Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Just need to vent - nobody in my support network is available right now... dang it.

This was a so devastating - I knew there was a reason not to snoop. Right now, I am so upset, I feel more betrayed than I ever have. I feel like I want to confront W when she comes back in from shopping. I want to kick her out of the house. She has so much hate toward me - I just don't get this. We have counseling on Thursday, maybe I wait until then.

She says "I can totally be friends with me" as we had dinner one time before a counseling session and it was comfortable. She said she will never have love for me again.

I really thought I had turned a corner. Somebody tell me that I should not get into an R talk tonight... please. Right now, if she walks in that door, I am afraid I will lose it. I just hung up on my mom because she was asking too many questions.

I guess tomorrow I call lawyer and protect myself. I actually had us at 10% chance - it is now to 1%. She also said the reason she is going to counseling is to give the appearance she is working on the M so she can have her dignity - in her eyes.

I hope somebody is out there - I need help tonight - tell me that I should not do what I am thinking of doing, it is at times like this Sandi that I am afraid I will tell everybody what is going on. She blames me for everything gone bad - she is taking no responsibility for the M falling apart. It is amazing that about 7 weeks ago, I thought I was in a strained marriage, not on the path to divorce.

Should I boot her out of the house? I know it is hard to DB this way.... I have my DB coach on Wednesday... dang, what to do.

I hope somebody is out there...

CBK