Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Well, I took the step and at least made the consultation visit to the L - Still may change my mind, but feel as if I need some protection.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Excellent. Are you going to tell your wife that you did it?

[CBK]

Yes, I will probably do it after the fact, tomorrow night just so I lived up to my end of the bargain. I just need to be sure I go, I don't want to say I am going, then back out... which is a slim possibility.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good idea.

[steve477]

CBK,

I may seem to be alone in this idea, but less is more. You are gaining momentum in a certain direction at the moment. It is not a direction I would travel myself but that is up to you.

Just stop, and work on you. Even if W gives up A right now, it will be a while before you are both ok.
You said youself we are in similar sitchs, only I am 3 months further along. Cant you give it 3 months? See how things pan out. If you look back wont you wish you had tried to give it more time. How much time is up to you, I personally set a 12 month timeline for me.

Good Luck Man, please keep cool till I get back

See you Monday!

Steve

[ping1]

CBK, I would recommend that you go and at least find out your legal rights. It will only make you feel better. You don't have to push anything forward, let her do that but at least find out what you are in for. JMHO.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Proverbs 15:22 “Plans fail with lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.”

[CBK]

Thanks Steve - I hear you. I do need to stop and re-evaluate where I am, what I have heard, what I have listened to and what my long term goals are.

I have time, nothing but time right now. As much as it hurts, and we all know that, I need to keep the brass ring in front of me at all times. I can give it a year, not sure if W can or will, but that will be her choice. Today I have made some major decisions - I don't know if you ever talked to a L, but it is only the consultation and I need to find what legally can be done to me if W chooses to. I need to get those ducks in a row in case I get blindsided.

Like I said, today I am taking serious measures to detach. I have my IC tomorrow and then my DB coach on Thursday, then the MC on Thursday - I have a lot of "manning up" to do before I get into the MC again.

After reading my posts this AM from last night, I would not be married to me, let alone date me! I am taking a lot of what Sandi said yesterday - some of it home for me. Puppy has been good as well, always pushing the envlope, and even though we don't agree on everything, he respects my decisions. I need to learn from you all much better and NOT make the same mistakes.

Good news is my bro is coming to town next weekend, so I have somebody to hang with, then my mom and dad are coming up - won't that be fun with W still in the house - to spend some tine with family.

I am staying cool, I am keeping my phone tree close, so when I do falter, and I will again, I call them for support and not talk to W about it.

Peace - this is where I am right this minute - peace.

CBK

[CBK]

I have been doing a lot of soul searching today, and many realizations coming to mind. I posted a note to H4H about his sitc'. Almost idnetical to mine. Here is what I said and beleive:

1) No matter how much we beg and plead, it drives them further away
2) My W doesn't want to work on our M either - so I need to detach and work on me.
3) You sound a lot like me - "I want everybody to know we made it" - type attitude. I am learning that the whole world doesn't need to know, this is something that she and I need to work out.
4) Like you, I love my W madly, but I also realize I haven't been listening to her - so the changes I am making for me, will help with us no matter where we end up.
5) Lean on friends and this board. I did last night big time. I sat in a parking lot and cried after what I found out. I have friends that I can call 24/7. If you don't have this, expand and find them. Only two people know of my sitc' because of the OM and my choice not to expose. If you choose, keep it to only those most trusted sources.
6) I know, that IF we don't make it, there will be a hole in my heart that only she can fill. I say IF, because I still have hope.
7) This will take a lot of time. Today I set a year as my target date. That is April of 2009. I am not putting my life on hold, I am going to grow. If we are not back together by then, and if she has not found another person nor I, then I may give it another year. I will not stop living because of our sitc'.
8) I am lucky I got to spend 26 years with this person. I have no ill feelings toward her, I know she didn't set out to hurt me, life happened and I didn't pay attention.

I have choices - and over the past 5 weeks, I have chosen to wallow in self-pitty, only pushing my W further and further away. Who knows if we will choose to be together again, I will always be hopeful.

I know I have said this over and over, and I am listening to the my friends on this board, but I am getting ready to change, and fight for me and us. So stay with me, hit me when I falter, tell me when I do a good job. Nobody except the good people on this board knows what I am going through. Many say walk away, that is too easy.

I have decided to always end my notes with the word "peace" only if I am in that state after writing and journaling.

Peace,

CBK

[CBK]

Oh yea:

9) Don't snoop, do everthing humanly possible not to snoop. It has hurt me more than has helped me - snooping means I am not detaching, snooping means I don't trust. I want to say everytime I snoop, I will donate $100 to the abused spouse shelter in our area - I think I will make that a promise to myself. And if I make it a year without snooping, I will still donate money to the shelter!