Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Thanks AmyC, I needed that b/c I kind of took a beating on another thread tonight. Maybe I needed it and maybe I just don't always communicate the way I should. Anyway, you always seem to show up when I need ya. Thanks sweetie.

P.S. I will look in on the one you told me about.

[CBK]

Sandi2 -

I wanted to say THANK YOU for your posting yesterday. I am so sorry you got beat up by the posters. Your input to me was very valuable. I thought I had actually turned a corner last night, then did a stupid thing and snooped. I backslid so far into the abyss... Please stay with me!

Thanks,

CBK

[CBK]

Sandi -

I have a question for for you - well kind of a question...

I had access to my W's journal - I know - I shouldn't have snooped - what's done is done. In many ways, this will make it easier for me to detach.

She basically said that she is letting her OM work out his marriage, but they are soul mates and she will always be here for him. I know she is slowly breaking it off with him. The troubling part is that she goes on to say that she has no desire to work on us, never will. That we did a good job raising two kids, but we fell apart too long ago. She can said she can honestly look into my eyes and see no love for me. It makes her ill just to think about working on the M with me, it just isn't there and hasn't been for a long time. This is why we should never snoop, but in a way, it will make it easier for me to detach. I need to let her go and work on me. I know there isn't a perfect forumula, and I love this woman with all my heart and soul - and I don't want to give up too easily... She also went to a L, so I have scheduled some time just to see how I should protect myself - it is the free 30 mintute gig. I don't see anything wrong with this.

I loved reading your posts, I have learned a lot from them and, believe it or not, am still holding on to a little hope, not much, but I am being realistic. I have no idea what I am asking, or just telling you. I know I will be okay and I am going to detach slowly. I am still going to MC on Thursday, but wonder if I should just say since we are in different places, I need to work on me with my guy and she needs to work on her with hers and when we are ready to work on our relationship, whether it be friends or lovers, we will come back.

As you can tell, I am confused, heartbroken and my heart is back on my sleeve until W gets home from dinner with a GF.

Advice?

You have such a great voice and perspective. I am trying to follow what you tell me - and I know I am no different than many people on this board.

Thanks,

CBK

[JoieDeVivre]

Sandi,
I'm fairly new to piecing, but have read many of your posts. You sure did take a beating over in Newcomers. I give you a standing ovation for standing up for what you believe in. I agree with CBK, you have a great voice and perspective.

Joie

[sandi2]

WOW!! Thanks guys....that was very sweet of you. I did make a boo-boo in one of the post as I tried to explain later. Trying to put myself back in the "time" and how I felt etc. pulls up some bad feelings. That is what I need to be careful about and work on myself. I certainly have not "arrived" yet. As long as we live here on this earth, there will always be room for improvement. There was only One perfect person and He had more compassion than anyone.

It helps more than you know for the encouragement that you gave me. You may have noticed the post from AmyC on my thread right before yours.....well, she is one of my BF (best friends) here on the board b/c she is one of the main people that told me like it was and without her help.....well, I don't want to think of where I would be today. I am no expert by any means, but in my own weak way I just want to try to help others the way I was helped. It does upset me if I think I've been misunderstood or perhaps gave the wrong advice. So, again, thanks so much for your kind words.

CBK, I had just posted over in your thread before coming to check my own. I think I talked about what you brought up just now....lol. We must be on the same wave link. As far as reading the journal and your W saying that the OM and her will always be "soul mates" etc., that is still just part of the "talk" that means nothing. She feels that way b/c he helped her feel emotionally better about herself during a time that she felt drained and empty. I felt all the things she said in her journal. To be completely honest, I still have a hard time on certain days to come up with the energy to "work" on my M, but I think my circumstances at this particular time is somewhat different than those of younger couples. Hope that doesn't sound like an excuse, but don't want to get into a long drawn out explanation. What I'm trying to say is basically the same old...same old....patient and time. It has taken me a year to really get to where I am now. My H and I have not had a fight or harsh words or anything of that nature in the past year.....since he confronted me about OM and my decision to stay in the M. But, it took ME a long, long time to "come around" to trying to be the W to him that I needed to be. I had to work through a "process" by myself and with God's help. I hope that all makes sense. I am still struggling b/c I get frustrated at my H. He is very different from me and he isn't one that "makes things happen" so to speak and has always sat back and waited on me to do the work. There were many, many years of resentment built up inside of me and I allowed very high walls to build up around my heart for protection. Anyway, if you have read my story, you know the stitch. You guys have been helpful to me, too, I want you to know that.

I won't give up on you! Don't worry about that.

JoieDeVivre, I will look you up in Newcomers and read your stitch. Glad to have you visit my thread. It got so slow that I almost forgot to check it out...lol. Newcomers is the busiest thread IMO and a good place to build a support system. It also helps to go to other forums and read threads that you think may be helpful to you.

So, I can't seem to write short post.....lol.

Talk to you later.

Sandi

[sandi2]

AmyC, I went and posted a couple or three times to "me99" and have not received a reply. I did see where she was going to read other threads and post a few times, so I'm hoping she hasn't left us. Maybe she will check on her thread and talk to me. I hope so. I really feel for her. She needs somebody.

[Yoyowife]

Sandi,
I've been reading your replies to Whatdidido's thread. I posed some questions to her. You probably have answered these questions before and I will find time to go back and read your thread, but if you could answer these questions you would be helping many people out. These quetions are taken from the infidelity thread so if it might be helpful if you answered the questions on both forums. Thanks so much for your eyeopening input!

I have a question for you. Before you decided to try to work things out with your H what were your feelings on any attempt of reconciliation with your H? So many different authors have different ideas. I'm going to list some of them let us all know your feelings on them.

These are from the LBS point of view:

1. They try to tell you how much they love you and you are destroying the marriage. In essence they are trying to lay a guilt trip on you.

2. The GAL method. THey are trying to be a better person not only for the WAS, but also themselves. The LBS is friendly and nice without making any demands on you. They wait for the addiction to subside. Patience is the key.

3. The tough love method. The LBS tells you that you must choose between them or the OP or they will leave.

Could you tell everyone what made you decide to go back to your H? Your point of view is important to everyone.

[sandi2]

Well, first may I say thanks for you asking for my thoughts on this. It is kind of hard since everyone has different personalities and their circumstances may vary. For me, the guilt trip was definitely the wrong way to go b/c it only made me mad and I rebelled worse. If he had told me to choose between him or OM....that is hard to say b/c it would have depended on "how" he approached me about it. I love and respect Dr. James Dobson who wrote a book on Tough Love and I believe we have to use that in many R's...not just M. My stitch was different in some ways b/c it mostly was my financial problems that held me back from completely moving out of the home. He did use tough love in some ways that worked.....for one he told me that if I ever left, there would be no coming back. I knew he meant it. I also knew I could not live here in this town if I left b/c we were known for our position in the church and community and the embarrassment would be too much for me to face. I knew I would have spent most of my time facing people asking me questions or else just starting or acting repulsed. The worse thing was to think I had disappointed so many people that looked up to me and respected me. I knew that leaving my H would destroy what took years for me to build......especially with my own grown children. My mother was so stunned and hurt and disappointed to find out that I had an EA with OM. She told me she would have expected any other person in our family before me. But then she told me that if I ever needed a place to stay that her home was open to me. She said I would always be her child and she would love me no matter what. It still makes me tear up when I remember that night.

My H did not have to remind me of what all I would be doing if I left the M. I probably was worse on myself than anybody else could have been. A big issue also was the fact that I was not in my 20's and 30's any longer, so it wasn't like I could just start over at any time at any place. By the time you start reaching 60, you have to realize that you better start getting serious about retirement years. And, even though the OM had said he would drop everything and fly here to get me and take me back home with him and he would take care of me.......he never mentioned M. He told me he loved me, but he never brought up the word marriage! And, I knew in the very pit of my soul that I really was not in love with the OM. I think I tried to be and wanted to be......but I wanted him to be the way I fantasized about him. He could have been repulsive in real life. We could see each other over the web cam, but it still is not like being together in real life. You can look your best and be on your best behavior over a web cam. It was the fantasy that was feeding my behavior. The OM was feeding my ego and I loved it and didn't want to give it up. So, I believe I did need some tough love used to a point b/c if I had been left alone to let it run it course......I'm not so sure this would not have turned into a very serious sexual addiction for me. If you read the beginning of my stitch, you understand what I mean.

The sad thing was, my H was so hurt, but all I saw was his really bad side....which was anger. He hid his hurt from me and showed his anger and threaten to throw the computer out the back door. He threw the web cam away, etc. That made me feel like a child and that didn't work very well.

Let me back up to the point before my H confronted me about him knowing about my behavior over the Internet. He started smothering me and telling me he loved me just to get me to say it back to him (women know what that is what their H's are doing) and it would make me mad. I felt as though he was suffocating me. I couldn't stand it b/c here he had went for years practically ignoring any needs I had....and had never given me what I yearned for emotionally, and now he was doing a complete opposite.....but it was bad timing. It only made me want to escape from him. I hated my life right then. I wanted to escape. I wanted freedom enough that I almost gave up my home, family, job, church, and M just to get away. That is why I saw the OM as my Knight in Shinning Armour! He was going to rescue me. Most of my H's "tough love" methods did not work very well, except that one he told me about no second chances if I left. But, it was b/c he tried to "catch me" at doing my little thing over the Internet. He snooped and then told me.....to lay a guilt trip on me, etc. That just did not fly with me. If he had ever, ever "exposed" me.....as some H's believe in doing....I would have left this town and never returned unless there was an emergency in the family b/c I would have be so humiliated and it would have made me despise him for the rest of my life....and I told him so.

So, to try to narrow your question down to your list, I would have to say that number 2 is the best. I do think that there should be added to #2 that in some case, boundaries have to be drawn in order to show respect for the S and children in the home. Some women text their OM or take a cell phone call right in front of their H's. That is going too far in MHO!

Well, don't know that I have helped, but I believe in the DB book as still being the best. You can apply those principles without being a doormat and disrespected, but a lot of people don't understand that part. All they see is that the other S is having their cake and eating it too. That's not what DB is all about.

I will come visit your thread. Take care.

Sandi

[Yoyowife]

Sandi,
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my questions. It's so helpful to get a look on the "other" side. I'm glad things are going well for you!

Hugs, Yoyo

[Yoyowife]

Sandi,
It's me again. Some other things I got from your post is that you have a conscience, which is a wonderful quality. You realized that although you were unhappy, life isn't only about you. You worried about your children, family, and community. You did the thing that most of us LBS could only hope that our WAS would do. You realized that although there was something missing in your marriage that is was worth the fight to try to work things out with your spouse.

I think that many times I have been a doormat and allowed him to cake eat, but I also realize that he is still around and there must be "something" still there. Most recently I think I applied the DB/Tough Love approach. It's amazing how he draws me back and doesn't really follow through with all of his promises.

Things have been good for us the past few weeks, but I am scared we might have a setback since his best friend has decided he doesn't want to be married. I posted about it today. There are more details there.

Thanks for your help.

Hugs, Yoyo