Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

New thread - old one here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1423700&page=0&fpart=12

Well, Not sure how to start this thread.

I was on an anti snooping week, but it got the best of me.

What I read, don't ask how or where...

My wife is totally out of the M, she has been for years and doesn't want to work on it. Everything I say, she turns it back around on my - that I have a big ego, that I did this and that. The OM is in counseling, but he is not coming clean about he A - W is okay with that but still say they are totally in love and he will always be a piece of her. For me, there is no desire what-so-ever to work on the M, none, zippo. She saw a lawyer today, after she said she "has" not yet. She wants the house if she leaves, she found out today that isn't going to happen. The L says you sound like you have been emotionally divorced for years, great, now I have the L going against me. I can't even paraphrase what I read, but if you were to read it, you would say walk away... I know I shouldn't snoop, but I had the guy feeling about he L, need to protect myself now. Will go see one on Wednesday.

It seems so far gone to me now, she said even when she looks at me in the eyes, no love there, never will be. WTF - I am at a total loss. Snooping getting the best of me again.

What she says, that I found got my needs met with my job and I ignored her. That they all stroked my ego and I loved it, I probably did.

Part of me says kick her out, separate the bank accounts and say good luck... I don't know what to do. Friggin snooping... this is why you should not do it. I know don't listen to most of what they say, but what about what they write?

I thought the conversation last night was just okay, according to her, it was all about me, I don't get and I am just to late.

Advice - don't tell me not to snoop and shame on you - that I get.

CBK

[CBK]

Just need to vent - nobody in my support network is available right now... dang it.

This was a so devastating - I knew there was a reason not to snoop. Right now, I am so upset, I feel more betrayed than I ever have. I feel like I want to confront W when she comes back in from shopping. I want to kick her out of the house. She has so much hate toward me - I just don't get this. We have counseling on Thursday, maybe I wait until then.

She says "I can totally be friends with me" as we had dinner one time before a counseling session and it was comfortable. She said she will never have love for me again.

I really thought I had turned a corner. Somebody tell me that I should not get into an R talk tonight... please. Right now, if she walks in that door, I am afraid I will lose it. I just hung up on my mom because she was asking too many questions.

I guess tomorrow I call lawyer and protect myself. I actually had us at 10% chance - it is now to 1%. She also said the reason she is going to counseling is to give the appearance she is working on the M so she can have her dignity - in her eyes.

I hope somebody is out there - I need help tonight - tell me that I should not do what I am thinking of doing, it is at times like this Sandi that I am afraid I will tell everybody what is going on. She blames me for everything gone bad - she is taking no responsibility for the M falling apart. It is amazing that about 7 weeks ago, I thought I was in a strained marriage, not on the path to divorce.

Should I boot her out of the house? I know it is hard to DB this way.... I have my DB coach on Wednesday... dang, what to do.

I hope somebody is out there...

CBK

[sgctxok]

DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT. KEEP THE HOPE, KEEP THE FAITH.

[CBK]

SG - I can't - I am a total mess right now. I actually thought there was hope - I am totally broken man right now. My kids are in the house, I have to sit here and cry to myself. I am going to leave - that may be the best thing. Go cry in my car in parking lot...

[sgctxok]

CBK,

There are soooooooo many options, so many ways to handle this, but you can't do it now.

Your best option now is to DO NOTHING.

I KNOW it will be hard. It's best. You will get a bunch of conflicting advice real soon. Sit on it. 72 hours.

Just breathe.

I'm praying for you.

sg

[FaithfulH]

CBK,

I have been quiet...partially because I don't know if you're listening. Why do you think it is optional....to snoop...or not....to talk about the R....or not....to disclose the affair...or not. You are twisting in the wind right now....Why?...because you are breaking the "rules". You are not detached....you wouldn't snoop if you were. You are hurting deeply....or you wouldn't have been mentally debating whether you should expose the affair.

I have to tell you that I DO see lots of positives in your behaviour...and then you backslide. The good news is that you seem to recognize. But realize that these setbacks are extremely damaging. If you can't get it right when your very marriage and family are on the line...how likely are you to get it right when your marriage is restored? Your W decided that the pain and uncertainty of separation and/or divorce was less than the pain/uncertainty she was experiencing inside the marriage. Don't you get that? So, GET YOUR EYES OFF OF HER...and ON YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR! You are no good to her right now....nor would you be any good to any woman in the condition you are in. I agree with most everything that Sandi wrote....her perspective is VERY valuable. If I had followed all the advice that I received, I would be divorced instead of nearly 1 year into reconciling! Yeah, some told me to throw her out....tell her to pay her own bills...but, I was controlling in the past....I asked God to give me Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Self-Control....look familiar? Read about the Fruits of the Spirit in the bible. BTW, you need to get good at hearing from God.....your intuition...and OURS....is not enough!

CBK, you CAN do this! Get back on your game, Brother!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

By now, you probably realize that I'm different, so I'm not going to say that at all, CBK. My advice to people about snooping is, "Don't do it if you can't handle it." But if you can learn to treat the situation dispassionately, and use the intel as just that -- information from which to make informed decisions -- that it can be helpful for a time.

That really doesn't make a difference, because you did it. What I WILL tell you is, everything your wife is saying is script. Let not your heart be troubled! I know it hurts; I had to listen to audio of my wife making out with her boyfriend, and talking about me calling me an "idiot," and saying "I will never, ever, EVERRRR want to be with him, doesn't he understand that???!" And much, much worse.

She's fogged out.

I do think you should see a lawyer, and know your options.

I do think you should protect your finances. People in affairs often do desperate things.

I will say this, though: part of my strong approach recommendations come from the belief that they actually make you more attractive to the wayward spouse. Especially betrayed men. I'm guessing that your wife doesn't find your "pleasing" behavior attractive, and she is most likely sexually attractive to the OM's strength and assertiveness.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Puppy

[sgctxok]

SG - I can't - I am a total mess right now. I actually thought there was hope - I am totally broken man right now. My kids are in the house, I have to sit here and cry to myself. I am going to leave - that may be the best thing. Go cry in my car in parking lot...

Aw honey. I'm crying with you. I'm so sorry.


There is still hope. I promise you.


People screw up. It's what we do best. But there's mercy. There is always mercy.

[FaithfulH]

CBK,

I agree with SG....do NOTHING. Or as you wrote yesterday, go for a drive. Despite whatever you read....this is NOT the end! I wouldn't get a L either until you hear from her L. There is plenty of time for that if it ever is needed. I think I told you early on that I almost blew it in my sitch by rushing with the legal and financial stuff. Now is not the time to be worried about that. BTW, I found out things by snooping that I thought pointed to the end....and in almost every case I misread the "signs". There is lots of hope! Get back to where you were 24 hours ago!

[FaithfulH]

CBK,

You are a good man....or you would be long gone by now. Many men when faced with the trials you are going through, walk away! You are fighting the tough battle...and it is no less than a battle for your family's future. You are the General, the Sergeant and the Private in this battle! In other words, this is a battle that you were meant to fight..ALONE! You want encouragement? Have you read any of the books I recommended for you?....John Eldredge's "Wild At Heart"....or Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants"?...if you can, start reading one of them tomorrow... or tonight. You will be encouraged and lifted up!