work hard to get a chance to ‘catch up’ with you.
It just strikes me as odd that after 2 months no contact he texts to say he would like to ‘turn back the clock’ and would like to ‘meet up’. I suppose what I am feeling is that his words and actions do not match up. If he was missing you and wanted to see you, why wouldn’t he call round to take the dog out while you were in?
.
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
O.k. in response to that quote about always doing what you've done and getting what you've always got: I guess I am confused. I know the quote is true, but I cant figure out what I am doing that is wrong. I have DB'ed by the rules and it brings him back. I just feel like my H is still in Replay and no matter what I change or do will not matter. That is why I decided to not send that letter I wrote last week to him. However, the letter itself would be a complete 180 and something I have not tried. But everyone told me not to send it.
I feel like this cycling my H is doing was just a temp. check cause he is scared I am moving on with out him. He has not called or text or left a note today, and I have a feeling that he wont again for a very long time.
I am afraid I pissed him off last night in our texts. I basically would not say more than one word answers to him when he was trying to drag a response out of me to indicate whether or not I have moved on. I wouldnt budge and he stopped texting. He also has not made a move towards me after last night when he seemed so eager again to see me. I am so confused.
I am trying to prepare myself for a face to face with him, as I know it will come sometime soon. I am torn as to keep DBing(being kind and acting as if and not saying a whole lot) or to stand up to him more and show more intolerance towards his actions and behaviors.
Any advise would be great, I appreciate your insights, I just need more clarification and something that is concrete to go on. Thanks, TIPPER
There is a clear pattern that you, yourself have recognised and written about.
The question is…
Do you want to stop it, or are you enjoying it?
You must be getting something out of it to keep going through it.
The drama of the break-up; the buzz as you draw him back in; the euphoria when you get him back.
What is it?
What is it that keeps you in the cycle?
Nutty
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Nutty, I am not enjoying it, it has been the worst year of my life. I never knew I could ever feel this unhappy before and I have been through some other truamas in my past - but nothing has ever compared to the way I feel now.
I am a wimp at heart and very non-confrontational with most anything and anyone. My H and I never even really ever fought, we were the best of friends (and he has even made that same comment).
I am also a very tolerable person, I guess from earlier traumas in my childhood, I became a push over as I grew up. I would let my H verbally abuse me and do things I did not like all with the fear of him leaving me.
Again, I think that is what is happening here: I am simply afraid to turn on him and put my foot down because he always goes running when I do. I have only done that about 5-6 times (mostly in the past two months) but it always ends with his response of running and saying I simply cant accept him.
I AM SO AFRAID THAT IF I TELL HIM TO STOP COMING OVER TO SEE THE DOG (and give back the key)OR IF I SAY WHAT I HAD SAID IN THE LETTER TO HIM, THAT IT WOULD AGAIN RESULT IN HIM RUNNING. IF HE RUNS NOW I AM AFRAID IT WILL RESULT IN HIM FILING FOR A DIVORCE AT THE END OF JUNE.
I know I have to be strong around him and that I need to stand up for what I can and cant tolerate and I am at the verge of doing it. But my fears hold me back. And the things I have read here often hold me back because it goes against DBing (being loving and kind and friendly and acting as if, no letters or attempts to change their mind, ect...).
So I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. TIPPER
Update: H text me tonight around 8:00, and said: "I am confused and I have a lot of doubts, I need time to think. Have you figured anything out"?
I responded at 10:00: "Take your time and think about things and when you want to come and talk to me - get ahold of me".
H text back: "ok, thanks".
This was him trying to manipulate me into telling him how I feel in a text message rather than facing me. Again!!!
I am glad I didnt fall for it, and now its up to him to make a decision. I'm sure it will take a while - he is so confused.
I am gonna try and prepare myself for when I have to face him, and now I feel like I am starting to figure out what to do. I need to make him feel more and more like he is gonna lose me. I need to get rid of my fear of loosing him forever. I need to focus more on what I want and what is important in a relationship to me and voice those things in kind ways.
I have to find a way to accomplish these things - it will be very hard for me and rather scarey. The only tool I have is to pray. TIPPER
Personally, I do not agree with Dobson or with sending such a letter at all.
In MLC, it is a different ballgame.
If they must leave, let them go, and if they come back, great, but be prepared that they might leave again.
My approach has been different as I have used the Bible as my guide.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I am also a very tolerable person, I guess from earlier traumas in my childhood, I became a push over as I grew up. I would let my H verbally abuse me and do things I did not like all with the fear of him leaving me.
Tipper we are all vulnerable to repeating patterns that we learned in childhood. We get use to being treated a certain way and learn a way of responding to cope.
If we come across someone that triggers something from our past, it often feels comfortable because it is ‘familiar’. I may be a bad feeling and we can get hooked into trying to fix the here and now in order to heal the past.
As a child you had no control over how you were treated, now you do.
You let him verbally abuse you and do bad things to you to stop him leaving.
HE STILL LEFT.
It was your biggest fear that he would leave you.
Your biggest fear was realised … AND YOU COPED!
You remind me of myself. I was Afraid to speak up for what I wanted for fear of losing my H. All of the time that I allowed him to treat me like a doormat, the resentment festered under my skin.
I have read some of your posts Tipper, you are one smart cookie. You have the DBing down to a fine art. This isn’t about your R this is about you.
(((hugs)))
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
