There and Back, up and walking #1

[SuperDad]

Hi Sally,
First, you really sound great... lucid, focussed, driving towards a goal. However, are you sure you are focusing on the right goal? I think we all start out RE-acting to our WAS. First to the bomb and then by defining our goals in relation to them.

h totally wants me to do the dirty work. I told him lets go, lets get this wrapped up, but told him he has to make the appt with the mediator. which includes finding one...I put out feelers and let him know I did, but haven't had a recommendation yet. my work is done as far as I'm concerned. if I don't like who he picks eventually, I will say so and get more involved, but he needs to get the ball rolling. this is his ballgame at this point.

What is your goal?

It seems to me that your H is so lost in the fog of MLC that he is willing to pay for the house, etc. for quite a while. This can be a great gift to you...time to spend with the kids in a stable environment...time for you to explore educational/career opportunities... WHATEVER IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!

I think he has a hard time shutting down any option. not so sure I am an option anymore. I was willing to be for a long time. and when he started sounding like he was coming out of his fog in january and started really apologizing and accepting some responsibility I started to have some hope again. but after out last conversation where he told me point blank that was just a bad moment (guessing fight with ow) and that he is choosing ow because she is a guarantee, well, that's that. I am done. I see the future and the big D is it.

OK, this is just a therapists dream!
1. MLC, much?!
2. "guarantee" WTF, is he 12? There are no guarantees, even he knows this. If there were, would life even be worth living?

Sally, my .02$: Just give him a ton of space. He is totally confused. He knows he is totally confused. OW has her own issues, why else would she get involved with a married man, for starters? She is in fact as close to a guarantee as you get. Namely that she will find him completely boring and unattractive once he is actually available and will start looking for her next challenge!

he probably doesn't even remember the comment or the e-mail

We all remember selectively. There is so much that we say and hear every day that this is true even for those of us not in MLC! He is so focused on himself right now that there is really no hope that he will remember any of this, much less realize the impact that his words/actions might have on others!

Take care, SD