Puppy- new cell, bill is under H's name and he can check it online anytime he wants. Cell is gone. Yahoo messenger deleted off computer. MSN messenger deleted off computer. Myspace account canceled. I have nothing to hide anymore. He can check anything he wants, anytime he wants. I told him this. I told him he has every right to know my whereabouts at every second. I will reassure the heck outta him. It's amazing. The minute I did all of that, the more I realize what a fool I've been. I realize more of how the OM were NOTHING in comparison to him. I was a complete fool. I am still going to need him to change the way he shows me love and we have sooooo many issues to deal with, but I realize that HE is the one I want to do this with.
Leni, our counselors were bad and we shoudl have looked for another but didn't. Looking elsewhere made me feel like I had found exactly what I was looking for, made me feel exactly how I wanted to feel, but it wasn't what I wanted (I just didn't know this at the time). I wanted to be with my husband and feel those things. Making a poor choice is putting it lightly I want to go back and change it all. He and I have both read the Love Language book but although he knew my love language, never chose to change at the time. Unfortunately, it took the A to make him want to learn and change.
Here's the latest on top of the fact I have gotten rid of everything in connection to the OM: Last night, H looked mad and I asked him to talk to me about it. He explained how he has these ups and downs where he feels sooo good being back with me, and then he feels awful because he thinks of the OM with me and touching me, etc. These talks are so painful. He asks more questions and I answer. It is awful. THis is what I deserve. I know this. God, why did I have to do this? He said he never would have guessed I would have done this, it makes me feel even worse. He says, "What have I done to you?" I reassure him that it was my; choice, my stupidity. He says he could have done the same thing but would never have done that to me. He gets mad, I get mad, we both apologize, we cry...we say how this will make us stronger and better and cry some more and hold each other. We have a long, long road ahead of us.
Today I think about him all day, hardly any time spend on thinking about OM. I can't concentrate on work.
