A Ray of Hope - I hope

[sage]

Is building trust with me so unimportant to him?
Is his word worth nothing?
Will I ever be able to believe him again about anything?

I'll continue to try and take it one day at a time, but in light of my discovering H's lack of honor, it's going to be a lot more difficult.
I was ready to forgive and move on before, but this has mangled something inside of me.

Jeannine --

I don't have any easy answers for you, hon. 'course, if I did, you'd see me apply them in my own sitch!

You know that I've spent a lot of time stuck in a similar sitch -- basically wondering about the failure to be honest on the part of my h. (in the way past, in the recent past -- have no evidence re. the present) and wondering about what that may mean for the future of our m. It clearly doesn't bode well if h. is unable to be honest with me...and there are times when I feel that any current "dishonesties" of any significant proportions could impact his ability to tell me the truth in the future (in other words, if he's withheld something of import from the past, that may greatly diminish his ability to be totally honest in the future).

I've spent a lot of time trying to analyze my own role here -- looking at how my reactions may have impacted his comfort level with disclosure, etc. I certainly have had a role in his discomfort level about expressing ambiguity and/or possibly even talking to me about mundane stuff -- I'm working on that.

In some ways, though, I liken the lying to the way I feel about the a. I had a role in setting the stage for it to happen but I wasn't the one that drove the decision. In other words, I'm more than happy to take responsibility for the role I've played but I'm not taking responsibility for his decision to be unfaithful. sorry. there are other ways for him to manage his own pain, whatever. In a similar vein, yah, I'm sure it's scary to tell the truth in a tight spot...but honesty remains one of the options. If I ask a question which has an answer that you think will set me off...well, answer it anyway and DEAL with my response. a valid choice. (Of course, the semi-flip side is that they don't just fear the emotional response but the practical one too -- will she leave? etc)

I'm not helping here.

I don't know much about the psychology of lying other than what seems sort of obvious. Perhaps that's a place for me to apply some energy.

One thing I would like to offer -- it's kind of wrapped up in the above blur of words -- beyond perhaps some small point, h's inability to be honest with you isn't about YOU. It's about him. And, it's likely to be driven by a thousand different things in him -- fear being top on the list, I think. But, you knew that!

Sage

PS Don't take this the wrong way but I personally think that anger may be the healthiest emotion for you right now -- you do so much for so many -- I think getting royally pissed off and working through it will be of tremendous benefit. Hmmmm...maybe I should get BULLS*&T???