There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

looking forward to it, cat!

sara, I saw that on lwb's thread after. lmao. too funny!

hey saffie! so nice to see you. and good for you for living your life off the pc. now that the good weather is here, I plan to be out and about a lot more than I have been. still nice to touch base and see you, though. miss you!

ATGO, I think those non-goals are great, personally. I need some to get my career path settled, and to get my social life swinging again. but you are already cruising on both of those, so I think you are doing just great, personally.

and god bless you for the day over 25 comment. there are worse things than 41, but can someone tell me when I started looking my age? because as sweet as you are, I know the bitter truth. lol.

well, I survived dinner at my parents house. we did my birthday dinner today instead of tomorrow since S6 has tball tomorrow night. it was good. I had to have the talk with them about my D4's dance recital...about how they need to get along/be polite to h while there. this is a joyous time in my life, g-dammit, and I am not going to worry about people getting along. they are not make-a-scene kind of people, but the kids will be around and they need to fake it a bit with him if at all possible. if not possible, well, stay home. I don't want to deal with it.

in fact, I have decided to volunteer to be one of the back-stage moms so I won't be in the audience at all. wooo-hoooo!

yep, very pleased with that decision.

I finally e-mailed h back about the D comment. I just needed to. I was thinking about it way too much. so I just wrote him that I didn't quite know what he meant by that. and he wrote me back that he didn't know himself, that he is very confused, and that he is having a really hard time taking the next steps or even saying the word. which is pretty much what i figured.

I do NOT think he is confused about what he wants. I think he is just confused about why it is so hard for him to make those next steps. and I think that is all about guilt. trust me, I don't think he wants me or is re-thinking things. not anymore. I really don't. that damn glimmer still lives, can't help it, but logic squashes it as much as possible.

had a GREAT session with my IC today. love those. I just see the pattern so much with us...he fights with ow or something isn't going quite as he planned so he freaks out about losing the option of me. its just hard to close that door completely. doesn't mean he really wants me, just scared of having nothing. and me, well, as much as I see it for what it is, that damn glimmer feeds off of it for a bit. I was telling my therapist it is like stopping a train. you know how a train doesn't stop quickly? it takes time and does it gradually. well, everytime H does something like this, I see thru it, but at the same time there is part of me that takes my hand off the lever and the train breaks, but I don't realize it till I am going very slowly or completely stopped (meaning my momentum). I see it clearly now, which is a good step. now to try to counteract those triggers so they don't slow my down too much.

make sense?

am tired. cried the whole way home from my parents house. just a bit of woe-is-me, nothing more. i'm still doing good overall, really I am. just one of those moments. letting that river flow. I feel better for the cry, actually.

hope everyone is doing well. I am tired. just really tired. its only 7:30 and I will be surprised if I make it till 9. off to read for a bit, then lights out.