1. To get my health back. 2. To gain weight. 3. To feel safe and secure. 4. To have my H feel comfortable, at ease, and happier here with me. 5. To save my M.
What can I do to accomplish these things.
1. Be more positive, think more positively, act more positively. a. Smile more. b. Lovingly detach. c. Give H space. d. Give this situation time. e. Be patient. f. Do not pursue. g. Show more sexual interest even if it means initiating it. h. Validate H’s feelings and needs. i. Make the most of our time together. j. Keep educating myself. k. Be careful about doing things that will only end up causing me more pain.
2. Visualize 3. Reinforce those things that H does that are positives. 4. Minimize those things that H does that aren’t positives. 5. Show more confidence in myself and in us. 6. Practice staying in the here and now. 7. Practice keeping negative thoughts at bay. (Clearing cobwebs) 8. Reach out to others for help and to give help. 9. Allow H to come to me on his own, in his own way, in his own time. 10. Forgive myself when I fail to live up to this list and know that setbacks are part of the process.
Just finished reading your threads and I have a little to contribute.
Throughout the entire ordeal, you were going through cyclical patterns of up and down, DB'ing and not DB'ing. I think this was mainly caused by the fact that you not only bought a ticket for his rollercoaster ride but you sat right next to him throughout the whole thing.
I think that it's probably only a good thing that your H moved out. He obviously has troubles which he needs to work out on his own and I think that he needs the time to do that. It is quiet reasonable that it is difficult for hi to do this around you because not only are you surrounded by emotional "baggage", you're also going up and down emotionally as well and it's an environment that doesn't lend itself to clear thinking and decision making. I know the timing is horrible but the longer this goes on, the worse it will get.
As for you, you need to get focus on getting off of this emotional rollercoaster ride that you're on. You need to control yourself, your emotions and your actions. You do a good job of DB'ing when you put your mind to it, you just need to put your mind to it more consistantly. You need to detach and really, seriously start focusing on yourself. You do not need to leave the house to do this although it usually helps. Focus on your own life, focus on your own health and your own activities. You cannot control him, you need to rely on yourself for everything first before you go trying to get support from other people.
I saw something about you seeing a C, how has that been going?
I think that if you want this to work, you need to focus on your H's feelings - how does he feel, how do your actions make him feel, how do your words make him feel and work on changing those things that make him feel bad. Might want to check out the KLA tape series, I think that would be good for you.
One thing jumped out at me that he said: "He said he had already forgiven me and said that he hoped that someday I could forgive him.". Have you forgiven him? Have you told him this?
The issue of the "rollercoaster" stands out for me. It indeed does create a confusing environment for all. Outside of the occassional meltdowns that I had, the rollercoaster has been mostly internal and although I did a pretty good job of acting "as if" for the most part, I think that my feelings found ways of seeping out around the edges in general. Dropping 25lbs in a short amount of time also set off sirens and was a visible reminder to him of the toll his actions were taking on me, on a daily basis. Try as I have, I can't seem to put any weight back on. I wish I could because not only would I feel better but so would my H.
I did get Michelle's video tapes "the marriage breakthrough" this week. Would you recommend the KLA tapes over the videos?
As for my C, that has been good for me I think. It gives me at least one live human being to talk things through with once a week.
In regard to forgiving my H, I did tell him well before his statement ("he had already forgiven me and said that he hoped that someday I could forgive him.") that I forgave him for what had happened and that I was willing to move on. He knew that at the time that he made that statement. I believe that he was referring to the deceptions and betrayal that followed after that point in time and for promising to never lie to me again and then breaking that promise over and over again. That, I have not verbalized my forgiveness for, as of yet.
Jeannine,
I'm very sorry for not being very neighborly and dropping by your thread sooner. I did glance over the latter half of it and it did make me smile to see your goals listed today. Its good step towards regrouping to overcome this struggle then let it overwelm you. To that end, I really do believe you need to focus all your energies right now on your health and not think about M right now so your not fight a battle on two fronts at the same time ... as hard as it is. Allow your H to have space ... even when he is with you ... loving detach. Preoccupy your mind with ways to focus on ways lower your stress.
What I've re-discovered recently to lower stress, is to not think so much about what has happen or what's about to happen, but live in the moment. Look for what's good about today and engulf yourself in it ... marvel in it ... concentrate on it in order to tune the other stuff out.
Quoting Jeannine: I did get Michelle's video tapes "the marriage breakthrough" this week. Would you recommend the KLA tapes over the videos?
I haven't seen the videos (unless that clip that Michele showed at the KLA seminar was from them?) so I can't really compare and contrast the two. Try out the videos and if you want more, get the tapes?
Keep thinking about how to get off of both rollercoasters.
I'm delighted that you stopped by. No need to apologize for not being neighborly. I have yet to post on your thread and I understand that there are only so many hours in a day.
I have read through some of your thread, however, I will need to catch up with your situation and will do so as soon as I am able.
Staying in the "now" is truly powerful and I am far from mastering the practice, but it is on my list of things to work on. I do tend to dwell on what terrible things may be awaiting me out there in the future. Infact, I was just arm wrestling with those thoughts a moment ago before checking the board.
I especially liked what you said in your post about looking for what's good about today and engulfing yourself in it...marveling in it...concentrating on it in order to tune the other stuff out.
It's interesting that you see me riding along side my H on his rollercoaster. I had not quite looked at it in that way, but I think there may be some truth to that, so I will work on being more aware.
I did glance over the latter half of it and it did make me smile to see your goals listed today. Its good step towards regrouping to overcome this struggle then let it overwelm you. To that end, I really do believe you need to focus all your energies right now on your health and not think about M right now so your not fight a battle on two fronts at the same time ... as hard as it is. Allow your H to have space ... even when he is with you ... loving detach. Preoccupy your mind with ways to focus on ways lower your stress.
