Well I went to my Doctor's partner yesterday, and he too was very concerned about my weight and of course the bleeding. I generally discussed with him the amount of stress that I've been living under all this year and then he did his little exam and followed up with a handful of tests he wants me to get started with. Besides the usual blood tests, I will be getting a C.A.T. scan, xrays, upper endoscopy and a colonoscopy. The last two are scheduled for Aug. 8. I have to wait for the office to call me with my appt. date on the C.A.T. scan.
My H called me at 6pm as soon as he left work and asked what had transpired at the doctor's and I told him that I would talk to him about it later.
When he got home he sat down on a bench across from me on the bed and said "so...tell me what happened". I gave him the rundown and he asked me if I was nervous. I said that sometimes I'm nervous and sometimes I don't care at all. I said that at the moment my thinking is that if it comes to a long drawn battle to recovery, I just don't have the desire to go through with it. I reminded him that it was only a few months ago that I had expressed to him that I felt like I was dying, and that to date, the feeling has not changed and I am very tired of it.
I said all this to him in a calm and resolved manner. My H got up and came over to me and said "you'll be alright" in a comforting tone and kissed me several times.
The rest of the evening he was attentive, gentle and lighthearted. I noticed him trying to entertain me in little ways.
I have noticed that my H has been less sexual (not even visiting his usual P**nsites - not complaining about that!) Within the last week and a half we've engaged only three times. I asked him about that last night and he said that he has been tired and going through a temporary loll. He also said that because I haven't been feeling well, he hasn't been persuing it as much. He assured me that I'm the only one he desires. (Hey, I didn't even ask for that one.) I don't mean to make a big deal out of this, but it is afterall, the one solid and healthy bond that we have left.
Anyway, he was warmer and more attentive than the other night. I wonder if a significant portion of my H's unfavorable behavior is a byproduct of fatigue and his usual aches and pains.
Yea Shiney, I would say that my H is at the end of his rope all too often. My C says it sounds as though both of us are so drained most of the time, that we have nothing left to give each other for the most part.
I have been doing most of my own care all along because my H is gone to work most of the day and I try not to ask too much of him on weekends as he needs his down time too.
What I am trying to focus on right now is to be careful of my demeanor in his presence. Yesterday, I worked on keeping my voice in a lower, calmer range and made sure that I responded in a positive manner to ALL of my H's efforts to cheer me up or to soothe me.
All in all it was a better evening for both of us (I hope for him). I just wish my H had been a little more physical in bed. Never thought I'd be saying that, it's always been the other way around, even throughout all the tough times. H thinks I'm worrying too much about it, said it hasn't been that long (Saturday ).
I guess I'm concerned because sex has been the one part of our relationship that worked soooo well and seemed to be untouched by any and all outside forces.
Oh well, I'm probably making too much out that, I'll just have to believe him and see what comes up.
I'm going to have to be a quick study on how to be ill without being pathetic and express a need for help without appearing needy.
As Brian had stated in an earlier post, "It might even be the case that if he focuses on your health specifically, and on someone other than himself generally, it would be good for his whole outlook on life and your R."
I have placed my hope in that thought, and am cultivating an attitude that I must make room for that to happen.
"your H may NOT be the model of empathy and care right now. It SUCKS. But it is not predictive of whether or not he loves you, will recommit or anything."
). 
