Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[cagzmom]

thansk spm.

My younger friends are great. tehy make me laugh and i dont know they are good guys. the 24 year old is a beleiver and we share lots of stuff about God. He is a good kid---

Had my C session last night. He was very quiet - it was strange...I hadn't been for 2 weeks. yes your disfunctional friend still goes every week (have been since January 2007!!!) Anyway-- we were talking about letting go and how for me right now having nc with H is something i need to do. I told him how that was hard for me NOT because i want to talk to him, but because by doing that I feel like he is looking at me like a wimp who isn't over him-- like it empowers him. But on the flip side I haven't talked to him the last 2 softball games -- and it does help.

He explained me going nc like this. When I do talk to him I hang onto every last word (good or bad) that he said...and that keeps me from letting go. It kidna makes sense. Then we talked about the fact that I can still "see" into his life in some other areas...and how by doing that I am being similar to a drug addict....yet again the reference to my addiction..

he said that addicts will often drive by the places where they used to get drugs/sex etc. when tehy are trying to quit or have quit. and then tehy turn and say...why is the temptation so strong? why can't i let go.... It is because they "rekindle" or refuel that in them. They are making it harder on themselves tehn tehy need to.

So it is for me with H. Letting go...moving forward. I told him yesterday I am almost angry that I am at this stage as I never wanted to be here.....yet I am. and NOT because H chose it but because I need to do it for me to get my life back.

I keep thinking I have let go..and i believe i have. but i hold on to little pieces. NC will be good for me. With summer coming I will only have to see him every other weekend whne he picks up d11 and then I wnot have to see him even then. if s19 seems him it will be on neutral ground as s19 doesnt want to meet bimbo and since she is living there i dont know how they will see each other...

well off to a softball game...h told d11 he wont be there...and that is a good thing!!! =)

[tpaschal]

I know this-- a year from today I do not want to have my heart rate go up when I see the sob. and I know that i dont want to be obsessing over ow or him anymore....I want my life back

Hey, girlfriend---I'm right there with you on that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that my heart pounds and I feel sick to my stomach when the phone rings and it's H's number on the caller ID. I hate having to deal with him right now, hate having to talk to him, but hate even more that I feel that way, hate that this is the situation.

I have not run into H and OW in public, but I'm sure it will happen someday, cuz, you know, they're "dating." Living together is dating? Uh huh. I try to prepare myself in my head for it, and how I'll react and what I'll say, but I know it will be one of the most incredibly painful things ever.

But I'm tired of worrying about it. Tired of thinking about him. Sometimes I wish he WOULD move far halfway across the country as he's talked about/threatened to do.

But would that be good for my kids? D14 says she wouldn't care, (but I know she really would, because she's been missing him lately, no matter how much she denies it and no matter how angry she is), and sadly, D5 might not even notice it too much, but S9 would be devastated.

I'm tired of him using the kids to manipulate me.

I'm tired of his threats (not physical) and anger.

I'm tired of how much control H still has over my emotions.

Of how much I LET him control my emotions.

[cagzmom]

I am just plain tired.

And I keep messing up - NOTHING that H would ever know but in ways that I know. I obsess about him (mentally) still way to much. WAY to much!! I just asked myself a questin- and i am going to throw it out there...

IF I spent as much time doing _____________ as i do obsessing about H and or ow I would be ____________.

Here are some of the things I thought of...
If I would EXCERCISE as much as I do obsessing about H I would be as fit as I was 2 years ago.

If I would READ the BIBLE as much as I do....I wonder what God would teach me.

If I would spend time LEARNING EXCEL ...I would become very profecient.

If I would spend time reading anything I would gain some brain cells..

Ok then there is if I drank as much--- and well that woudl be very very dangerous!!

Just something to think about. I keep doing what I shouldn't do...even did the FREAKIN' drive by tonight. Some "research" i had done led me to think that OW may be on her way out (again) YES YES I snooped and he is back on Match.com. YET her car was there....needless to say he hasn't found his replacement yet.

Just need to stop it - and yet i choose to do it...i am making CRAPPY CHOICES yet I keep choosing them. WHEN WILL I QUIT IT!!!???

[cat03]

start small. E.i: I just HAD to look inside stbx's car (from the window of course) and try to spot stuff, to see what he was up to, ow's stuff? (he comes to the house to watch kids 2-3x a week til I get there)
It was just ridiculous!
So I decided one day "dont' look, I dare you to walk past his car and not look inside. It was very hard! but I did it, and each time I tried hard, sometimes I'd take a quick peak, but only if it was on the driveway smack by the steps of the house.

Little by little I tried not to check on him nor ask him questions which would eventually let me know if he was by ow's or not. The urges are almost gone, I dont' obsess about "what/where/when" barely, still think of that, but far in between.

It takes a lot of work hon, you can make it!

[cagzmom]

today i am tired of everything being hard

[CMNM]

Hi Cagz.

I am sorry that things are so tough for you right now. I am just here to offer a hug and some support.

I liked your list of alternate activities (and the benefits you will get from them). I tell you, I hate being back in school, but it does keep my mind off of things and for that I am grateful.
How about an Excel class thru your library or community ed? They are cheap that way!

No more drive-bys, you! Remember, he who shall not be named is not the focus here...you are!!!

Take care,
Pam

[cat03]

hugs hon)))))))))))))) I pray you wake up tomorrow with renew strenght and that you claim the day for you, that you don't let him rob you off your joy.

[cagzmom]

I spoke with both bosses already. They will pay for classes to continue my ed as long as it is good for the company. Looking at starting with some accounting classes...as that is the way for me to be valualble here and out there.

Sure would like to just you know. B
CAT your verse is good ..thanks!

[cagzmom]

A friend of mine told me yesterday -- it is time Cagzmom let go. She is a TRUE believer in reconcilation....and was in no way saying give up on God. But she has walked this with me such BOMB day. She was the first person I called after H said the dreaded statement....she has been in my life since we were 10..she knows me well.

I feel it strongly. I have to continue to do this stupid thing called moving ahead and I dont want to. It is time. Trusting is so right about going dark...it helps us keep perspective- it helps our emotions stay in tact so we can think with a level head....it is what my C suggested (he doesn't call it going dark -- but says no contact).

NO contact. Man oh man is it wierd. You walk by them and don't say a word. If there is direct eye to eye contact you give the head nod..a friendly hey how you doin' smile...but you don't act on it. SO NEW FOR ME. I am used to talking to him and asking him questios - trying to see inside his head. But, I haven't face to face talked to him in over a week -maybe 2(HA! seems like so much longer)

What has it done for me?
*Kept my emotions from flying out the window
*Kept me from believing "possible lies"
*Protecting my heart so it can heal
*Doesn't allow me to open teh wound over and over
*Focus on ME (ok not doing great on this one....work in progress)

Even with NC I still can get obssessed...it is a challenge...harder then quitting smoking. I can't "take a hit" or I just go crazy.

I can't figure out what it is that God wants to do in me. Last night I told him that He had all of me. My H used to have all of me. Last summer I told him that I had died inside--that what he had done to me had killed me....I believe that to be true. WHO I WAS is dead...and it is time for some new stinkin' life!!

AGAIN today I say...I want my life back.

[cat03]

I told him that He had all of me.

Then you've won already, wait and watch and feel the peace flood your heart.

I'm SO glad you've claimed your life!!