Lea, I'm sorry you're here. The situation sounds very troubling. It's a lot to deal with all in a short time - the health of your mum, his mum, his father walking out, and then of course your own marriage. It's got to be hard on you.
I'm no expert on MLC but 27 sure sounds early for MLC. Sheesh you don't even have kids.
Aside from that it sure does seem that he is depressed.
Quote:
...flatly said no, that he doesnt love me like he should, hasnt missed me and doesnt see a future for our marriage.
That is right out of the depression book. Everything looks black to him.
As I read what you wrote I was thinking - have you read the DB book? (The DR book, really) It is good reading, may provide you with some comfort. Basically, this happens a lot. You can do specific things to make yourself stronger and happier during this tough time, and the good news is a stronger and happier Lea is good for your marriage, too. Above all you need to be calm and strong for yourself.
Couple other things that occurred to me:
if the counselor is suggesting that counseling is not useful, I would tend to agree. Counseling is very difficult for some people. if he is not willing, even enthusiastic, then it could be more damaging than helpful. Maybe a prudent course is to take the pressure off.
he was not there for you during the time of your mum's crisis. And it sounds as if this will continue for a while. I know it's hard on you and not what you want, but it is what's happening. There are a couple paths: you could continue to depend on him now, and state those expectations. Bursting into tears is probably not the best way - maybe saying "look this is a really tough time for me, I would like to talk. Have you got some time for me?" or something calm like that. The other option is to just back off and let him rest, find other interests and keep yourself busy. The DR book doesn't recommend either approach - it offers examples of both, and recommends to "do what works." So ... you could try one or the other and see if you think it makes any difference. If no difference, then maybe change your approach.
for example, seems to me that going on holiday worked. And also having your fun time on sunday, worked. Could you extend those things somehow? What made your early years really fun? could you rekindle that somehow? If he is truly depressed about the job, maybe he needs to get away from responsibility for a while. Maybe the mortgage is not the right thing, right now for your marriage. Maybe renting a place, change of scenery, would be better. OF course those are big questions, and you will have to decide how far you are willing to go for this man. How much are you willing to divert the course of your life for this person?
There are some experts who advocate backing off the pressure in order to ease the problems. If you "work on" your marriage, it tends to amplify the pressure for some people.
Trying to convince someone they are depressed can turn into a war. They resist and it only makes things worse. You do not need to get him to agree with your view of his depression, in order to do things to make it easier on him.
Gaining some perspective may help. I read some of Winston Churchill's writings and it really put my marriage situation into perspective. Maybe you could do something like that. OF course your H needs perspective too, but an oblique approach might be best. Maybe he sees you reading a book, and his curiosity is piqued. Rather than you handing him a book to read.
think about the source of his depression. What would be an oblique way to help him to realize that his job troubles won't last forever, that he is not his father, or whatever. Are there new things you can do, things you've always wanted to do that you never quite got round to? Like singing lessons or volunteering at the soup kitchen. Starting something new maybe will show him what is possible.
I don't know if this helps. good luck!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
