I don’t even know where to begin, so much happened and for the most part, I came unglued while H played the part of Stone man.
I now believe that H ended the A with OW for real this time. I asked him if that was making him feel bad and he very coolly and sincerely replied “no, not at all”.
Normally, this would have been a big relief for me and would have been the main content of this post. Unfortunately, all is NOT well.
I asked him what had happened over the past few days that caused him to cool toward me since returning from Alaska. He thought for a moment and then said, “Time passed”.
I can’t fully recall what was said but I came to ask him how long he had been feeling a lack of affection for me and he replied in a matter-of-fact manner, “For years”.
This is when I completely lost it and let all hell break loose. I was no longer in DB mode.
I won’t go into all the gory details. I’ll just touch on the moments that stand out and/or that I can remember.
My H let me know last night that he loves me but he can’t live with me. Said he’s been feeling this way for years but was too afraid to leave because of what I might do or what I might become. He made reference to the fact that I had hurt him in many ways over the past years. I pressed him to tell me what I did specifically and he made mention of my over-powering him.
He spoke of my sadness, my not trusting him and his feeling like he is just a wee little man. He even admitted that he might be projecting these things on to me, but that that is how he feels.
He also admitted that he had discussed his infidelity and our situation to his sister while he was with her up in Alaska. I did not get the details of their discussion, but I would guess that he has informed her of his feeling of wanting to escape. He’s not the type to disclose his infidelity without defending it. So now, I’m pretty sure that this will get around to the rest of the family. This feels really awful to me. It’s as though he has made a declaration.
It was nearly midnight by the time the fur stopped flying. We were both worn out. He said he was going to sleep in the other room and then we ended up standing together in the kitchen at first just staring at each other.
He told me that because I’m always trying to get love from him, he can never give love to me. (You’ll notice that my H uses words like “always” and “never” a lot).
Now here is where I wish I could remember exactly the words my H used because it was highly significant. He said something to the affect that maybe we needed to end our relationship and try coming together fresh. That maybe that was the place to start.
He started to cry and said that he was terrified to leave. We ended up holding each other and kissing and then we went to bed, kissed some more and I thanked him for tolerating all the negative things I had said and asked him for forgiveness. He said he had already forgiven me and said that he hoped that someday I could forgive him.
We talked about how much sex with one another means to the both of us and he once again reiterated that it was the absolute best with me and that that part of him was all mine, exclusively. I smiled and then….well….we proved our point.
This morning, as H was getting ready to leave, I asked him “are we alright?” He wobbled for a painfully long time as though he was trying to find a gentle way to lower the axe and then said “for the most part”. I repeated “for the most part?” he wobbled for a little while longer and then said that he didn’t know what to say, that he was very tired. He then left for work.
So now it’s out in the open, my H said he loved me but doesn’t want to live with me. H loves having sex with me but…..? H gave me conflicting information. H gave me relevant information.
I don’t know where to go from here, I don't even know if I belong in "piecing" anymore. I just know that I feel like curling up into a little ball and disappearing.
