Only in my own mind. But thank you for the compliment!
"Accept him for now- smile have sex, touch alot, dont quiz him. If he talks, nod and listen."
The following day I resolved to do these very things, even wrote him a letter (which I mentioned in a previous post to Kelli).
I guess my mind processed what I had written to H on Tuesday, because later I had what seemed like a shift of perspective. It lasted only a minute or so, but I suddenly found myself looking at me through my H's eyes. It was vivid and jarring.
It has been a pesky conundrum for me up to this point that my H is so intensely attracted to me on a sexual level, but seems unable to handle our day to day existance together in a relative state of comfort.
I'm not blaming myself in full for that, because my H has some real issues of his own. However, I think I see a little bit better where the divide began and how I continue to push him away.
My life long partner and big, bad, royal pain in the a*s is my issue with Mr. Abandonment . That's who I've really been married to all these years. I have bent to his will and have been his puppet.
I am not even close to facing this "Goliath", but I know he's around and lurking and I want a divorce!
This time it was with something that came in the mail.
An invitation of some sort arrived today from a couple that we've known for a long time. I didn't open it because it was address to my H's name and GUEST.
Normally, they would have addressed it to the both of us and considering that they know that I live at the same address as my H, it felt like a hard slap in the face.
How far has he taken this?
I keep hearing him say to me "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU!" and seeing his face glaring at me.
I've also noticed that his sister in Alaska does not send email to "us" anymore, just to him.
My feelings are so hurt, I feel nauseous.
I don't know how to handle this and I'm wondering if I'm just foolishly fighting a losing battle.
Jeannine -- You mentioned that h. has spoken candidly with his sister...are you assuming that he's also discussed your m. sitch with these friends?
Even so, I find it bizarre that they would send an invite that way as some sort of message...cripes ... why not just address it to him? weird. It's actually SO weird that I'm wondering if you're not reading into the sitch...is that possible?
Hon, I don't think it's time to throw in the towel -- heck, both you and h. are currently USING the towel to dry off, refresh, rebound from your conversation of the other night...that's ok, too.
Can you let the invitation go? Not bring it up? That would be my recommendation. When he sees it, if it is a byproduct of a conversation he had with them, well, he'll see the hurt he's caused w/o any mention from you.
Just my two simple cents but is it possible for you to just regroup right now? Take care of yourself? Go to a movie, sit out in the sun, have a pedicure? I'm NOT trying to trivialize the crappiness of what you are going through right this minute...just thinking that sometimes when you don't know what to do...doing nothing directly involved in the sitch may be the right course. There's time for the R. talk another day...
do you know what I mean?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I really appreciate your kind words for me on my thread. I thought I'd come over and check out yours. I followed the links back in time and read up on your situation from the beginning up to the current stuff. It's amazing to me that even while going through such tough times you are able to offer so many others so much support.
One of the reasons I don't post to others more often is that I often feel that I don't have much to contribute or suggest. I'm a man, and an engineer to boot, so I want to problem solve. Only our problems are not so easily defined, let alone solved, are they?
One suggestion I do have is to go back and reread your posts. After all, that's one of the main reasons we do this - to record for ourselves what worked and what didn't, what emotions and feelings were valid, and which ones turned out not to be, and to record the changes in ourselves and our S's. As I read your thread, what seemed to work well for you in the past was loving detachment (but combined with still being very available, physically).
My heart goes out to you, to have to deal with what might seem like a big relapse (or whatever it is your H is experiencing). I do find it very interesting and very encouraging that he is so attracted to you sexually. That's a powerful connection. Also, the fact that he wants to start over seems very hopeful, obviously.
I dont think that it is time to throw in the towel. You need to regroup get your second wind. Come out of your corner ready for a fight. Use the jab and stick to a game plan.
I really think you should start doing for you and kind of let things just go with your H. What I mean by that is be nice but to detach lovingly. I think that would help a lot.
"You mentioned that h. has spoken candidly with his sister...are you assuming that he's also discussed your m. sitch with these friends? "
I know that my H confides in his buddy of many years, so yes, I'm quite sure of it. That in itself I can understand, what I can't understand is how this couple could think that it was okay for them to invite only him and GUEST when they know full well that we are still married and living together. Was my H's case against this M so compelling that they had no other choice? Or are they just being insensitive. Maybe a little of both?
"if it is a byproduct of a conversation he had with them, well, he'll see the hurt he's caused w/o any mention from you."
Good question. Will he SEE the hurt he's caused me? I want to hide my sadness from him as much as possible now, my sadness is one of the things that makes him uncomfortable around me. Is it possible for him to know that this is another spike in my chest if I'm carrying on "as if" and don't mention it. Or is there a time and a way to present it to him without causing a backlash.
I'm open to your suggestion.
Perhaps I can at least give him time to bring up the invitation and see what he has to say first.
Gads, I don't know.
I do know though, that I'm not going to do anything that can be interpreted as jumping all over him.
"just thinking that sometimes when you don't know what to do...doing nothing directly involved in the sitch may be the right course." do you know what I mean?
"I followed the links back in time and read up on your situation from the beginning up to the current stuff."
Wow, you actually read my entire history? I'm impressed. But then again, you are an engineer and are used to being thorough.
"One of the reasons I don't post to others more often is that I often feel that I don't have much to contribute or suggest. I'm a man, and an engineer to boot, so I want to problem solve."
1. Just your very presence and support is a welcomed contribution. 2. That you are a man is important because you can contribute a man's point of view and give balance to the conversation. 3. That you are an engineer and used to analysis and problem solving is an asset added to the mix.
"what seemed to work well for you in the past was loving detachment (but combined with still being very available, physically)."
I'll join the "hang on to that towel!" gang. What you MUST keep in mind right now is that right now your emotions are like skin that's been dragged behind a motorcycle doing 90 on a gravel road...any little thing is going to HURT!!!
The WORST thing I can imagine about the invite is this: They'd somehow heard there might be trouble with you and H and just didn't KNOW what was going on...agonized over it? Should they put both names? What if you'd separated? How awkward?
So they compromised with his name and "Guest"...thinking if you ARE Still together, you're covered!
You wanna hear something funny? I just went and grabbed an invite from one of CJ's cousins (who I don't know all that well) and it was Adressed to CJ and guest!!! I opened the bloody thing and never even noticed it!
Here's an even more benign interpretation: They just wrote "Everyone & Guest" to save on looking up names and save on ink.
Whatever, let this one roll for now. JHO of course!
However if you CAN'T let it roll, meaning your H will sense "something's wrong", perhaps you can tell him in a nonaccusatory manner how seeing the invite worded like that just set you back for a bit.
Shiney, you get the "Made Me Laugh" award today with "What you MUST keep in mind right now is that right now your emotions are like skin that's been dragged behind a motorcycle doing 90 on a gravel road...any little thing is going to HURT!!!" It's humorously correct.
"You wanna hear something funny? I just went and grabbed an invite from one of CJ's cousins (who I don't know all that well) and it was Adressed to CJ and guest!!! I opened the bloody thing and never even noticed it!"
How uncanny.
"I'll join the "hang on to that towel!" gang. "
Thanks.
I wonder if anybody else around this bb has had their spouse declare that they did NOT want to live with them, after coming this far. Humph... And more importantly, if so, did they pull through and succeed on making their M work. If you know of anybody who has a thread like that, please let me know. I feel pretty alone in that respect.
But thank you for the compliment!
