rop- I think every situation is different and every wife is different. You know your wife more than anyone and will know what is working and what isn't. It also depends on timing. I know at the beginning of the first A I was at that point sooo Mad that It wouldn't matter what H said. He didn't meet my needs, I felt I tried everything, and I was angry. Anything he did felt fake. I thought to myself, you didn't do this for 10 years why should I believe you now. The OM did everything naturally I thought. The OM was my "soulmate" and H was the one that "had no clue" about me and how to understand me, make me happy, etc.
I wouldn't leave my H for the OM and even told the OM that I was going to try to work on it with H. I came back to H in my mind, OM moved back to his hometown. H never knew I had A at this point, I had withdrawals bad, sat on couch all day, sad all day, slept as much as possible, etc. During this time, H just looked sad/victimized....pissed me off!!!!!! That was when he should have done something....any of the things I had told him I needed...any of them!!!! Sooooo....found another OM and started new relationship. During this time I was getting needs met by OM, and basically just waiting for H to do something. WHen I finally saw that he was going to do something ....get counseling for himself for the things he coudln't seem to show/give me, when he started doing any of the things....that's when I backed off the OM. I also started to realize that even though I felt better with OM, I didn't want my life with OM. I had to do this part on my own.
what h4h said is correct. You have to show how great you are and how you are changed. How you realize that she is right...the marriage was lacking in things and how you have changed those things and are better and it it isn't temporary. Saying the things to WW was maybe too early. Like I said, at first I got mad at anything H said to me....you will know when to start doing them. She isn't ready to have you pursue it looks like, the anger on the phone tells you this. I remember being this way to H. I was pissed whenever he called. He would say hi and then not say anything else, just sit there. I remember thinking wth you want. Anger.
Focus on the whole 180 and being happy. That is attractive to us. She will not like the whole puppy dog look or the "victim" look. That just pisses us off. Be with kids and happy and show the changes over and over and over and over.
