I just wanted to stop by offer any encouragement that I can. I haven't read much yet in your threads but have bookmarked them to do so!
I have seen your posts on other threads and was SO appreciative of your stopping by to offer encouragement as you always seem to have good thoughts! The court date thing had me almost out of my mind last week!!!!
I think he is going to postpone but won't know for sure till Monday.
So again thank you so much!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You're very welcome. I thought about you over the weekend, knowing full well what you must be going through.
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For myself, I had a very difficult weekend. Last week after my meltdown on Monday, I spent the next three days being the perfect DBer. My H had noticed too and seemed to respond positively.
Then on the morning of the 4th, my H sat me down and told me that he was moving into our other house and that he would only be able to give me two days a week of his time.
He said that he really liked how relaxed and easy I was to be around of late and that it made him feel good. However, he noticed himself starting to turn inside as he felt himself giving in and that he would explode if he once again failed to stand firm and do what he had set out to do.
He also said something about not having the confidence that the changes he's been seeing will last.
He had gotten himself a jade ring while he was in Alaska and up until then he had not shown me the matching ring he had gotten for me as well. He handed my ring over and said that it was a token to go with his promise to be faithful and exclusive to me and that he hoped that I would be faithful and exclusive to him as well.
He said that he wants to work on himself and that he needs to stop feeling trapped.
I had a terrible time dealing with the reality of the situation, felt like I was living in slow motion. But I eventually did what I knew I had to and told him that he was right, I agreed and that he should leave.
I could see him melt with relief and felt the flood gates of his pent up anguish open.
I also warned him that I would go through a whole gamut of emotions over the weekend and to bare with me.
He said that he is going to work on being a better H and that I might be pleasantly surprised by the changes.
It appears that he can't accomplish this while living here with me.
He said that he feels a little more hopeful than he used to, about getting to the place where he will want to live with me and stay in the marriage. I asked him how badly did he want to succeed in making this all work in favor of our marriage. He replied "very badly".
He took some of his personal belongings and our two four-legged kids with him Sunday at 5pm and drove off. It was a very painful moment for me as I stood watching my little family going away.
Except for the usual disruptions from my Mom and her H, I suddenly found myself in a big house all alone with only the sound of my own heart pounding against my chest.
We will be sharing our dogs.
I don't know how long this arrangement will last nor what the final outcome will be and neither does my H.
I do know that I'm in for a tough time. My fear of abandonment has been rubbed hard and a blister has formed.
Hi Jeannine,those personal inner demons we all face are nasty aren't they? But thanks to dbing and this BB we have the tools we need to get past these times. I'm learning to get past mine as well (finally realized that their my problem)I used to lash out at my W when I felt hurt,angry, ect. I can relate to your H not wanting to cave, my W I sense has similiar feelings and it's important to me that if she stays or goes it's her decision , then I know it's real! Take care C.
Jeannine, Your H is making progress. As you are aware, he's got alot of his own issues to deal with, and I think he's finding the strength to deal with them. You've really both have come along way. When I started reading your posts, you were physically ill over the thought of your H's betrayal and departure, and he thought his solution for his personal demons was a gun. Now you are strong enough to let him go and he is where he can face the issues inside. Give him more support, patience, and time. It will work out in the end, I am sure.
My H has put my picture back on his workbench, said it's been there now for a couple of weeks. Also, he has agreed to wear his wedding ring to work as often as possible. For the most part he cannot wear it while working because it could get damaged. (He is a dental technician)
The OW has yet to be moved to another department but he says he purposely avoids looking in her direction and has no contact with her other than work related issues. He said her friends dislike him now because of what he has done (dumped her) and that he is no longer invited to their social events. He says he doesn't care, that it no longer matters.
I told him that I understand if he is still pining for her, to which he answered emphatically, "I do not pine for her, I pine for you". (Being that he left me, I would guess that he doesn't fully understand the meaning of "pining").
He also informed me that she had asked for her Polish dictionary back and he has since obliged. I asked him about the two bottles of Polish vodka that she had given him and he said that he would not be drinking them but will instead bring them over here to put in our liquor cabinet. He really seems to no longer place any value on what she gave him.
I lent him a mug that has me and my dear departed cat's picture glazed on it, to be used while he is living at the other house, and I asked him if he liked it as much as the two mugs she had given him (which he had angrily smashed to pieces about a month ago because they were upsetting me). He replied that he liked it MUCH more.
Anyway, I am confident that the OW is no longer a concern.
I suppose the only way I can truly having my H back, will be by opening my hand and letting him go. I desperately hope that he will fly back to me.
You just have to be brave and grin and bear it. You have no control over him. It sounds like he is respectful of you and thinks of you kindly. It is good that the OW is out of the picture, maybe your H will use this time to really THINK. My H has been saying he needs his space, but has been spending all of his space with OW. He is horrible and nasty to me.
Use this time to take care of yourself. Stay busy.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have no social network outside of the bb and I deeply appreciate each and every one the people here. I really don't know what I would do without you all.
"I can relate to your H not wanting to cave"
I was hoping to hear from a man's perspective on this very issue. I think that he has felt for too long that he has been giving into me, bending to my will in a way.
We had a long discussion on Saturday night about his tendency to cave in to what I want in certain areas. He now realizes that over these past years, it was his choice not to speak up. He chose not to have dialogue and work toward consensus, rather instead he would immediately give up and become bitter and take the attitude that I wasn't allowing him to have an opinion even though I often requested it. We discussed how his mother had been a dictator in his formative years and how that has impacted his ability to take responsiblity for his part of what should be a shared process. I really think that we have made a breakthrough in that respect.
"it's important to me that if she stays or goes it's her decision "
Yes, I know what you mean. Saturday night as we were lying in bed, I was having a rather difficult time with my usual batch of fears, when suddenly my H said "I'm not leaving". I told him that if he was changing his mind because of the pain I was experiencing, that he should stick with going. I reminded him that I had agreed to his leaving and that unless he was now choosing to stay because the plan no longer made sense to him or because he simply did not want to, I felt that he should proceed as planned. I said that I would love to have him stay, but not for the purpose of appeasing me and that ultimately he would resent me for it and that would not make me happy either. I asked him if he still felt strongly about leaving and he said "yes".
Well Kelli, it would appear that you and I now have another thing in common. The fourth of July bomb!
"Give him more support, patience, and time."
The patience and time thing is going to be tough, but what other choice do I have, right?
"It will work out in the end, I am sure."
I really hope you are right.
I asked him if he thought I should just give up or if he wanted me to wait, he said that he didn't think I ought to give up, that I should wait. Even still, it feels like he is more out than in.
How very nice of you to pay me a visit. I've been peeking in on your situation for some time and know that you are having your share of anguish too.
My H was mean and nasty also during the time that he was steeped in his A. It took a lot of time, misery and hardcore DBing on my part to earn back the respect and kindness he is presently displaying. My H put on a good show before he actually broke it off with OW. You know the drill, lies, lying about not lying, being nice just enough to throw you off the scent. He had me hogwoggled for sure. I actually thought that we were finally about to pull our boots out from the cesspool.
But even so, there was always the sense that something was brewing underneath that progress we seemed to be making.
And now that "something" has erupted.
H just called on his lunchbreak. This was the first contact after our first night apart. He sounded perfectly okay. I was hoping for a little tenderness and something soothing from him, maybe even a little bit of sadness in his voice. But nope, just business as usual. I could feel myself shrinking inside and was tenative throughout our brief conversation. I feel like I'm on a tight rope. A gust of wind, an arm out of place, and whap! I meet the pavement.
