I know the pretence is exhausting. I didn't pretend everything was so much "ok" as I was nice and civil. Did I do it well? Not always. The stress is tough. I took up weight lifting.
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I think if I was hurting him as much as he is hurting me, I would give the M a real chance. I cannot imagine ever telling him I don't love him--what a cruel, cruel thing to say to someone!
I thought this was an interesting perspective. I can see in myself the desire to run away. While it is cruel to tell a spouse you don't love them, I wonder if part of that isn't out of self preservation so they can push us away and get the space they need. When they sill that space with someone else, well that's just adding fuel to the fire IMO. I don't know the answers. I'm still looking for my own and it saddens me to know I may never get them.
As much as you can don't "telegraph" your phobia about talking about S. Every move you make will send that message if it's what you're thinking. I know it's hard not to think about. If he brings it up and you don't want to talk about it (this precludes his making a statement, that you can just acknowledge), just tell him you'd rather talk later. It may give you a breather to at least prepare a little. Do you know your bottom line with regards to S? If not, it might be helpful to have a list of what you expect to happen. It can be negotiated from there. Have you ever spoken to a DB coach? I know cost can be a factor, but I've really found it invaluable. I don't call often (cost), but I write down things I want to go over in between calls and then as I figure things out for myself I cross them off the list and revise it before I call. That's just one of the things that's helped me.
