Thanks for being there for me yesterday. I seem to be hitting bottom, huh. After I had posted yesterday, an intense thunderstorm came through and the dogs and I huddled together shaking, each of us scared for reasons of our own.
My H called on his way back from work yesterday, but I didn't answer the phone. I was too much in a funk to talk to anyone. He then arrived here about a half an hour later. I was held up in the study with the shade drawn and the door closed. I needed to be in a dark, quiet place. Of course, my mother was doing her usual (trying to get at me by any means) and the dogs were doing there usual (barking and generally going nuts because of my mother's bizarre behavior) so I just curled up in the darkness ignoring it as best I could.
My H walked in and sat with me a while wanting to know what had happened at the doctor's office. I gave him a general rundown but spent most my energy on not bursting into tears. He was warm and considerate.
Last night was not supposed to be his night over, but he stayed anyway. He continued to show warmth and sensitivity throughout the evening.
Tonight, Saturday and Saturday night is supposed to be his stay over. I'm not sure how all this is going to play out though. So far he has only spent Sunday and Tuesday night away and I'm sure he is not feeling that "freedom" he has been seeking. I did not ask him to stay last night, nor did I ask anything of him.
I don't recall how the topic came up between the dr. and me, but we briefly discussed stress and the affect it has on the immune system. I started to cry when he asked me about the weight loss issue and told him that there were "problems at home" and because of that, I lost 22lbs. and although I was eating more now, I haven't been able to gain any weight.
We share the same doctor, so when he asked me if H and I were still together, I nervously said "more or less". He said "good, good" and then left the exam room.
I didn't have all these health problems before this year, so my guess is that the prolonged, intense stress that I've been living with has taken a toll on my body. And my other guess is that so long as I continue to be so intensely stressed out, I'm not likely to pull out of this health crisis.
Unfortunately, I don't have any real friends of my own, H was it, (caregiving is an isolating job) and no local family outside of my mother (who can't be there for me anymore) and my time is not my own as much as I need it to be right now. I do get some relief during the week, however, as sick as I am now, I need copious amounts of uninterrupted rest.
I need the support of my H more than ever now too. The timing of this seperation is really bad. I'm wondering if I should risk discussing this with him. Or should I just take a "wait and see" stance to see if he offers up anything. Waiting for him to do that, in itself, would be stressful though. But then again, feeling as if I've put him into a corner isn't going to feel good either.
All I do know at this point is that I'm not going to be able to handle my duties and responsiblities, plus the emotional overload and rally myself through all the tests and do the things I need to in order to get well, as things stand today.
I feel like a major liability to my H and others. Yuck!
Yes Sage, I would like to find some other DBers in my area. How does one do that? Do you post in all the forums? Use a designated thread? I think that I would feel pretty selfish taking up so much space. But you've got me thinking now, perhaps that idea would work under a thread specifically aimed at those who are looking for fellow DBers in their own area. Hmmm. What do you think?
