Jeannine, I can't remember, but you are one of the quadruplets, aren't you???
Your approach to your H was pretty darn close to mine around the health issue. I pretty much called him on the "honour" issue right on the phone with OW as she insisted he leave to be with her immediately! And me with my surgeon's appointment THAT DAY!!!
That said...it sounds like your H is close to the end of HIS rope too. I KNOW you need support like never before right now, but my advice (and JMO) is to do as MUCH as you can for yourself. Be as strong as you can in the face of this adversity.
The day OW called and CJ was "leaving"...but promised to stay until my health crisis was over...I got myself up and went to that appointment on my own. Held it together, too. I have no idea how...just sensed that I would HAVE to learn to be more self sufficient....even if SOMEHOW our M worked out!
Please let us know how your tests went. I know they make you wait on results sometimes. (I was, fortunately, diagnosed immediately).
Want to hear another stream of thought? : My ex-fiance left me during my worst relapse of Ulcerative Colitis, about 2 months before my first surgery. What IS this???
Oh, yes AND.....Jeannine, not to scare you, but to prepare you. When I had my kidney surgery last summer, unbeknownst to me, CJ was already on OW #2 and promising her he and I were separated, he was on his way etc. (all lies).
I remember only too well how his "care for me" post op left a whole lot to be desired. He was like an empty shell. Going through the motions. Believe me, though, I appreciate those motions as I could not have recovered alone...(had twice daily nurse care too).
I recall my first night home from the hospital (a total nightmare)...I had some leakage problems from a tube site and was completely vulnerable, miserable and in acute pain.
I remember sobbing and asking CJ why he wasn't comforting me? Why didn't he hold me, say he loved me, say I wasn't some horrid burden to him. He just sat there on the bed right beside me, motionless, wordless.
I suppose that was a great big sign to me, wasn't it? But I was too ill, too needy, too oblivious to see it.
My point is....your H may NOT be the model of empathy and care right now. It SUCKS. But it is not predictive of whether or not he loves you, will recommit or anything.
I'm hoping he's more empathetic than this, however!
Well I went to my Doctor's partner yesterday, and he too was very concerned about my weight and of course the bleeding. I generally discussed with him the amount of stress that I've been living under all this year and then he did his little exam and followed up with a handful of tests he wants me to get started with. Besides the usual blood tests, I will be getting a C.A.T. scan, xrays, upper endoscopy and a colonoscopy. The last two are scheduled for Aug. 8. I have to wait for the office to call me with my appt. date on the C.A.T. scan.
My H called me at 6pm as soon as he left work and asked what had transpired at the doctor's and I told him that I would talk to him about it later.
When he got home he sat down on a bench across from me on the bed and said "so...tell me what happened". I gave him the rundown and he asked me if I was nervous. I said that sometimes I'm nervous and sometimes I don't care at all. I said that at the moment my thinking is that if it comes to a long drawn battle to recovery, I just don't have the desire to go through with it. I reminded him that it was only a few months ago that I had expressed to him that I felt like I was dying, and that to date, the feeling has not changed and I am very tired of it.
I said all this to him in a calm and resolved manner. My H got up and came over to me and said "you'll be alright" in a comforting tone and kissed me several times.
The rest of the evening he was attentive, gentle and lighthearted. I noticed him trying to entertain me in little ways.
I have noticed that my H has been less sexual (not even visiting his usual P**nsites - not complaining about that!) Within the last week and a half we've engaged only three times. I asked him about that last night and he said that he has been tired and going through a temporary loll. He also said that because I haven't been feeling well, he hasn't been persuing it as much. He assured me that I'm the only one he desires. (Hey, I didn't even ask for that one.) I don't mean to make a big deal out of this, but it is afterall, the one solid and healthy bond that we have left.
Anyway, he was warmer and more attentive than the other night. I wonder if a significant portion of my H's unfavorable behavior is a byproduct of fatigue and his usual aches and pains.
Yea Shiney, I would say that my H is at the end of his rope all too often. My C says it sounds as though both of us are so drained most of the time, that we have nothing left to give each other for the most part.
I have been doing most of my own care all along because my H is gone to work most of the day and I try not to ask too much of him on weekends as he needs his down time too.
What I am trying to focus on right now is to be careful of my demeanor in his presence. Yesterday, I worked on keeping my voice in a lower, calmer range and made sure that I responded in a positive manner to ALL of my H's efforts to cheer me up or to soothe me.
All in all it was a better evening for both of us (I hope for him). I just wish my H had been a little more physical in bed. Never thought I'd be saying that, it's always been the other way around, even throughout all the tough times. H thinks I'm worrying too much about it, said it hasn't been that long (Saturday ).
I guess I'm concerned because sex has been the one part of our relationship that worked soooo well and seemed to be untouched by any and all outside forces.
Oh well, I'm probably making too much out that, I'll just have to believe him and see what comes up.
I'm going to have to be a quick study on how to be ill without being pathetic and express a need for help without appearing needy.
As Brian had stated in an earlier post, "It might even be the case that if he focuses on your health specifically, and on someone other than himself generally, it would be good for his whole outlook on life and your R."
I have placed my hope in that thought, and am cultivating an attitude that I must make room for that to happen.
"your H may NOT be the model of empathy and care right now. It SUCKS. But it is not predictive of whether or not he loves you, will recommit or anything."
I'm so sorry that you're struggling physically AND to have h not be able to handle supporting you right now -- ugh. As hard as it is to believe, understand, fathom, it may just be that he CAN'T be there for you without you doing some "as if" stuff first.
I'm glad that he was warmer with you last night.
Thinking of you! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
"Happy1" suggested the book "Relationship Rescue". I've just ordered it.
Has anyone else read it, and if so, what is your opinion?
Between Michelle's video's and this book, maybe I will be able to glean a smidgen of hope and stop being such a wimp.
I was just listening to Dr. Michio Kaku today on the radio and he touched on the subject of stress and it's affect on health. He spoke of how fatality is one of those "affects". Especially amongst Caregivers.
Do I seem to be preoccupied with death lately? Gad Zooks! Does anyone want to pull out the ole 2x4 yet? If so, I'll understand. Just make sure it's small and padded.
Quoting Jeannine: "Happy1" suggested the book "Relationship Rescue". I've just ordered it.
Has anyone else read it, and if so, what is your opinion?
I read it (well, listened to it on tape!) and enjoyed it a great deal. I'll admit to NOT having done the exercises... (hey, I was in the car!) but I appreciate Dr. Phil's no nonsense approach.
Quote: Between Michelle's video's and this book, maybe I will be able to glean a smidgen of hope and stop being such a wimp.
Ain't nothing wimpy about you, Jeannine. I don't know anyone else with as much on their plate as you have....
I promise not to be a zealot about this but have you been meditating lately???? Even just 10 minutes in the morning may help your stress level a great deal...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well.....nope. Unless focusing on slowing one's heart rate is considered meditation, I'd have to see "nay".
I'm definitely in the "consumed by fire" stage. It appears as though I am exploring new levels of pain and despair. I hope that you, and all who read this, do not interpret my statements of late as a cry for help, I am merely exorcising the darkness that keeps welling up inside of me. I am trying not to censor my thoughts and feelings right now. The level of fear that I am grappling with is clouding my thought process and I'm trying to report back (kind of like Jodi Foster in the movie "Contact" after being flung into another dimension) my experiences as they unfold. I hope to emerge eventually with a new level of understanding.
I can only hope for an evolutionary change in my outlook and find something constructive to fix my vision to.
Oh Jeanine! I am so sorry you are feeling so down...I can understand how you feel in some ways. I thought about dying alot and dropped to 100 pounds. Couldn't eat: all that stuff but not any bleeding or surgery. please take care of you and maybe have a friend to fall back on- or your mom? WIth all on your mind it is very sweet of you to support me on my thread. I dont know all your past sitch but if you feel like everything is gray and lose that much weight, I think you should ask you DR about anti-depressants. THey worked for me- I dont have to go through life like that anymore- constantly struggling to see the sun. I think I know how you feel on that score. Your H is mentally ill in a way- in his heart and your illness makes him feel worse. I just dont think he has the reserves to give anything right now. I agree with Shiny- you are strong and whatever you can do on your own, do it and if you need support find someone else you are close to. Your H will then get the space to see the forest for the trees and if he offers support then the surprise of it makes it nicer. So I guess I think you shouldnt expect anything from him and expect him to stay away. Your illness makes him feel bad about himself. Most important is to take care of yourself. We are here to check on you and you seem like a caring sweet person. I think in the book DR, talks about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. You deserve someone there to support you better- H cant do it. We can though!
Jeannine, I am also a big advocate of taking anti-D's when they can be helpful.
I should have taken them back when bomb hit and began separation as I was a complete mess, lost a lot of weight, couldn't eat and had more crying jags than I can remember.
Then, went through a scare with a lump found in a mamogram. Like your H, my H was concerned, but separation continued.
I finally got the anti-D's, but now wish I would have done it in my darkest days. It would have helped me keep my head above water on those days I felt like I was "vacating my body".
Vent away here if it helps. If the negative thoughts end up on your computer screen and STAY THERE then that's good. I believe that to be the case, because you always seem to have the off-key remark that makes us all smile. You are under a heavy load, and need to just do one thing at a time for a while. Don't look ahead, don't look behind. Take care of right now, and let the rest handle itself.
). 
As hard as it is to believe, understand, fathom, it may just be that he CAN'T be there for you without you doing some "as if" stuff first. 
Gad Zooks! Does anyone want to pull out the ole 2x4 yet? If so, I'll understand. Just make sure it's small and padded. 