Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[FaithfulH]

there will be a hole in my heart that only she can fill

CBK,
WRONG! I made the same mistake...that hole in your heart has the shape of GOD. In other words, only GOD can fill it. It is unfair to expect your W to fill it. Your number 1 relationship was always supposed to be with God....your W secondary...then your kids. I had this all screwed up and it was a major reason our marriage went stale. My W (nor yours or anybody else's) could ever fill that bill.