After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

Thanks for stopping by, Neecy, Michelle, and ACJ.

Its ok to be worried, I think my biggest problem here would be the shape of a heart(especially if it isn't the refinery stationary).

No, it definitely wasn't the refinery stationary. It was a blank, smiley-faced heart-shaped card. Interesting choice.

But I would think, and I don't know your H, that if it was something that he thought would raise flags he wouldn;t be throwing it down on the table for you to pick up.

Very true.

As far as her using the word I, I think that my employer and supervisors would do the same, it comes more from an area of them thinking that they themselves are extrememly important than it does from an aspect of intimacy.

Didn't think of it that way. It IS very possible that that's all it is.

Is it possible that he was being untruthful but it has nothing to do with a possible OW?

Of course it's possible. Perhaps it could be as Michelle suggested. I think maybe he was out doing something he didn't feel comfortable telling me about. Ummm, maybe he was just out driving around, killing time or something along those lines, and for whatever reason, he didn't want to tell me. Maybe he thought I would be upset or hurt that he didn't want to be at home (spending time with me). I don't know, but it could be.

My H told me he is here for one reason, and for one reason only. It is to "raise the children the right way". To "give them the father I never had". "They are ALL I care about. I don't give a sh** about what happens between you and me."

Did he recant this statement at a later point? I think that if you consider the circumstances that he said this solely to hurt you in the moment.

I think you may be right, although he didn't apologize specifically for saying this to me. I brought it up during an R talk we had yesterday. I told him that it hurt, and I didn't know how to feel or what to think about this M. All he said in response to that was, "I said I was sorry for fighting."

It would have made me feel a little better if I heard, "I'm sorry for having said that. I was angry, people say and do stupid things when they're mad, and it was wrong of me. That's not how I really feel."

But.....I know that's beyond my control. Blech!

Well anyway, Saturday was nice! Had lots of fun at the poker party! Did I mention that it was also a pajama party?! Wow, you should've seen the deck of cards my sister bought for us to use - pictures of hard-bodied naked men! Needless to say, the first few hands we attempted to play took the loooooongest to finish!!! LOL

It was absolutely the break that I needed . I also talked to my sisters a little bit about my sitch. They told me that they admired my strength for sticking it out for as long as I have, and even though things are tough right now, I should just continue with doing what makes me happy (GAL), and it's up to H whether or not he'd like to be a part of that. Gosh, how I love my family! They are so wonderful, and I am very blessed to have them!

Will update some more in a while, mostly about yesterday's R talk. Gotta finish up a couple of chores before heading out to pick up my boys from school.

Thanks again, girls!

[GoingForward]

Now, I know that in DBing, we're supposed to refrain from having too many R talks, but I've been at this for so long, and I feel it's well past the time (in my sitch) where I've got to tell H exactly what I want and expect from our M. He has expectations of me, so.....

Yesterday didn't start off so good. Not terribly bad, but it could've been better. I got up rather late since I didn't get home from my sister's and into bed until nearly 3am.

Anyway, H (he worked graveyard that night) and I both woke up around 9:30am. He actually got out of bed about 10 minutes before I did. He walked out of the bedroom to make some calls on his cellphone, then came back into the room while I was making the bed. Now, prior to all of this, I reminded him three days ago (and another two or three before then) that he would have to watch the kids while I went to work on Sunday. He complained then and again yesterday morning that he wasn't going to be able to do anything that he wanted to do if he had to watch them.

I've had enough of this. EVERY time I need him to help out with his OWN children, he pouts like a child. It always seems to be "Me, me, me" with him. So I called him on it. I said, "I'm just going to say this because it's on my mind. I think you are being selfish." H asked, "What do you mean? Why do you say that?" I told him, "It seems to me that whenever you have free time, you want to do what you want, when you want. That's ok. It really is, and you deserve that. But if that doesn't happen, you become upset and complain about it. There have been many times when I've wanted to do certain things by myself, but I couldn't because I had to care for the boys. I don't complain about it. I just deal with it. I'll even take them with me if I have to, if I can't find a sitter......I told you I had to work today and that I would need you to watch the kids." H said, "I know that. I AM going to watch them. It just sucks that I don't get to do what I want to do on my day off!"

He started getting upset and was about to walk out of the room when he turned back to me and said, "I can't believe you said I'm selfish. How can you say that? I feel like I'm selfLESS. I work my a$$ off to give you guys everything!"

I said, "You're right. You do. You absolutely DO work VERY hard, and I can only imagine what that must be like. I don't know what it PHYSICALLY feels like to be you. I don't, but I do know that you work hard to provide for your family, and for that I am extremely grateful and always will be.....But I believe the problem is that since you work this hard, that you feel entitled to do what you want, whenever you want, and you don't want to hear any BS about it whatsoever.....and that BS is when I talk to you about how I feel. My feelings are BS, and I don't think that's right."

H didn't say anything. Just kind of closed his eyes for a moment, then said again, "How can you tell me that I'm selfish?" I told him I was sorry, but that was how I felt. That was what I believed, and he made it an even stronger belief when he admitted it to me himself.

Nothing was said for a few moments until I spoke up and said, "H, when you came to me the last time and said that you didn't want a D, I told you exactly what I would need from you. You would have to move back in, which you did, and we would have to spend time together. We went to the Kings' game that weekend, and I thought we had a great time, but then there was nothing after that. It's been almost two months since we've done anything......I'm in the house, everyday, every week, with the kids. I need and want to get out of the house from time to time, and I would like to do that with you. Spending time together makes me feel loved.....I want to be loved.....I deserve to feel loved. I feel that I've been trying to make things better with you, and for you because I want you to be happy and comfortable here. Thank you for mellowing out with me about the changes you wanted made. I really appreciate that very much.......I cannot make this M better all on my own. There has to be effort coming from both sides. If you feel that you can't try, or that you don't want to spend time together, then you should be honest about it and tell me. I deserve that just as much as you do."

Again, he didn't say anything, so I went to take my shower. As soon as I got out, he got in and talked with me a little about other things. Just chit-chat, more or less.

I also asked him during that R talk if he had gone to (friend)'s house to pick up his mail recently (I don't think he's done an address change with the post office). He said yes and asked why. I told him I just wanted to see if he got anything from my ATTY regarding the continuance date. He hesitated but said he did. Then he asked, "What's going to happen?" I said I didn't know.

When I got home from work yesterday, H asked if I minded if he went for a bike ride on his Harley. I said of course not. He came back about an hour and a half later and pretty much hung out in the man-cave. One of his coworkers stopped by and had some dinner that I made for us. H came inside and asked me what food we could give to this guy (he's in sad, rough financial situation), so we went through the pantry together and filled a huge sack for him with lots of food and goodies. Before H went back outside to give him the stuff, he thanked me and said he really appreciated me doing this. Rubbed my arm a little. I told him no prob, it was cool.

After his friend left, he came back inside and we watched some TV together. He was being a little playful, and I just went along with it. At 10:30pm, H was ready for bed, but I wasn't yet. He asked how much longer I was going to be up for, and I said not much longer, so he laid back down on the couch until I was ready. We went to bed, but nothing happened. Wasn't expecting anything to.

He was supposed to be off today, but he decided to go in anyway and work on some more rail cars. I actually was expecting that. Before he left this morning, he told the kids he loved them and wished me a good day. I wished him the same.

I called him earlier this afternoon to see what time he was getting off since I didn't know if he was working a regular shift or a double. He said just a regular one today, so he should be back around 5, 5:30pm or so. During this call, he told me he feels inadequate. I asked him what he meant, and he said he feels like there are other guys out there that could make me happy where he cannot. I told him that sometimes I felt the same way in reverse - there might be someone else out there that could possibly be better for him than me. He said he doubted it, and he would probably be miserable. I said it seems that he's miserable even now. He said, "Well.....then I guess try to imagine it being a whole lot worse."

He also said he thinks the whole situation is just so unfair. If we split up, he will have to give up so much, and he will have to work even harder to be able to pay child/spousal support as well as having to provide for himself. He said again, "It's so f***ing unfair."

[MichelleLT]

What is it with WASs being so immature?

It's not fair. To him, to you, to the children.

Since when is life fair??????? I don't know where they get this expectation that things have to be fair to them.

[GoingForward]

It's mind-boggling, isn't it?

When we were once very close to coming to an agreement with the D terms, he wanted me to agree to a flat sum of child and spousal support and never ask for more. Going with the advice of a L he consulted (and he later said he didn't agree with this because he felt it was too much but did it anyway to see what I would say), he wanted me to agree to $3000 a month.....even though there are months when he earns over $10000, take home. He said, "Many people can live off of $3000 every month."....Very true.....So tell you what, H.....How about you keep the $3K and the boys and I will take the $7K? Never said that to him, but sometimes I wish I had.

If this does indeed end in D, I will not short change my children, or myself, because he feels it isn't fair to him. The kids and I have earned every bit. I will not allow him to make me feel bad for getting what we deserve.

[klm]

((((GF))))

So tell you what, H.....How about you keep the $3K and the boys and I will take the $7K?

Hmmm...I wouldn't have been able to keep that comment to myself.

I know R talks are draining for both of you, but I think you got some things off of your chest. You deserve to have your needs met too, and he needs to know what those needs are. Yeah, I am sure he works hard...but I am also sure that taking care 3 boys is no small feat!

Maybe your talk will get him to thinking about things...and he knows that the date in June is quickly approaching.

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Kris. (((Hugs right back at ya!)))

All I can do is hope that our convo made an impact on him and will get him to really think. He does need to realize that my feelings aren't BS, and yes, that I have needs as well. Everything cannot just be what he, and he alone, wants.

He is behaving a little differently tonight. His coworker is here again, and they're both outside having some beers. Anyway, he actually sat with the boys and me at dinnertime this evening (he hasn't for the last week or so), he's been giving ME lots of WOA (compliments about dinner and thanking me for being generous with coworker being here), he's been touching me lightly on the arm and on the small of my back, he's initiated a few hugs this evening as well, and I even got a kiss on the cheek from him.

That is all really terrific, but truthfully, I am still wary. I worry that it's only temporary to diffuse the current tensions between us and that it won't actually be a continued effort.

Hmmm.....dunno.

One day at a time. That's all I can do right now.

[MichelleLT]

Your wariness is completely natural.

But do not let your fear control you. Do not fear to hope even though you are not naive enough to expect perfection.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie

[GoingForward]

Thank you sooo much for sharing that quote, Michelle. Very inspirational and a TREMENDOUS help to me.

(((((((Thanks again! )))))))

[Sugar and Spice]

GF all you can do is the best you can do. Not very sage, but its the best I've got today.

Try and stay positive and keep up the good DB'ing when you can.

I love Michelle's quotes, they are always just the right thing at the right time.

Corey

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Corey.

I'm not completely ready to throw in the towel just yet, but I do need to continue with GAL activities. I can't wait on H to do things with me as it may not happen anytime soon. Gotta keep my PMA up for ME .

H's actions the other day (the hugs, WOA, etc) were nice but short lived. Yesterday, he was back to being mopey and said something about how I'm going to get everything - alimony, child support, etc, etc, life sucks.......

I wasn't planning on going anywhere yesterday but couldn't stick around here with him acting like that, so I called up one of my friends and decided to hang out with her and another friend for a few hours. Told H what I was doing and hoped he had a good evening with the boys. He didn't seem too happy about it but said nothing. When I got home around 11pm, he was already in bed asleep.

He's at work right now. I'm home, of course, and S3 and I are watching Go, Diego, Go! Actually, he's watching, I'm listening.