A Ray of Hope - I hope

[sage]

Jeannine,

Honey. I am sending you warm, loving thoughts and hugs. A shoulder to cry on. As much comfort as I can. I am sorry for the pain that you are in right now. I know it well. (You know that).

I don't see endings. I see beginnings. I think you belong in "Piecing" more than any other place right now.

You and h, well, as brutal and painful and unnerving and naked as it probably felt...there may be a gift or two in there for each of you. Not to capitalize on your pain or effort but there was a gift or two in there for me, too.

How do we get there? To that place where just letting them love us (when we feel so unloveable?? or is that just me?) is the right thing, perhaps the only thing that makes it right for them.

Is the universe perverse in putting together two people (make that four) -- someone who questions their ability to love and someone who questions their ability to be loved? Maybe the universe is just whip-smart. I see a path for you. It's bumpy and will require you to forge ahead without a map but you've got your machete, right? Hack away, my friend.

I love, love, love that your h. suggested a new start for you.

I pressed him to tell me what I did specifically and he made mention of my over-powering him.

He spoke of my sadness, my not trusting him and his feeling like he is just a wee little man. He even admitted that he might be projecting these things on to me, but that that is how he feels.

He told me that because I'm always trying to get love from him, he can never give love to me.

Now here is where I wish I could remember exactly the words my H used because it was highly significant. He said something to the affect that maybe we needed to end our relationship and try coming together fresh. That maybe that was the place to start.

I don't repeat these things to hurt you...but to reinforce what h is telling you. You know where you need to go with this.

I repeated "for the most part?" he wobbled for a little while longer and then said that he didn't know what to say, that he was very tired.
He then left for work.

Let him come to you, Jeannine. Love him with all your heart. Love yourself.

Before I read your post this AM I was thinking of a response to your post of last night...when you were talking about feeling insecure re. h's actions and the ghost of the OW. What I was going to say was this:

Try not to make the drive to fears about the OW. You know I know the road well. And, what I'm finding is that once you drive down it a few times, the car goes on autopilot everytime an anxiety hits. You'll hop in the car and drive down the same road again and again and you'll end up at the same old spot.

I think it's time for you to try something new. I think it's gonna be scary as hell. I know I need a new route, a new path. What if we travelled our roads separately ('cause we must) but we helped each other along?

I think you guys are gonna be ok. I really do.

Sage