Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

I have been doing a lot of soul searching today, and many realizations coming to mind. I posted a note to H4H about his sitc'. Almost idnetical to mine. Here is what I said and beleive:

1) No matter how much we beg and plead, it drives them further away
2) My W doesn't want to work on our M either - so I need to detach and work on me.
3) You sound a lot like me - "I want everybody to know we made it" - type attitude. I am learning that the whole world doesn't need to know, this is something that she and I need to work out.
4) Like you, I love my W madly, but I also realize I haven't been listening to her - so the changes I am making for me, will help with us no matter where we end up.
5) Lean on friends and this board. I did last night big time. I sat in a parking lot and cried after what I found out. I have friends that I can call 24/7. If you don't have this, expand and find them. Only two people know of my sitc' because of the OM and my choice not to expose. If you choose, keep it to only those most trusted sources.
6) I know, that IF we don't make it, there will be a hole in my heart that only she can fill. I say IF, because I still have hope.
7) This will take a lot of time. Today I set a year as my target date. That is April of 2009. I am not putting my life on hold, I am going to grow. If we are not back together by then, and if she has not found another person nor I, then I may give it another year. I will not stop living because of our sitc'.
8) I am lucky I got to spend 26 years with this person. I have no ill feelings toward her, I know she didn't set out to hurt me, life happened and I didn't pay attention.

I have choices - and over the past 5 weeks, I have chosen to wallow in self-pitty, only pushing my W further and further away. Who knows if we will choose to be together again, I will always be hopeful.

I know I have said this over and over, and I am listening to the my friends on this board, but I am getting ready to change, and fight for me and us. So stay with me, hit me when I falter, tell me when I do a good job. Nobody except the good people on this board knows what I am going through. Many say walk away, that is too easy.

I have decided to always end my notes with the word "peace" only if I am in that state after writing and journaling.

Peace,

CBK