I posted on the Newcomers board but a couple of people suggested it may be better on the MLC board-although H is only 27!!
Here's my story:
Me & H have been together since we were 16 & 17, split for 9 months when we were 20 (he finished it) went our seperate ways for a bit, then he phoned me, we met up and got back together. Been living together since Nov 03, we got married in July 06, and he admits he was totally happy and in love then. H was a laidback, carefree musician, always smiling and 'chilled', nothing fazed him. Although he has never talked about his emotions and actually we now think he may have mild signs of autism. We hardly ever argued, occassionally 'bickered' but more in a jokey way. He hardly ever got angry or lost his temper.
In Nov 06 he was suspended from work and had to fight to keep his job which dented his confidence. In my eyes, thats when the problems started. He began showing signs of depression-irritability, insomnia, not eating, etc etc. Doctors tried various anti depressants which made his symptoms worse. One night he even self harmed which is something he had never done before or since. He would also walk the streets at night because he could not bear to be in the house, couldnt watch TV because he couldnt concentrate etc. Sometimes if we were out, something would 'switch' in his head, his mood would instantly change, he would say he wanted to be dead and needed to go home straight away. He would constantly snap at me for no reason.
In April 07 his mum was diagnosed with cancer which was a shock. Our relationship came to a head in June 07 when after a drunken row about me not feeling loved he left to stay with his parents. He was insistent that he was depressed because he wasnt happy with his life and our relationship. He was only gone a week before he came back, but in truth me and his parents put a lot of pressure on him to come back and tried to convince him he was depressed.
So he came back, the doctor put him on a different stronger anti depressant which seemed to do the trick and things started improving. He even referred a couple of times to his depression causing the problems which to me was him admitting that it wasnt our relationship that caused his depression like he had previously said. Things were nearly back to normal, when in October 07 his dad walked out on his mum after 30 years of marriage. Totally unexpected, and not long after his dad had been telling my H that he owed it our marriage not to leave etc. His dad was also a Vicar for 25 years and he gave that up! So I imagine this shook my H's world, but he never talks about stuff. Things were fine until Boxing Day when he became very introverted again, showing signs of his depression. This lasted a few days until I forced him to talk. He said he felt unsettled again. He slept on the sofa and the next morning apologised and asked if we could put it down to experience and forget it happened. So we did.
On New Years Eve we joked that we hoped 2008 would be a new start for our marriage. On New Years Day my mum had a heart attack, again, totally unexpected. Things were really touch and go and it was extremely difficult for a while. I went back to work 2 days after she had the heart attack, and H usually has band practise that night of the week. He did not offer to cancel it. He did not contact me at all that day-not even a text-to ask how my mum or I was doing. He came back at 11.15pm that night and I heard him in the living room watching telly. I went downstairs and he casually told me that band practise had been cancelled and he had spent the evening playing video games round a friends. I burst into tears-couldnt believe that my mum was in hospital nearly dying and this was how he helped me cope.
My mum started to get better and things between me & H did too. In Feb I arranged a surprise weekend in London for his birthday, and he told me how much he loved me. We had got into some debt whilst he was depressed because he couldnt work, so we started talks with our mortgage company to get a re-mortgage. I sat H down and said he has to be sure about us because we will be tied together financially if we go ahead with his. He says he is totally sure about us. Late Feb he loses his job-turns out he was working for a dodgy firm and they were withholding his pay so we have to get Solicitors involved to try and get the money back. So he was jobless and we were having financial difficulties and had to put the remortgage on hold. In March we had a week in Lanzarote that had been booked for ages and it was great-not a single row, just really relaxing and lovely. I finally thought we had turned a corner in our M. The day we got back his mood switched again. We put it down to the post holiday blues but his mood never lifted and 2 weeks later I pushed him to talk. He said he felt unsettled and needed time to think. So he went to stay with his dad.
He's been gone a month today. The first couple of weeks he was coming back to the house every day to say hi to me and our dog and cat, and to pick stuff up. Then he said he still didnt think he wanted to come home so we agreed to have a week of no contact. After this week he came round and said he still felt he didnt want to come back, but something was holding him back from making that final decision. He said he wanted to try marriage counselling. We also agreed we would spend 'fun' time together each week. On Sunday we spent some time together and it was good.
Last night we had the marriage counselling and the marriage counsellor seemed to recognise straight away that I was the one who dealt with everything practical in the marriage, that I was 'his rock' and he was giving mixed signals. Counsellor asked H if he loved me, he very matter of factly said no, that he doesnt love me like he should, hasnt missed me and doesnt see a future for our marriage. He just says that he has changed as a person and doesnt see me as the person he wants to be with anymore, and that he cares for me only because we have been together a long time and its familiar and comfortable. Marriage counsellor says he seems very confused but that their is no point us having any further couple sessions as it will be a waste of money. She suggests he has some individual sessions though. In the car afterwards he said that on Sunday he felt he didnt really have anything to say to me, and that after not seeing me for a week he should have lots to say to his wife. He said that he wants to go to individual counselling but he thinks he is not coming back. He says he is adamant that his depression has been bought on by guilt of not wanting the relationship.
So there we are. Sorry its so long.
What do I do now?????
Thanks for reading Lea
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
