I have been thinking about this since you brought it up. At this point in time, and now that I know all I do(mostly about me)I can't ever see letting anyone (even someone I love) putting me through that. I think this time I would be the one running rather than to put up with that kind of behavior.
When I go back in my mind to that point in time we are different people. Not much more than a shell of ourselves because we have no idea what's happening, so we say and do a lot of things that looking back now seem incredible. Although I didn't have to put up with that, I can understand how someone might think that they have no other choice. Most of us are just not strong enough to fight back at that point.
Believe me I can understand your amazement, but you are a survivor and they have yet to walk through the fire.
I think some of those who do allow it / or accept it/ put up with it will tell you its because their spouse is having a MLC.and its different rules!!! or no rules. It never happened to me and I know or think I know I would never have allowed it BUT I guess we have to walk a mile in their shoes to really know. Many years ago I did know of a woman who shared her husband with another lady she had the week other lady had week ends! it continued for about 20 years and it never bothered her until he came to retire and she confided to my mother she was worried he would leave her to be with Mrs week-end. No he continued as before until he died. They both had kids by him and he actually left the home to the children of Mrs week end who was not his legal wife. I am still amazed by this.
Beth, I know you're right. When it happens, you really wouldn't know what to do.
Maybe it's just my mistaken impression, but it's my feeling that women that immediately and definitively kick their husband to the curb as soon as they find out about the affair, have their husbands crawling back begging and pleading.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
In retrospect, I think you're right. I don't know that you've read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, in it he absolutely stresses that that is the only way to get a marriage back on track and the sooner the better. Unfortunately by the time I read it I had been separated for over 6 months and pretty much had left the door open inspite of all of the crap husband handed to me and all of his bad actions. Dobson's thinking is that when you go along, cry and beg, the WAW loses whatever respect they have for us. Especially if they are reliving or trying to recapture what they think they missed out on. They look at us like we are an obstacle in their way and they resent us for it.
Makes sense to me especially now that I can see it for what it was.
I see the thread about "what every newcomer should know has locked". It looked like there was an interesting argument going on.
I wanted to add a few cents to that, but couldn't since it was locked. To Rob, I have looked at the piecing thread. I think that occasionally people move to "piecing", when they are far from out of the woods, so I wouldn't take those numbers as proof of success.
My opinion, and since it's my thread I can express it, is that there are some pluses as far as growth through this process, but it also leads to some negatives...that eventually you also have to work through. One negative is taking the blame for everything bad that occurred in the marriage. You weren't the monster you were painted. It isn't necessarily true that all you have to do is fix yourself and everything will be rosy. While the WAS probably does have some legitimate gripes, they have problems of their own, sometimes major ones, and these may rear their ugly head despite your best efforts. Hope can be a good thing, but also a negative. Too much hope leads to expectations that your spouse is going to do something you want. It leads to looking too hard at every little thing as a sign of positivity. I sometimes felt that this site actually stood in the way of moving forward. I think there may be more successes with this site than with not doing it, but I wonder how much of that is simply the act of stretching it out long enough for your spouse to come around. Just idle musing.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
It is interesting b/c when I worked with Michele - the question of whether my M was a go or no go was resolved in three months.
I found this BB shortly before I found Michele and was a little taken aback at the amount of time that people spend trying to save their M.
I know the rule of thumb for MC is to commit six sessions. At the end of that time, you have a pretty good handle on whether there is going to be a meeting of the minds or not.
I think if you spend too much time trying to save your M, it consumes you and makes it harder to move on when you do finally let go.
I think if you spend too much time trying to save your M, it consumes you and makes it harder to move on when you do finally let go.
There is probably a fine line between standing for your marriage, and pathologically holding on at the expense of yourself. I know that we should be "moving forward" regardless of the WAS, but isn't that really just wishful thinking that the LBS has truly "let go" and will be fine either way?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
There are definite differences in scenarios here. It's very different when a spouse moves out and leaves the left behind hanging, living separately, but not willing to go the extra mile to file for divorce, that in itself can only breed some hope. In this case, you're so busy changing for the other person, that the changing for GAL isn't even given a thought.
Maybe it should be very different for a marriage that was wrought with conflict and a spouse that makes no bones about the fact that the only resolution for them is divorce, and actually files. That in itself should send the message loud and clear. Obviously even there some LBS don't "get it". Heck, years go by and some of them still don't get it.
