To Hope or Not to Hope?

[MichelleLT]

Where are you moving to and why? (Maybe I missed that).

You guys have survived a lot of hard times together, but there are wounds. Has your H ever opened up about the baby's death and such? I find it very telling that a lot happened around the anniversary.

For my H, it was the anniversary of the death of a guy in his platoon who was shot through the throat by a sniper. He shuts down and acts out. He is not good about asking for what he needs, he thinks I should be able to support him w/o him having to tell me what he needs, so when our M wasn't supplying it he hooked up with a girl from online. Then a week later started the long-term A that he (possibly) broke off recently.

For both our H's (and for you) those were life-changing events. And easily could be triggers for QLC. Just thinking "out loud" here.

Hang in there.

[lovnlrn]

Okay, baby's good now. A nap did wonders for both of us. :-)

I just checked and my H is still online on Myspace. Not surprised. He's been on there all hours of the day and night lately when he's not in class. Unrestrained Myspace usage is what started this round of separation. But I keep remembering what someone here said. The other women are not the problem, they are a symptom.

I've been calling him or contacting him less and less(unless it's to tell him something for the kids). He called last night to talk to the kids and get an 'update' on what's been going on here. I think he was surprised that I didn't contact him all weekend. Interesting that he calls on my cell phone instead of the house phone. I usually hand the phone to one of them to answer but then when he talks to me, I can hear that his feelings are hurt & he wants to know why I do that. I just say that I know he's calling to keep in touch with them & he says that he wants to talk to me, too. I try to keep an upbeat, friendly, business-like tone (how I would interact with a client I've known awhile). I don't always do that but I'm learning to keep the "pissy-ness" to a bare minimum. lol Every once in awhile (which I just realized is about once a month. lol), I'll call him when I'm going to bed or waking up and tell him that I loved waking up to him or curling up in bed with him and how I'd feel safe with his strong arms around me when I had nightmares. He sounds sentimental & says he liked that, too. I don't stay on the phone long (even though I really want to) and he usually sends me a text shortly after that says something like, "I still love you" or "you are a beautiful woman, always to me" or like last night's text where he wrote, "you will always be what I measure sexy against", etc. Sometimes I just stare at the phone and say, "WTF?" because I'm baffled.

There's no doubt in my mind that he loves me and that he has a lot of passion for me. It's just....well, I don't know exactly what "it's just". I do know that I'm tired of the online affairs. I'm tired of the ugliness it brings out in me. I can get pretty mouthy and can have quite the temper when I'm crossed or when anything happens to put this family's well being at risk. I've acted in ways towards him that I am not proud of. But then the focus will be on my actions/reactions and not anything he did to provoke it. Right before he moved out in November, he had met a girl on myspace that he hooked up with in person. Turns out she lives in my neighborhood. That was very hard for me to deal with and I didn't act too pretty when I was dealing with it.

He's supposed to come up this weekend to celebrate our son's first birthday. I'm a little nervous but actually feel more confident in myself than I had in past encounters. I've been praying that he would get all this out of his system before he graduates (end of July) because at that point, he moves to his new duty station and the kids and I find somewhere else to live near my son's high school (he only has 2 yrs left & I don't want to disrupt a good thing there) instead of moving up north where our family is.

I really don't want to move. If we got back together, he could put in for a family waiver because our son is in his last 2 yrs of school and they would postpone his report date. Our family has gone through soooo many changes in the past couple of years that I'm really ready to just settle. I have "house issues", too. I moved around a lot when I was a kid and not always with my whole family. I don't mind moving with the Army as a WHOLE family but we just got settled here and the next move will be the one where we split the family. I hate that thought. Plus, I know I could never even remotely afford something as nice as where we live now. In fact, I will probably have to go to a 2-3 bedroom apt in low-income housing because I can't afford much more. I'm trying not to worry but just when I'm feeling comfortable here and enjoying where we live, I get that thought. Makes me feel insecure, all this disruption. I'd like to know what I can actually depend on and rely on. Feels like shifting sand under my feet constantly and I'm trying to be the stability for my kids.

I know that all sounds bad, like I just want to get back together to keep living in the same place. At this point, though, I dare not hope for him to cherish or honor me or really be "into me". The best I can hope for is stability for my children. It's not about me and what I want for me. I'm past my "expiration" date. ha ha I don't want to start over with someone else. It's better to just try to repair what already is established. But it takes two to do that and so far only one of us thinks that divorce will hurt the kids.

[lovnlrn]

I was taking so long writing that post that I didn't even realize that you had posted, Michelle. :-) Things that require me to be cerebral take a long time around here because someone is always needing me or yanking on me. lol

[MichelleLT]

Totally understandable.

I am also not proud of how I acted when I found out about my H's affairs. I said and did very mean things.

And he is angry and resents me for it.

But my question is always, why can you be mad at me for how I acted, but I can't be mad at you for hurting me??? It's not fair.

But then, life isn't always fair.

re your future expectations. It's good to have low expectations, you need to notice the small positives (don't expect them, but note them and appreciate them and reward him for them if you can). But don't give up hope of having a happy M either. I know it's hard to see it now, but it is possible, it does happen. And if you set your ultimate goal too low, you will never surpass it.

[lovnlrn]

It used to be that we had our once a year, knock down, drag out around the end of May or June. Not sure why. But a friend that had known us for years pointed that out. It would always be "the end" and he'd go live in the barracks, then he'd come back. I'd joke that he was on his "man period" at that time of year because he just was dark, depressed, irritable, withdrawn, etc. I'd try to draw him out (I can't take care of this family alone) and it would result in him retreating further (always involving World of Warcraft or some similar online game and other women online) and then me pursuing, but in a pissed off way at that point. I don't take a lot of crap so when I'd done the whole understanding thing for awhile and he would still not be getting over himself, I'd get mad. If he wasn't doing right by the kids, he'd really get it from me.

But then when Gabriel died, I had been very sick with pneumonia and whooping cough and rushed to the hospital a couple times, even broke my ribs from coughing. When I delivered him, the focus was on my grief, keeping me loopy, etc. My H was my rock. By the time he brought the baby to me, he was wrapped up in a blanket and cleaned up. I know how devastating my own grief was & there are parts I don't remember. But he was alert through it all. This was his son, dead in his arms.

Hm, now I'm thinking. Our worst fights, his retreat, his online affairs, etc. are now in November.

[lovnlrn]

I've got that "eh...why bother" feeling. I'm thinking, yeah, he might come back but then I'm thinking, do I want him back? He does/doesn't do so many things that annoy the pee out of me. I've been letting myself really think about what I'd like in a partner, what would "fit" with me and so much of how he is is counterproductive to that.

I vacillate between wanting him back and then being thankful to finally have a fresh start, guilt free (meaning that I didn't instigate this break up and have been trying to make it work). It's hard for me to really think of WHY I want him back. I know that's horrible but the only thing I can think of is because the divorce will hurt the kids. They need two parents. It would take miraculous happenings in his behavior towards me and responsibilities and a major attitude adjustment on his part for me to really want HIM as a man. Wow, that sounds harsh but I'm finally letting myself admit that yeah, there are things about him that just don't work for me or fit into what I want/need in a life partner. It's like we don't go by the same "mission statement". I don't tell him those things. I'm just recently admitting them to myself. Yet and still, it always comes back to "what is best for the kids and the family as a whole".

He's possibly coming up this weekend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I am really happy for the kids. But I am irritated with him right now because he called and said he wants his half of the economic stimulation check coming out this week. That sounds fair except that he took 3/4's of the tax refund for his own stuff (bills & "toys") and the kids and I didn't really get much with it because I had to catch up on bills with the rest. Not to mention, he defaulted on my van loan (stopped payment in Dec. and didn't tell me) and it is in danger of repossession if it doesn't get caught up. He was using that money each month for himself instead of ensuring that his family had reliable transportation and now I have to be the one to pull it out of my a$$ to keep it from getting repo'd. Considering he only gives me a $500 allotment per month (which was only $350 of usable money because he kept putting it in the wrong account that had automatic payments of his coming out of it) and there are 4 kids to feed, transport and buy clothes & shoes for and also, the phone, etc. Sorry, I'm starting to get bitter again and amazed that a grown man with 4 kids can be so irresponsible and not put their well being first. Okay, so maybe it's a quarter life crisis but snap out of it already. We don't have time for this.

Yeah, I'm just not feeling the love today. It's hard to feel loving towards someone you have very little respect for as a person.

[buenosuerte]

don't worry about venting, we all have been there. as far as the finacial area, i've been in the same boat and still am rate there with you. good news is you have conversations or contact with yours, mine seems to do the drive by, sends friends over with diapers 1 time and leaving voice msgs on my phone of our song.

maybe when he's there next, just sit down and say i know you love the kids and want what is best for them, we need to get a few logistical things taken care of, word it how you feel would be best - this was a suggestion from my coach months ago. it went well but my h fell through on the follow through. try to get something set up automatically without bringing the courts into effect. u say allotment oh yes military wife, talk to the chaplan and red cross and if it is even worse you can pull some strings not recommened to talk to his is 1SG, one thing the military takes seriously is a soldiers obligation to children and family money wise. I was in army for 14 years. u may even be able to change his allotments -baq and such to come to an account for you, it's worth looking into but these are things for SURVIVAL mode only.

[lovnlrn]

He had stopped the allotment when he was in one of his dark, pity party moods. I gave him several opportunities to recant and he wouldn't so I went to his chain of command. According to AR608-99, he doesn't have to give me a dime while I'm living in govt housing. I said, "you mean you can allow an NCO to not feed his family and get away with it?? WTF?! So I went to victim advocacy and legal, caused a fuss and they (command) had a talk with him (probably, "do what you can to shut her up"). I don't want to move out of the house until school is out. Then I understand I get the BAH diff and formal child support, etc.

So technically, he can get away with it but MORALLY and ETHICALLY? I just don't get it. He says that he has so little money to begin with and can't spare to run two households. Oh really? Well, ya should've thought of that before you decided to run around and abandon your family. I always told him (when he'd threaten to leave) that he better think long and hard about it because it was much cheaper to keep me than to get rid of me. I have a close friend who is a SGT MJR and he would love the opportunity to rip my husband's stripes right off of his uniform because he can't believe that an NCO can behave this way towards his family. Speaks volumes about his integrity (or lack thereof)

What I think he's been trying to do is smoke me out and force me to go to work because he knows I qualify for spousal support (alimony). But if I start working, I don't. Our youngest is special needs and shouldn't be in daycare. Not to mention that the money I made would primarily go to daycare and after school care and very little would actually affect the budget. He knows my passion about being an available, stay at home mom.

[MichelleLT]

While anything is possible just keep in mind there is a lot of anger and frustration on both sides.

You need to focus on two things: taking care of yourself and the kids; and reducing the negative emotions.

The first you have a clear handle on. You obviously can stand up for yourself and have few problems asking for what you want/need.

The second - keep talking limited, don't initiate contact very much, work on keeping/getting a positive mental attitude on your part. Give him time to sort through his thoughts and emotions and miss you and his family. If he does come up this weekend, be the person he misses (as much as possible be nice, happy, fun, jokey - the things he remembers from when you were dating / newlyweds that drew him to you).

As an exercise, what do you think those qualities were? And if you think you still have them, why do you think he might not appreciate them as much? If you don't, what could you do to find yourself again?

[lovnlrn]

Hm, I'll have to think about those questions. I really don't know.

In all seriousness, though, I know the biggest thing he misses about me is the sex. Not just sex in general, but sex with ME. He has said so. He has had some very favorable things to say about that area.

But I do have to work on my PMA whenever I have contact with him. I just have so much resentment in me in regard to other women and his history with them. Not just that but the foolish things he has done with the money that has made me/our family suffer <deep sigh> I will definitely focus on redirecting the negative energy into something positive and productive. It's only 2 days, right? I can do this for 2 days. lol

Plus, this celebration will be packed with emotion in general. The baby and I almost died in the operating room. A few hours after he was born, he was medivacced to Duke. I didn't get to hold him for 2 weeks. He had sepsis in his lungs and they were filled with fluid. Hour by hour, they didn't expect him to live. They said that he had his general health and his weight in his favor (he was 9 lbs, 7 oz even though he was 2 wks early). He spent the first month of his life, fighting for his life in the NICU. Seven days after he was born, I was rushed back to the hospital with a pulmonary embolism and cardiomyopathy and spent the week in the cardiac unit. My husband (who would've been deployed at the time if he hadn't injured his back) went back and forth between hospitals (2 hrs apart) and taking care of the other 3 kids (with the help of our mothers and my sister who had come down to help him). I'm a big breastfeeding advocate so I would pump my milk, freeze it and then he would drive it up there. He'd spend hours there by the baby's side. After we brought the baby home, he was still weak (and so was I) so the summer was hard for our family. I take being a "domestic engineer" very seriously so it was rough for me (and them) to be out of commission for the most part. My clot didn't go away until some time in November. Until then I had to take 2 different blood thinners (one was a shot I had to give myself) and be very careful about my diet. The baby had an adrenal insufficiency and had to take 2 medicines every day. He had trouble eating because of the intubator he had had in the hospital. We had to drive back and forth to Duke a few times because of the specialists.

So, this celebration will be one of celebrating God's miracles and remembering what He's done for this family. May 7, I will celebrate one year of survival since I got the clot. Ironically, that is our wedding anniversary. Sadly, though, we had been fighting a lot around the time the baby was born. In fact, the morning I went into labor (they had to do an emergency c-section), we had had a BIG fight because it was pay day and I had discovered (when I went to pay the bills) that he had redirected his paycheck to an account that I didn't even know about or have access to. He allotted $400 to our joint account for me to buy groceries and gas for the month. I was hysterical. It made me feel so insecure. Here I'm about to deliver a baby and it looked like he was setting things up to leave me. I left the house and while I was driving around, I went into labor. He kept calling me on the cell phone and I would just answer, scream at him and hang up. It was horrible.