How does it help to pretend that both parents are equal partners in desiring the divorce? So that kids can lose trust in both their parents?
We are, in effect, saying:
"Mom and Dad can't get along anymore (partially true, but misleading/it suggests equal responsibilty.)
"We worked at it (not true).
"We aren't going to live together anymore (true).
"None of this is your fault (true)."
It's leaving a lot out, it's, in my opinion, unfairly glossing over the WAS's red-hot pursuit of the divorce.
*****
It's fine to say that the WAS still loves them. But what's wrong with saying, "WAS isn't happy anymore and is leaving me. They are having an affair. I still love WAS, and so should you, but I think what they are doing is wrong. We can still love people who make terrible mistakes."
Theoden
Well, at least in my case obviously the kids are aware it's Dad that wants out and not me. I cried for about a month when I found out all that stuff! So the kids know. And I think H has told them he doesn't love me anymore as that is what my D8 says when asked about it all "Dad doesn't love Mommy anymore". I've read here that they think at about 14 or so you can tell them about the affair, but of course my H was very open about it so even my D8 is very aware which I think she is too young!!!
On my C's advice I have talked to them about how it isn't their fault (which they do realize since their Dad is so obviously crazy lately) and the moral implications: most dads don't have girlfriends and I hope they will not do that when they grow up.
I do believe how the parents act will strongly affect our children in the future. I mean my dad was a total caretaker type and I turned out to be a caretaker focused on my kids (trying to work on that though) and my H has followed the path of his parents: divorcing after 18 years, his mom had an affair or affairs and he is having one. We both are kind of repeating the pattern we saw when we were kids.
I have to hope that my kids will follow my role model instead of their dad's and see that I am happier and doing the right thing, being a good parent, etc. But maybe they won't which is sad!
