peace, When I first started getting off the boards more, it did help to detach. It's hard to say - I still feel a strong connection here even though it's only you, Upside and OC that usually respond and that I communicate with. But I feel like I know so many of the other oldtimers on here, just from reading their stories and keeping up with their sitches. I guess I feel like I still belong here. It's always comforting to come back.
On the other hand, when I am able to pull myself away and then come back to read/lurk/check-up on people, I find that the majority of the sitches are the same or have gotten worse. There are less than a handful of posters on here whose spouses have returned. Then there are those who do return, only to leave again. Doesn't do much for keeping my hope alive. I sometimes compare it to American Idol and think that every week, someone's gotta leave the show and wonder when it's going to be my turn. Am I just postponing the inevitable? Am I one of the strong ones who will make it through or am I only kidding myself?
I have to admit that seeing posters report the same things week after week, searching for signs, trying to read in to their S's behavior has helped me look at my own sitch objectively - I see that week after week, my sitch really hasn't changed, which is why I don't update as often. If, however, you look at my sitch in blocks of about 6 months, only then can you see some minor changes. Still, they mean very little at this point. And I suppose I won't know what it all means until the end (although it never really does end), when I'm able to connect all the dots.
I'm thankful because I know my sitch could be so much worse. I have my boys and that's what counts most to me. H and I are civil and possibly rebuilding a (distant) friendship. If that's all H is capable of at the moment, it's better than nothing. I don't want to continue like this indefinitely, but it's bearable for now. I'm ready for a D, but also curious to see where this will lead. But when the time comes when I want to file, I'm going to tell my MIL to please not ask me to be patient and wait any longer because I want to keep moving forward. I might be living my life now, but without getting the D, that part of my life will be stuck.
Here's a little meaningless update that I'm trying not to read in to: For the first time today, me and the boys all went to H's office together because I needed his signature. When we were done, I thanked him, didn't linger and started to leave. He stalled us for a while and then showed me his new coffee machine and made me try a cup, which of course kept us there longer. Strange behavior, for someone who always seems to be in a hurry to get away from me.
See - I'm guilty of it too: more of the same! And one of the dangers of not posting often is that you end up with superlong posts that bore people to tears...
