For the guys with kids and a WAW

[CBK]

WDID - another great post. My WAW says it is too late and seems to hate anything I say. I wish you could talk to her! :-) I am sure a lot of posters do...

Please keep coming with the posts. If you feel like it, to to my thread as well - "still drowning after 23 years, feels like i am sinking"

CBK

[karen43]

rop, I think it all has to do with us GALing and having them see the changes in us are not temporary. We need to show them how exciting and interesting we really are. That life will indeed be different and better than before.

Yes!

In her post, she had mentioned the things that she was getting from OM that she was craving. The things he was telling her. But at the same time, she says to say these things to WW. I tried this, and it backfired. I became smothering. I don't think she wanted to hear these things from me. Maybe I over did it. Not sure.

This is good and so you know what your W wants. And she doesn't want you to smother her so she is really communicating with you which is great. I would try to work on the things she wants and just avoid the smothering!

What do you think, WDID? All sorts of things I would like to tell WW but don't. It looks like it comes off as pursuing.

I think you should save the talking and just work on actions and GAL to help you achieve your goals.

I need to do the things to GAL. I haven't done enough.

That sounds good!

I'm giving too much. Maybe too nice. I'll back off a bit.

[/quote]

That sounds good, too. I think sometimes our spouses see a lot of niceness as being a doormat or weak (at least that is my experience). Karen

[hopeful4her]

Ok, I am at a public library. Got off work a littl early.

I am usually long winded, so I will try to summarize as best I can. Bear with me.

Here goes.

Before meeting at different branch, I find WW and OM having lunch together at fast food restaraunt nephew works at. I order drink and he walks out door with his food. I follow outside and he gets in truck. I am staring. Never looks my way. WW comes out and gets bag from him. He leaves and only one quick glance to me. F'ing coward.
Outside, she tells "What, he cant bring me to pick my car?" He brought her to pick up car that nephew borrowed to get to work. He left so as not to cause a scene.
I tell her to tell him to work on his own marriage and leave my wife alone. She says his m is over and she is not my wife. I remind her we are still married. She doesn't want to be married, blah, blah. She tell me she has food inside and do I want to go inside. She reminds me to lock up my car and get my cell phone. WTF. Inside, she asks if I want some of her salad. WTF. I decline and tell her that I want to work on our marriage. She says we have no marriage. I tell her I want to work on our marriage and she says she doesn't want to.
In a nutshell:
She wants her freedom. She says she doesn't want a relationship, but she does want to be with him. I tell her she already has a relationship. He's not a good person to be breaking up a marriage and a family. She says he has offered to break it off, but she has said no. A few times. He knew she was married when the first met, and I tell her that is what makes him bad. He still pursued. I ask her what we can do to work at this. She says she doesn't want to. She says I wouldn't have a problem if OM was not involved. I say I sure would. I want to work on our R, and be best friends. I tell her she is still my best friend. She says that I stopped being her friend. I tell her I didn't. I just set my boundaries. If she is going to end the M like this, then no we wont be friends. I tell her that it is possible to work things out, but not while OM is around. I dont want to give him up. I tell her that things can change. She says they already have. We can get better. I accept my part in what got us here, I tell her. I tell her to stop taking the blame in front of the kids, that she is doing damage that is going to take a long time to heal. She tell me that she know that I am now superdad. Now I want to do everything for the kids and its about f'ing time. I tell her thats bs, that I have always been there for kids, she just didn't see.
She says she is at house for now for the kids, but that is going to change. Still going through with leaving come summertime. Not to live with OM or move in with her mother. She doesn't want to be married and wants her freedom to see who she wants. I tell her that I still feel like God put us together for a reason. She says maybe, but not right now. I tell her that I will wait as long as it takes and do whatever it takes to make it work. She says that I will just hurt. I tell her thats alright. Its what I choose. I already hurt, I tell her. Its that important to me.
Her fork breaks and I go and get her another one. I tell her " I don't want you to move out. I dont want you to leave the house. I dont want you to take the kids away." We sit for a while and we have to leave to go to our meetings. I left meeting a little early and came here.

I AM LOST. I want to throw her out. Take all her stuff and throw it outside. I want her to read my thread. I want to just give it all up. I want to be strong in the face of evil. I want to tell the world my testimony how we made it through it all. I want my wife more than anything else in the world.

[CBK]

H4H - I am glad we live in different states, otherwise...

I had a horrible patch last night - had to come to many realizations.

1) No matter how much we beg and plead, it drives them further away
2) My W doesn't want to work on our M either - so I need to detach and work on me.
3) You sound a lot like me - I want everybody to know we made it - type attitude. I am learning that the whole world doesn't need to know, this is something that she and I need to work out.
4) Like you, I love my W madly, but I also realize I haven't been listening to her - so the changes I am making for me, will help with us no matter where we end up.
5) Lean on friends and this board. I did last night big time. I sat in a parking lot and cried after what I found out. I have friends that I can call 24/7. If you don't have this, expand and find them. Only two people know of my sitc' because of the OM and my choice not to expose. If you choose, keep it to only those most trusted sources.
6) I know, that IF we don't make it, there will be a hole in my heart that only she can fill. I say IF, because I still have hope.
7) This will take a lot of time. Today I set a year as my target date. That is April of 2009. I am not putting my life on hold, I am going to grow. If we are not back together by then, and if she has not found another person not I, then I may give it another year. I will not stop living because of our sitc'.
8) I am lucky I got to spend 26 years with this person. I have no ill feelings toward her, I know she didn't set out to hurt me, life happened and I didn't pay attention.

I hope this helps in some way.

Peace,

CBK

[hopeful4her]

I can't believe that I saw them together. Man, what a thing to see. I know that I keep telling myself that it was still going on, but had no proof. Did not snoop.

But to see them together. OMG.

Now, that is a 2x4 in the f'ing face.

[CBK]

I have to admit, I don't know what I would have done H4H - knowing my temper, I would have been throwing punches. I have no idea what OM looks like, but I can hold my own. I am not a small guy myself!

Keep venting, keep talking. I will be on for awhile. I added the post I sent to you on my thread.

Peace,

CBK

[hopeful4her]

I'm here at a freaking library.
I just want to bust out and sob.
I should have wailed on that MFer. I cant believe I composed myself. I was just freaking out. I felt like I was not even there.

[CBK]

You showed what type of man she is losing. You could have beat the living snot out of him, but what does that get you? A night in jail? You were the better man! You looked at him, you made him acknowledge you were there, and you were the man with dignity. Keep that in your mind. You are the man with dignity.

Don't you hate the quiet rules in the library? :-) H4H - you did the right thing regarding walking away - trust me, he had more shame than you did.

Since you are in the library, what are you going to do for you? What can you do tonight to make yourself feel better, other than find the guy and beat him up? You have a wonderful set of kids that depend upon you. Be strong for them as well.

As one of my posters said, we are the ones standing up for what is right, in a sense, we are the hero's in all of this, not the victim. Unfortunately, we both have been acting like the victims.

Peace,

CBK

[hopeful4her]

I will go home.

I will cry on the way.

I will pray to God to help me through.

I will do as I have been doing with her.

I feel like I have no dignity to allow this to happen to me.

[hopeful4her]

Going home. I will try to update later.

Thank you, CBK. I wish I could shake your hand.
Blessings to you.