That is a fantastic question. Last night we had a really really good long talk...until I found out that she has been seeing a fella in the town she works in. She has been spending a crazy amount of time on her facebook account and I got a little snoopy last night...and well there were messages back and forth between her and her friend about the guy she has been seeing...who apparently has not been returning her calls or texts.
I told her that she can't continue doing this to me and she told me she didn't think she could stop. I packed some cloths and I intend to spend some time at my friends house. While I was packing she tried to stop me from leaving. I do not understand her at all. It is terribly frustrating! I am pretty convinced she does not see what she is doing wrong. I told her she needs to see a therapist for obvious commitment issues and she disagreed.
This marks about the 5th time I have found evidence of hidden emails and messages from her to another man in the last 5 years. It seems she constantly needs another man in her life besides me. I have had about enough...I don't feel as if I deserve this. I have not been a perfect husband but I have never done anything of this magnitude to her and certainly nothing to warrant this treatment.
It kills me to leave my house and my family, but I don't see any other course of action right now.
I think if you'll go back on your thread, you'll see that Strong&Alive has given you a fantasatic roadmap. I suggest you put your keys in the ignition, steel yourself, gas up and start driving.
You might want to move your thread over to the "Infidelity" board, as there are more of us over there with specific experience with what you're going through.
I'm so sorry that you're going thru this again. There's obviously a pattern here, both with your wife and with how you react to her affairs over the years. The good news is that you have some "what didn't work before" data and experience to go by now, and this message board of people who can help you maybe do things differently this time.
I get blasted sometimes for suspecting affairs, but the "script" is really pretty easy to spot. The good news, again, is that even that can be used to your advantage.
Go back and read that post from S&A, and let us know what you think. I think it contains an excellent mix of DBing/GALing/focusing on YOU things, as well as things you can do to draw some new, strong boundaries with your wayward wife.
Ty, This a tough situation you're in. Moving out is of course a drastic step, and not one that I would have suggested - all of the things I think you should do can be done at home. That said, your wife has to my mind been living in cloud cuckoo land for a long while now, and at your expense. Maybe she needs a dose of cold reality to bring her to her senses. Perhaps you should stay with your friend for a week or two, so that she can see what she will be missing - tell her you will be away for a week or longer, to contemplate the future of your marriage. I feel sorry for the kids, especially the 11-year-old. I presume he's already been through the break-up of her previous relationship, and is no doubt once again feeling insecure. Then there is your own 2-year-old. I suggest you visit for an hour or so everyday for their sakes. Talk to your wife, but be firm and consistent about what you expect from her (see my second post to you) if you're to return. Do not allow her to manipulate you into feeling guilty - she is the deceitful one, not you. However, like S I think you should indeed press her to explain why she doesn't think she can stop cheating on you. If your marriage is to have any kind of a future, you will both need work on yourselves and then learn to meet each other's wants/desires. All the best, Strong&Alive.
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
She said she could not change who she is. That is her reason for just about everything now. It is who she is and she cannot change.
S&A-
She is in Cuckoo Land. She has lived such a consequence free life for so long it almost seems like she feels she can do what ever comes into her head and get away with it....well she has so I can see where it comes from. It is as much my fault as hers as I have not properly stood up for myself in the past.
The oldest actually just turned 13 and he never really knew his bio father until about 5 years ago. He has some medical problems and he has not talked to me in over a week..I can only assume his mom has informed him of the problems we are having. My 3 year old has also noticed some tension as he has regressed into going to the bathroom in his pants, behaving badly etc etc.
I really wonder sometimes if there is any saving this marriage and if it is even worth all the work. I am so tired and frustrated with never having any peace in my love life. It is a constant struggle every single day....I would just like it to be a little easier!
Tonight is the big night. All my stuff is packed and ready to go. I am moving light though...I am not taking ALL my stuff, my computer is about the biggest thing I am taking. Other than that it is clothes and such. My friend has a room all made up for me. He is that same fella who I lived with when she asked for a seperation a few years ago. He is a super friend and is always supportive of whatever decision I make.
My Plan at the moment is to be healthy and do what I can to make the transition as easy as possible on my kids. I don't plan to go wild or anything like that, but she needs to see that she cannot run rough-shod over my feelings anymore. She does not want to listen to reason and me staying at the house and watching the kids is exactly where she wants me. Disconneting from her has no effect as I am still in the house. She is happy with that arrangement. I don't think things will change while I am still under the same roof as she is. I think it is her turn to show that she wants this marriage to work...and if she does not than at least I know that is the case and can move forward from there.
Are you ok with not being able to come back if that turns out to be the case. Are you ok with her controlling when you get to see the kids, if that turns out to be the case?
I guess I'm going to do the argument on behalf of your kids. Kids need stability more than they need their parents to be happy. They need you to BE THERE ALL THE TIME in order for them to be happy. I'm arguing for your kids. STAY.
Last edited by sgctxok; 04/28/0805:38 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Kids need stability more than they need their parents to be happy. They need you to BE THERE ALL THE TIME in order for them to be happy.
Sorry to disagree with you on this, but there are plenty of experts who will also totally disagree with this line of thinking. Staying together for the sake of the kids can cause more harm than good - the kids need stability and they need security, neither of which will be found in an unhappy/unhealthy marriage. What are you teaching them in this instance? That this kind of behavior is acceptable? I speak from experience - having left a 26-year marriage that I stayed in for the sake of my sons, and in the end they suffered a LOT more damage that they are as adults now coming to grips with, some of which could have been avoided had I not remained in the abusive/controlling, and totally UNHEALTHY relationship for THEIR sake. Hindsight is 20/20 and at the time I did what I thought was best, now I am also trying to not beat myself up with guilt for making a poor choice in staying....
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
