WDID - thank you so much for your insight, I am sure it has been painful to open up so sincerely. I wish my W wasn't living this dream you described, but she is - the beginning of a love story is always intoxicating - it was intoxicating for us when WE started, what wonderful years....
Haven't spoken to WW all day accept for this morning when I left. I tried to call her earlier to ask if nephew had a ride to work. She called back a couple of hours later, but I had a client. I'm at home and on the board here and she calls and we are talking about what to make for dinner. She sounds tired. I told her we'll have easy night instead of the Tortilla soup she had planned on making. We talk about her last client, the old man with the Power of Attorney issues. We are chatting. I tell her about the movies I picked up. She tells me she has a headache and had taken a couple of ibuprofen. She tells me she hasn't taken her meds in a couple of days. She forgot. WW is on about 6 different meds since her stroke last year. One of them is a strong antideppresant. She tells me she is leaving right now and will be home soon. I tell her to be careful out there.
She has no idea how much I want her to be "home". Starting to feel very meloncholy. I hate feeling this way. Strong until we talk. Our normalcy is painful.
I was a lineman in high school. Played Rugby in my college years. I am a big man, but a teddy bear. A banker, but not a wimp by any means. My favorite saying is "Don't mistake my kindness as weakness."
She brings me to my knees.
Last edited by hopeful4her; 04/28/0811:20 PM.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
She saying she has a headache could be a good thing. The 6 months prior to confessing to H about OM and wanting to work on our marriage I had headaches constantly. It was the guilt and knowing what I wanted and realizing how stupid I have been. I became depressed with the realization. As awful as it has been the past few weeks, I have had not ONE headache.
She was starting to get migraines a few weeks before her stroke. Never had them prior. I know that our sitch played a part in her stroke, among other things. She has been given a second chance. Sometimes the headaches worry me.
I know what her guilt does to her.
It's her stubborness.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Yes, it is her stubborness and her feelins of hopelessness. But, she deep down knows what she really wants. You just keep showing her that it is not too late. She may feel like she has to continue the path she is on to justify it. Help her see how life with you is as great as it gets, you are not the same man, and when she comes back you will be there to work on it together not blame her for her stupidity.
WDID - I have a question - HOW can we guys show we love our W without pursuing or putting pressure - what did work for you? Should we tell them we love them... once in a while?.... or that we CARE about them.... or just tell them that if they change their mind the door is open? Or make small nice gestures?, give her small presents? Cast some light.
rop, I think it all has to do with us GALing and having them see the changes in us are not temporary. We need to show them how exciting and interesting we really are. That life will indeed be different and better than before.
In her post, she had mentioned the things that she was getting from OM that she was craving. The things he was telling her. But at the same time, she says to say these things to WW. I tried this, and it backfired. I became smothering. I don't think she wanted to hear these things from me. Maybe I over did it. Not sure.
What do you think, WDID? All sorts of things I would like to tell WW but don't. It looks like it comes off as pursuing.
I need to do the things to GAL. I haven't done enough.
Last night went well enough. I fixed dinner and when WW got home (at the time I expected her to) we closed off the kitchen and let the puppies out. WW, myself, S14, D11 and D6 were having a blast playing with them and having fun. While we were all in the kitchen, I finished dishes and was snacking on some chips and dip. I stuck a chip into the dip and offered to WW a couple of times and she ate them. We ate dinner in the living and watched a family movie together. After kids in bed, outside for a smoke and ask her about her day. She tells me little bit. Head to bed a little early.
This morning, I offer lunch. She thinks for a minute and declines. RRR. Maybe she is having lunch with OM today or maybe she had lunch with him yesterday, as she left her lunch bag at work. After kids get on bus, we finish getting ready. I go to room to tell her goodbye and have a great day. She looks at me direct and tells me goodbye. I didn't like the look. A little distant. I call her while on the road to have her check the secret spot for the spare key for the kids to get to.
I was thinking of giving her a hug this morning, but didn't. I was thinking a peck on the check, but didn't. I wanted to tell her that she looked sexy in my t-shirt this morning. Too soon I think. I end up calling her again before I get to work. After I call, I'm thinking, Ok, now I look like I'm pursueing. I say hi and she says yes. Not hi or hey. Yes. Now she seems bothered. I talk about how tired I am. Ask her how she slept. She says good. Not good conversation. I shouldn't have called. Oh, well. Maybe a set back. I'll recover. I'm giving too much. Maybe too nice. I'll back off a bit.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
rop- I think every situation is different and every wife is different. You know your wife more than anyone and will know what is working and what isn't. It also depends on timing. I know at the beginning of the first A I was at that point sooo Mad that It wouldn't matter what H said. He didn't meet my needs, I felt I tried everything, and I was angry. Anything he did felt fake. I thought to myself, you didn't do this for 10 years why should I believe you now. The OM did everything naturally I thought. The OM was my "soulmate" and H was the one that "had no clue" about me and how to understand me, make me happy, etc.
I wouldn't leave my H for the OM and even told the OM that I was going to try to work on it with H. I came back to H in my mind, OM moved back to his hometown. H never knew I had A at this point, I had withdrawals bad, sat on couch all day, sad all day, slept as much as possible, etc. During this time, H just looked sad/victimized....pissed me off!!!!!! That was when he should have done something....any of the things I had told him I needed...any of them!!!! Sooooo....found another OM and started new relationship. During this time I was getting needs met by OM, and basically just waiting for H to do something. WHen I finally saw that he was going to do something ....get counseling for himself for the things he coudln't seem to show/give me, when he started doing any of the things....that's when I backed off the OM. I also started to realize that even though I felt better with OM, I didn't want my life with OM. I had to do this part on my own.
what h4h said is correct. You have to show how great you are and how you are changed. How you realize that she is right...the marriage was lacking in things and how you have changed those things and are better and it it isn't temporary. Saying the things to WW was maybe too early. Like I said, at first I got mad at anything H said to me....you will know when to start doing them. She isn't ready to have you pursue it looks like, the anger on the phone tells you this. I remember being this way to H. I was pissed whenever he called. He would say hi and then not say anything else, just sit there. I remember thinking wth you want. Anger.
Focus on the whole 180 and being happy. That is attractive to us. She will not like the whole puppy dog look or the "victim" look. That just pisses us off. Be with kids and happy and show the changes over and over and over and over.
She was starting to get migraines a few weeks before her stroke. Never had them prior.
H4H I think your wife is obviously stressed & unhappy! For the past year or two (when my H was having an EA and then PA and acting horrible at home) I had the worse migraines. I used to have like one a month and I started having them almost every day during the past year or two and had to go on about 3 meds for them. After my H moved out they have gone back to about 1 a month & I have stopped taking all the preventative & other migraine meds (because my major stressor is gone I think). Karen
Karen