Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Well, what an interesting night. Thank God for this board and one of my friends (a Rector from an Episcopal Church) was available. Basically talked me off the ledge of totally blowing up and kicking WAW out on her arse. Talk about getting away from my goal...

To the posters, thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed to vent. Now I need to learn to detach, completely from WAW. I keep reading a piece Faithful gave me a while back on detachment - I read this over and over and am still confused. So will talk to IC about this as well as my DB coach. My friend asked how I was going to do this while in the same house, I don't know yet, I have to understand it first... I am living with an alien right now - my friend also asked about her having a MLC - I don't know, not even sure if I should go down this road. As Faithful said, stop trying to be the fixer...

I am calm right now, a certain peace has come over me, I am hopeful it is the prayers I have been receiving - again, thank you.

I just walked down the hallway and told kids goodnight, W was in the bathroom - she just went to bed, no goodnights to anybody... interesting.

I need to be strong for my kids, even at their age. They can sense what is going on, they have been so good to me, I see my strength in them, and I need to step up and show them teh strength back. I love my kids and I see so much of me in them. Good and bad. I see a lot of W in them as well.

I will be doing a lot of thinking over the next few days - trying my best to figure this stuff out. How to detach, what does this mean - need to re-read this in DR and look at the stuff faithful sent me.

To any other posters that are reading this - if you have learned only one thing from me tonight - DON'T SNOOP - I was doing so well, this set me back, personally, a long way. I did not confront W, so I don't think I backslid too much tonight as I was pretty darn good most of the night with our conversation. I will now have to figure out if I want to go to this BBQ this weekend with her at a mutual friends house. I did commit to this today...

Lastly, I do feel the need to protect myself and will seek out a L this week. I need to know what mine fields I am walking through. I will probably tell W after the fact, as I said (and she did) that if I sought out an L, I would let her know. Why I feel the need to play fair, I have no idea.

Anyway - God will grant me rest tonight, I need all my strength to get through the day.

Peace,

CBK