I've got that "eh...why bother" feeling. I'm thinking, yeah, he might come back but then I'm thinking, do I want him back? He does/doesn't do so many things that annoy the pee out of me. I've been letting myself really think about what I'd like in a partner, what would "fit" with me and so much of how he is is counterproductive to that.
I vacillate between wanting him back and then being thankful to finally have a fresh start, guilt free (meaning that I didn't instigate this break up and have been trying to make it work). It's hard for me to really think of WHY I want him back. I know that's horrible but the only thing I can think of is because the divorce will hurt the kids. They need two parents. It would take miraculous happenings in his behavior towards me and responsibilities and a major attitude adjustment on his part for me to really want HIM as a man. Wow, that sounds harsh but I'm finally letting myself admit that yeah, there are things about him that just don't work for me or fit into what I want/need in a life partner. It's like we don't go by the same "mission statement". I don't tell him those things. I'm just recently admitting them to myself. Yet and still, it always comes back to "what is best for the kids and the family as a whole".
He's possibly coming up this weekend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I am really happy for the kids. But I am irritated with him right now because he called and said he wants his half of the economic stimulation check coming out this week. That sounds fair except that he took 3/4's of the tax refund for his own stuff (bills & "toys") and the kids and I didn't really get much with it because I had to catch up on bills with the rest. Not to mention, he defaulted on my van loan (stopped payment in Dec. and didn't tell me) and it is in danger of repossession if it doesn't get caught up. He was using that money each month for himself instead of ensuring that his family had reliable transportation and now I have to be the one to pull it out of my a$$ to keep it from getting repo'd. Considering he only gives me a $500 allotment per month (which was only $350 of usable money because he kept putting it in the wrong account that had automatic payments of his coming out of it) and there are 4 kids to feed, transport and buy clothes & shoes for and also, the phone, etc. Sorry, I'm starting to get bitter again and amazed that a grown man with 4 kids can be so irresponsible and not put their well being first. Okay, so maybe it's a quarter life crisis but snap out of it already. We don't have time for this.
Yeah, I'm just not feeling the love today. It's hard to feel loving towards someone you have very little respect for as a person.
