She would not get to decide when I see the kids ultimately. There are laws in my state that pretty much automatically award 50/50 placement to good parents, which I am. Also it is still my home as I am paying for it, I do not see why I should not be able to come into it when I want.
I am not moving everything, but I am indeed staying someplace else. I would still see my kids during the day/evening but sleeping someplace else. Also as much as she has not been coming home at nights I think that I am doing more to keep the kids lives stable than she is.
You sound much like she does right now. I can treat you like crap and however I feel like it but it is your JOB to stay and keep the kids happy. I want you to understand that I have taken not a year of this, but several. Several affiars that I know of and several others that I suspect. I don't think I am the one with the misguided heart in this relationship.
I see that sounded like an attack on you and I did not mean it in that manner.
JWs-
You have just stated my ultimate fear. The kids know there is something wrong between my wife and I. The oldest will not even talk to me anymore and the youngest is regressing in his habits. I do not want my kids to get the impression that totally disregarding you mate is OK. My wife, for whatever reasons, has NO respect for me and that is not right for my kids to think is OK.
Not to mention we don't do anythings that a normal family would do because of the fact that my wife and I don't get along. They never see us hug, they never see us kiss etc etc. I think affection should be promoted not hidden.
I don't want to look back when I am 55 and realize that there are so many better choices I could have made with my life and then start to feel bitter towards all the people I love.
Ty, You have had a lot of advice from different posters. But that is all it can ever be - advice. You are the one actually in this situation, and the one that has to decide on how to move forward.
It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking and are now acting on your conclusions. Good. The only thing I would remind you is that you should be acting free of any expectation that your wife is going to "come to her senses". She may do, she may not. Even if she does, you may still decide that you have no future together. You must be prepared to deal with whatever scenario unfolds. Keep us posted.
Best of luck.
Strong&Alive
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
thanks again for posting all your ideas and advice. You are right of course, it is advice and nothing more. That being said there is a change in myself that was an almost audible "click" in my head when I just realized that she is NOT going to come to her senses. She likes living life the way she is living it and she needs to realize the way she treats me is bad. I have been very nice, but very firm about what I am going to do.
There has been no yelling, no shouting and no fighting. I refuse to be baited into a fight with her. Again I am trying to be there for my kids and make this transition as easy as possible for them I am not sure what the future holds right now, but I am keeping a positive additude about it.
Again thanks for everyone's advice, it is appreciated.
Just wanted to let you know I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you are right.... kids need to see two loving parents. It is VERY beneficial they see afffection between PARENTS. Staying for the kids only hurts them. There are many solutions and yet beating a dead horse.... is not one of them. Take Care and God bless... ~Ali
Just thought I would hop on and give everyone the what's for and a situation report.
The wife decided that the marriage could not work out, or that it was too hard, or that we are not compatible, or that she meet the next man of her dreams....just depends on what day you asked her.
The long and short of it is that she has filed for divorce, so apparently that chapter of my life is over.
Somehow it is as if a huge weight has been lifted from my back...and placed directly on my shoulders. I have no idea what to do. 7 years of being married, having all those things to do when I get home, someone there. It feels like someone stole the very best years of my life and now I have nothing to show for it.
I am pretty pissed.
Anyways, trying to keep it cool and do what I need to do to stay healthy and shield the kids from the worst of it.
Thanks for all the advice and all the help...it is appreciated.
"Somehow it is as if a huge weight has been lifted from my back...and placed directly on my shoulders. I have no idea what to do. 7 years of being married, having all those things to do when I get home, someone there."
Not true, Tyguy. You are now free of a cheating, ungrateful wife. One who clearly did not love or even respect you. You now have the opportunity of a fresh start. Read my first long post to you all over again. Start living the life you were meant to live. Start being the man you have always wanted to be. Discover your purpose. Get all that underway. When the right kind of healthy woman comes along, you will be ready.
"It feels like someone stole the very best years of my life and now I have nothing to show for it."
Not true either. You have learned some of the most important lessons a man can ever learn - about himself, women, sex, truth, choices, and responsibility. Those lessons have undoubtedly cost you in time, money and of course emotional pain. That's life. There aren't (and never were) any guarantees that your life will be (i) easy, (ii) fair, or even (iii) filled with love and sex! The only guarantee is that you have within you right now all you need to cope with the rest of your life and whatever it brings, to be a good father, and to act with integrity and courage in all that you do.
That is what a man's life is about first and foremost, not staying with a woman no matter what she says or does to him.
Some men die without ever learning what you now know. So stop thinking of yourself as a victim. You walk out of this marriage a stronger, better, wiser man. Be grateful for your lessons and start acting accordingly.
You will not make the same mistakes again.
Thanks for keeping us informed.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
I just want to say thanks for putting the whole thing in that context. I have no doubt I will recover and I have no doubt that I have learned things about myself that I never knew before. I really worry about my kids though...what did they learn about themselves? I know when my parents were divorced I had so many questions and so few answers. I know I will be there for them the best I can, but I don't think my ex-wife will be. She has it in her head to be 22 again with no cares in the world, it is disconcerting honestly.
Again thanks for giving me the "man-up" advice...God knows I need it sometimes.
Ty - If you are a strong parent for your kids then they will learn from you how to grow to become strong, healthy and loving adults. I came from a broken home too, and yes it did hurt when my dad left. But as I grew and with my mother's strength and love, I came to realize that we were so much better off when my dad left to go "chase" his youth. She helped me to understand that it was not my or my sister's fault that he left. She was there for us and we grew up with the stability the she gave to us.
Listen to S&A, much of what he says reminds me of mom's advice. Her favorite saying is, "Everything works to the good." You may not see the good in this right now, but over time it will unfold to reveal itself you and your kids.
Take care, Cinco
Me49 W49 D17 M23 Sep01 Me PA 1 Jan02 filed D Mar02 ended A 1 reconcile Apr08 Me PA 2 May08 ended A 2 Aug09 A's revealed My latest thread Drive
Ty - I want to echo the others. If a child has at least one stable, loving parent who makes sure they feel loved...then the child will come out ok.
From my marriage (divorced now) I have a step-daughter. I raised her like my own, and I only had one baby, a boy, so having my step-daughter was a huge gift to me as I had always wanted at least one girl and one boy.
For my poor step-daughter, both her mother and her father (my ex-h) were kind of messed up in regards to child raising. Her mother more so, but my ex-h had some strange parenting things, too. Anyway, I was the only stable parent toward her out of her three parents. I never waivered in my parenting, not even when I divorced her father.
She is 24 years old now and has a daughter. She has told me so many times, how my influence as her parent made all the difference in the world to her and has made her become a great parent too. And I know this isn't just smoke. Literally, had it not been for me, that girl would have had no clue how to parent and she would have been so messed up. EVEN THOUGH I could not protect her from the horrible things that happened to her when she was in her mother's custody, and yes she is damaged by those things that happened to her, but....she has come through it all on top by having at least one stable parent.
I know divorce sucks. You will get through it. Try to view your job now as way more important than just "husband". Now you are "man" first, and "father" second. This is the correct order for you now.
Also, please don't look at it like a time in your life was stolen from you. Don't take this harsh but, you did choose to be there as long as you did, no one forced you. Now its your job to find out why you allowed that to happen to you, not to find out why "she did this to you". Big difference.
