I haven't been around for quite a while since I've been so busy, but I have a question that I can't seem to solve on my own.
My XH and I have been divorced for a little over a year and in my last post(many moons ago), I thought we were reconciling, but now I think you would call it reconnecting. He calls everyday, sometimes more than once, but no talks about "us" or our relationship. They are more like check-in calls to see how things are going. That is fine with me.
I haven't really figured out why he calls me daily--sometimes I answer if I'm home and other times I'm not available. I never call him back. I have no anger towards him, and do not harbor any illusions about us getting back together. He has been somewhat secretive about his life but just recently he's been more open. He has been drinking quite heavily and just called me last night to say he was sorry for being such a POS. He didn't say it sarcastically--he was very remorseful. And then just this last Friday, he had called me at 12:30 am to check on me as I was coming home from work because it was snowing. He sounded drunk and told me he was.
I do not know if he is reaching out for help or something else. I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him and he said no. Is there anything I can do? His phone calls don't send me spinning. I have continued with my life and have forgiven him and myself and am at peace with how things are. I don't know if there is anything I can say to him to help him or do I just let him figure this out.
I told him I loved him when we said goodbye. I haven't said this to him in 8 months. He kind of groaned and said, "I know" and I could hear the guilt in his voice. I didn't say it for any other reason than just to let him know that I did. I wasn't expecting him to say it back and it didn't bother me at all that he didn't. The wierd thing is is that I know he does, he just can't tell me and I know he doesn't feel worthy of my love.
I could go on and on, but I'll spare you all. I really just want other's opinions--is there anything I can do to help him?
FT - I don't know if you are religious or not. I would suggest praying for your H and continue treating him with kindness.
If you are so inclined I would tell him that you are praying for him.
In short, there is not much that YOU personally can do. no magic words, no quick fix. Just be there for him and continue to let him know that you are available to talk if he ever feels like it, that you will help him if he needs it without pushing him to do so.
Good luck
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Thanks so much for the reply. Not really religious in the sense of belonging to a church, but I do work at one and pray all the time. I have prayed for help for him, so maybe in a way it's working since it seems he is drinking more and seems very lost--close to rock-bottom.
If I feel I can't treat him with kindness then I don't answer the phone, but that hasn't happened lately. All I really feel is compassion for him. I can hear in his voice how miserable and mixed up he feels. We were married for almost 17 years, so I know him very well.
In my heart I know what you said is true. I told him last night that if he needed any help, I would help him. And I think he knows that and it's one of the reasons he reaches out to me. But, until he is ready to accept help or want help, there isn't much else I can do. It's just that we have a 16 year old son who has been hurt by of all this and I don't want anything to happen to XH for our son's sake. So, I just wondered if there was anything I could do that perhaps I hadn't thought of.
Thanks again for helping me. I really appreciate it.
seems you are keeping your distance while still being a listening ear, guess that's all you can do, congrats on having moved on healthily btw. You are right, unless he asks for specific help there isn't much you can do but listen. Good on you it doesn't affect you talking to him like that, i'm surprised, it has been only 1yr.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks cat. It's been about 15 months since he left and 13 months since our divorce. I've had my share of down days, crying spells, etc. (never in front of him) but it serves me no purpose now. I decided to accept "what is" instead of resisting it about 3 months ago and I have so much more peace. It probably also helped that he never blamed any of this on me or was mean in any way. He lied, and had other typical MLC behaviors, but was never angry with me.
I've also seen how much my XH has suffered. He has lost his job, has very little money, and drinks heavily. It doesn't make sense to add to his guilt and misery. Recently he has gotten a new job, but at half of what he was making before.
He called tonight but no mention was made of last night--his being drunk or the conversation. He was sober and seemed okay. He said he would call tomorrow. So, life goes on--I'm not thinking about the future because I can't control that anyway. Trying to live in the present moment.
Another question--does alcohol play a big part for a lot of people dealing with a MLC? Does it prolong the journey?
Just thinking out loud.
Oh, yeah, big time for some MLCers, my H included.
He always drank but not as much while in MLC.
I noticed the drinking got much heavier just leading up to us finding out about the A in August, 2005, then he would drink quite a bit between that time and the first time he moved out June '06.
He did stop drinking all last year because he had to for other reasons but he did start up again this year, and when he moved home again March '08, he was drinking again. He moved out two weeks ago and he is drinking more now each night then he was while living at home.
On weeknights, he would drink about 5-6 beers while here but now that he is over there, he seems to down twice that amount.
So yeah, any way they can to self medicate. I have heard from people whose husbands did this, that once they finally begin to snap out of the MLC, the drinking is not as intense.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Thanks Jack. I think I meant--does alcohol compound the MLC and make it worse? I used the word "prolong" but the more I thought about it after I posted it, I don't think that was the right word.
I have a sister who was an alcoholic and it took years and a subsequent arrest before she went through treatment. Coming from an Irish-Italian background, alcohol was a big part of my family.
I know they have to hit rock-bottom before things begin to change. I guess I can only pray that rock-bottom isn't him hurting himself or someone else.
Thanks SF. I need to take the time and read your sitch. I'm so sorry you have to deal with your H leaving again. I can only imagine how difficult it must be.
My XH drank/partied when we were dating, but then he was 25. That behavior is considered normal. He pretty much stopped drinking when our son was born except for the occasional beer now and then or when we went to a wedding, etc.
Starting in July '06, he started going out with kids from work--23-25 year olds and drinking alot, so much so that he didn't come home at night. One time last summer he said to me, "I think I need to go to AA." I was kind of surprised. I figured he drank on the weekends, but was surprised to learn that he had been drinking every night, not to the point of getting drunk every night, but drinking more than a couple of beers. I offered to go with him if he wanted to go, but he never mentioned it again.
Just in the last two-three weeks, he's called me late at night when he's been drinking and does not hide the fact that he's been drinking and even tells me how "wasted" he is. I was kind of surprised about it on Sunday--he gets up at 6am for work, so I wasn't expecting him to be drunk at 10:30pm. And before he would drink with friends, kind of a party atmosphere. Now, he drinks alone, sitting in his room. It even sounds depressing. And so unhealthy--I worry about him, but I know there is nothing I can do to help him until he wants to help himself. Except pray, and I do that alot.
I hope positive things start to happen for you and your H and he is starting to come out of his MLC. Thanks again for your reply.
