Please help me on this one. This discussion is very interesting.
I hear alot about not demonizing the other parent.
I also realize it's important the kids know it's not their fault.
I understand that there's alot riding regarding trust.
Is there a place, however, for simply telling the truth?
Divorce is proven to hurt the children, all the studies show it. They will have difficulty making commitments as adults. Their sense of security is being challenged. In our situations, most of us don't want the divorce and have been working hard at improving ourselves, re-attracting our spouses and seeking a stable home for our kids. It's our spouses who don't want that. In most of these cases they are having affairs and want out of the marriage. Our spouses are quite content to inflict this on our children so they can puruse their personal bliss. They have, indeed, violated the trust of our children and our trust as well. They aren't simply cheating, they are breaking up a family.
How does it help to pretend that both parents are equal partners in desiring the divorce? So that kids can lose trust in both their parents?
We are, in effect, saying:
"Mom and Dad can't get along anymore (partially true, but misleading/it suggests equal responsibilty.)
"We worked at it (not true).
"We aren't going to live together anymore (true).
"None of this is your fault (true)."
It's leaving a lot out, it's, in my opinion, unfairly glossing over the WAS's red-hot pursuit of the divorce.
What about the moral universe of the children? Do we rip it to shreds in order to protect the WAS? My kids were raised in a religious home. There are things we told them about marriage, sexuality, adultery and divorce. We have give them moral absolutes. I personally can't look my kids in the eye and tell them, "Mom and Dad just can't get along.". I am modeling to them that it is acceptable for two adults with children to punt their marriage and that I am breaking my marriage vow, when, in fact, I'm not.
I just don't think I can raise my kids in an "I'm OK, you're OK, divorce is OK, everythings's OK" world.
Karen, in your situation, it's kind of obvious. There's nothing to hide: your husband has a girlfriend, is leaving you and wants to end the marriage. How can the kids not see that? Are we supposed to pretend it's OK?
It's fine to say that the WAS still loves them. But what's wrong with saying, "WAS isn't happy anymore and is leaving me. They are having an affair. I still love WAS, and so should you, but I think what they are doing is wrong. We can still love people who make terrible mistakes."
Olive, what do you plan to tell your daughter about her Stepmom and her Dad when she's old enough to understand the 10 commandments?
