Honey. I am sending you warm, loving thoughts and hugs. A shoulder to cry on. As much comfort as I can. I am sorry for the pain that you are in right now. I know it well. (You know that).
I don't see endings. I see beginnings. I think you belong in "Piecing" more than any other place right now.
You and h, well, as brutal and painful and unnerving and naked as it probably felt...there may be a gift or two in there for each of you. Not to capitalize on your pain or effort but there was a gift or two in there for me, too.
How do we get there? To that place where just letting them love us (when we feel so unloveable?? or is that just me?) is the right thing, perhaps the only thing that makes it right for them.
Is the universe perverse in putting together two people (make that four) -- someone who questions their ability to love and someone who questions their ability to be loved? Maybe the universe is just whip-smart. I see a path for you. It's bumpy and will require you to forge ahead without a map but you've got your machete, right? Hack away, my friend.
I love, love, love that your h. suggested a new start for you.
Quoting Jeannine: I pressed him to tell me what I did specifically and he made mention of my over-powering him.
He spoke of my sadness, my not trusting him and his feeling like he is just a wee little man. He even admitted that he might be projecting these things on to me, but that that is how he feels.
He told me that because I'm always trying to get love from him, he can never give love to me.
Now here is where I wish I could remember exactly the words my H used because it was highly significant. He said something to the affect that maybe we needed to end our relationship and try coming together fresh. That maybe that was the place to start.
I don't repeat these things to hurt you...but to reinforce what h is telling you. You know where you need to go with this.
Quote:
I repeated "for the most part?" he wobbled for a little while longer and then said that he didn't know what to say, that he was very tired. He then left for work.
Let him come to you, Jeannine. Love him with all your heart. Love yourself.
Before I read your post this AM I was thinking of a response to your post of last night...when you were talking about feeling insecure re. h's actions and the ghost of the OW. What I was going to say was this:
Try not to make the drive to fears about the OW. You know I know the road well. And, what I'm finding is that once you drive down it a few times, the car goes on autopilot everytime an anxiety hits. You'll hop in the car and drive down the same road again and again and you'll end up at the same old spot.
I think it's time for you to try something new. I think it's gonna be scary as hell. I know I need a new route, a new path. What if we travelled our roads separately ('cause we must) but we helped each other along?
I think you guys are gonna be ok. I really do.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
What a night! Alot got put out into the open, and now you both need some time to deal with it. You and I share a common trait - we let our minds run wild with the "what if's". That's a killer. You know your H has alot of personal baggage to deal with, and he's most likely projecting alot of that on you right now. In my opinion, that's what you are seeing now. He's learning that the OW is not the answer, so he's got to look a little deeper.
What a night for you. Oh, God I remember them soooo well. The emotions flying, the words cutting like knives, the accusations, the things we NEVER guessed! the despair, arrrggghhhh!
Hey you ended up in bed TOGETHER, on more than one level! That's Good!
Jeannine, although My H now says that his feelings toward me started changing (for the better) in December, I saw NONE of that while he continued to lie to me and "see" OW.
It's a big deal for them to end things "for real" (and REALLY hard for us to trust that it IS over!!!)
Perhaps your H's response of "no, not really" to your query about his feelings about ending it is similar to my H's. He was RELIEVED that it was finally over. That he didn't have to sneak around and cover his traces. Can you imagine how exhausting and soul-tainting all of that must be???
It sounds to me like your H now KNOWs that OW is NOT the answer and is just floored by what he's done. He probably doubts (as my H did) that you could EVER forgive him this time. That's a large part of the reason CJ DIDN'T tell me he was still in touch with OW. Silly Goober!
I still feel a lot of hope in your sitch. H sounds uncertain, depressed, hopeless at the moment. My H has been there and bounced back!!!
NOW is the time to be there for him, let him know (as you are already doing) that this doesn't mean "the end". That he doesn't HAVE to be certain about your R right now. That there's no RUSH to DO anything, except perhaps explore what got you where you are, and DO stuff that brings you both joy.
The night CJ and I returned from our 2nd C (disastrous) only days after I found out that OW WASN't out of the picture for the previous 3 months as I'd been told (lied to, over and over and over)...I stood in the kitchen, shaking and lost. Then thought: Ah, hell we need to eat, right?
So I whipped up a great dinner (KNOWING H loves my cooking), cracked a bottle of wine and we had something resembling a "normal" dinner.
Now mind you, I had NO idea at the time if CJ was leaving, when, he had NO hope for us, heck the counsellor kept pressing us about suicide hotlines!!!
I'll check in with you, J, my prayers are with you. Any specific questions? Post me!!!!!
Hang in there, girlfriend. These guys are the "pro's" at piecing. You have to hit the bottom before you can start climbing up. Maybe this is the bottom. Remember guys don't think or communicate the way women do, so give him lots of room to maneuver.
Jeannine, Thanks for posting to my new thread - very nice to feel welcome over here in piecing. It seems like a different level of support and insight and your thread is so poetic! Are you a writer? Your H reminds me of mine about a year ago- horrible nights of me laying in the garage so he wouldnt leave in the middle of the argument as he always did. Making up after exhausting discussions that only seem to strengthen the negative. I suggest these discussions kept to a minimum- later on they are only a source of painful memories. I think you need to give him space and dont drive him out by pressuring him. Accept him for now- smile have sex, touch alot, dont quiz him. If he talks, nod and listen. He is probably mourning the loss of OW but that is normal and way better than keeping her around. Let him get through that. My H goes to his sister too who is really open minded and accepting of this stuff- he will get sick of that. My H's work was "off limits" too. So this is a huge step and declares you as his wife- dont under estimate that as a huge step forward. I am still not there on that front but getting close. Anyway, I know exactly where you are. I have lived it for 2 years. Not going anywhere because he will try to see her. You cant control that. Take care of you and make it somewhere safe to be - with you. Have a great night and come up with a plan for what to do tonight to keep busy and be thoughtful. NO pressure!!! LOL Shay
Ah, friend, just offering a small bit back of the comfort that you have offered me. If my honest, earnest message got you to a place where you could cry more peacefully, well, I've done it well, then.
Let us know how both you and h. are doing (when you're ready, of course).
Sage
PS That lucky feeling goes both ways...hope you know that.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for coming to my aid. I know that this time of year is especially difficult for you, (I've been keeping watch on your situation too). It always touches me to see how those who are going through such tough times themselves, still manage to reach out to others.
"You know your H has alot of personal baggage to deal with, and he's most likely projecting alot of that on you right now. In my opinion, that's what you are seeing now. He's learning that the OW is not the answer, so he's got to look a little deeper. "
Kelli, I think that you've hit it on the nose. As much as I don't like to admit it, my H does have some serious issues to deal with. As much as I'd like to, I can't fix everything. So I'm going to work on those things that I can fix, mainly my own issues.
Jeannine
To add to the equation though, I must agree with Sage about my needing to take note of what H told me.
I wrote H a letter and sent it to his email folder yesterday. I wrote it in a conversational tone and laid out a number of points. One point was aimed at how we can find a meeting ground. I outlined what is working in our relationship and suggested that we do more of that and I validated what he had told me the night before and expressed how I intended to work on that and how he could help me in that regard.
It was a lengthy letter, I spent a lot of time on it. I kept it light and friendly.
I also hardened my resolve to DB my fanny off when he got home dispite the fact that I was shaking in my boots and not knowing how he would receive my letter.
He read it before we sat down to dinner and when he came out of the study, (computer is in there) he had a pained look on his face. I thought, "oh no, my letter was ill received." I asked him if he was not feeling well and he said that his stomach was hurting. For about an hour and half H said nothing about the letter and I was wondering whether I'd made a mistake in writing it.
Normally, I would have asked him if he had read the letter I'd sent him. This time, I buttoned my lip.
Later, as I was perusing the news on my laptop and H was watching TV, he turned to me and said, "I got the email". I just looked at him but said nothing. "It was very nice, thank you" he said warmly. I reached over and put my hand on his arm and said "you're welcome honey" and then went back to reading. On the outside I looked calm and collected, but inside, my stomach was trading places with my liver.
Thank you so much for the support. I was really hoping to hear from you.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond sooner, but my own real life sister is in crisis and I ended up on the phone with her for most of Wednesday. Her XH has been stalking her and her five grown children for the last 11 yrs. He has been classified as a sexual deviant by a psychiatrist and a psychopath by a detective who has been trying to solve a murder case which may or may not involved her X. She and her girls have been looking over their shoulders for years and continue to fear for their well being.
My H does not know about this bb and my involvement with it, so when he gets home, I don't have much opportunity to post. I did check and read your post Tuesday night while he was in the shower though. It helped fortify me for the rest of the night.
I've read in your other posts that you have strong physical reactions to the stress that went on after the bomb went off (bombS...eeek). I believe you mentioned full body spasms and hives? I've had physical reactions to my situation also.
I'm not trying to be unkind when I say that it was a relief to actually read that someone else has experienced some pretty intense (and sometimes downright strange) physical reactions too.
I can't recall if you had mentioned that you,d lost a considerable amount of weight as well. I can't get out of the 90s range myself. Even the clothes that I'd gotten after I dropped, are too big for me now.
the despair, arrrggghhhh!
That's Good!
