After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

Now, I know that in DBing, we're supposed to refrain from having too many R talks, but I've been at this for so long, and I feel it's well past the time (in my sitch) where I've got to tell H exactly what I want and expect from our M. He has expectations of me, so.....

Yesterday didn't start off so good. Not terribly bad, but it could've been better. I got up rather late since I didn't get home from my sister's and into bed until nearly 3am.

Anyway, H (he worked graveyard that night) and I both woke up around 9:30am. He actually got out of bed about 10 minutes before I did. He walked out of the bedroom to make some calls on his cellphone, then came back into the room while I was making the bed. Now, prior to all of this, I reminded him three days ago (and another two or three before then) that he would have to watch the kids while I went to work on Sunday. He complained then and again yesterday morning that he wasn't going to be able to do anything that he wanted to do if he had to watch them.

I've had enough of this. EVERY time I need him to help out with his OWN children, he pouts like a child. It always seems to be "Me, me, me" with him. So I called him on it. I said, "I'm just going to say this because it's on my mind. I think you are being selfish." H asked, "What do you mean? Why do you say that?" I told him, "It seems to me that whenever you have free time, you want to do what you want, when you want. That's ok. It really is, and you deserve that. But if that doesn't happen, you become upset and complain about it. There have been many times when I've wanted to do certain things by myself, but I couldn't because I had to care for the boys. I don't complain about it. I just deal with it. I'll even take them with me if I have to, if I can't find a sitter......I told you I had to work today and that I would need you to watch the kids." H said, "I know that. I AM going to watch them. It just sucks that I don't get to do what I want to do on my day off!"

He started getting upset and was about to walk out of the room when he turned back to me and said, "I can't believe you said I'm selfish. How can you say that? I feel like I'm selfLESS. I work my a$$ off to give you guys everything!"

I said, "You're right. You do. You absolutely DO work VERY hard, and I can only imagine what that must be like. I don't know what it PHYSICALLY feels like to be you. I don't, but I do know that you work hard to provide for your family, and for that I am extremely grateful and always will be.....But I believe the problem is that since you work this hard, that you feel entitled to do what you want, whenever you want, and you don't want to hear any BS about it whatsoever.....and that BS is when I talk to you about how I feel. My feelings are BS, and I don't think that's right."

H didn't say anything. Just kind of closed his eyes for a moment, then said again, "How can you tell me that I'm selfish?" I told him I was sorry, but that was how I felt. That was what I believed, and he made it an even stronger belief when he admitted it to me himself.

Nothing was said for a few moments until I spoke up and said, "H, when you came to me the last time and said that you didn't want a D, I told you exactly what I would need from you. You would have to move back in, which you did, and we would have to spend time together. We went to the Kings' game that weekend, and I thought we had a great time, but then there was nothing after that. It's been almost two months since we've done anything......I'm in the house, everyday, every week, with the kids. I need and want to get out of the house from time to time, and I would like to do that with you. Spending time together makes me feel loved.....I want to be loved.....I deserve to feel loved. I feel that I've been trying to make things better with you, and for you because I want you to be happy and comfortable here. Thank you for mellowing out with me about the changes you wanted made. I really appreciate that very much.......I cannot make this M better all on my own. There has to be effort coming from both sides. If you feel that you can't try, or that you don't want to spend time together, then you should be honest about it and tell me. I deserve that just as much as you do."

Again, he didn't say anything, so I went to take my shower. As soon as I got out, he got in and talked with me a little about other things. Just chit-chat, more or less.

I also asked him during that R talk if he had gone to (friend)'s house to pick up his mail recently (I don't think he's done an address change with the post office). He said yes and asked why. I told him I just wanted to see if he got anything from my ATTY regarding the continuance date. He hesitated but said he did. Then he asked, "What's going to happen?" I said I didn't know.

When I got home from work yesterday, H asked if I minded if he went for a bike ride on his Harley. I said of course not. He came back about an hour and a half later and pretty much hung out in the man-cave. One of his coworkers stopped by and had some dinner that I made for us. H came inside and asked me what food we could give to this guy (he's in sad, rough financial situation), so we went through the pantry together and filled a huge sack for him with lots of food and goodies. Before H went back outside to give him the stuff, he thanked me and said he really appreciated me doing this. Rubbed my arm a little. I told him no prob, it was cool.

After his friend left, he came back inside and we watched some TV together. He was being a little playful, and I just went along with it. At 10:30pm, H was ready for bed, but I wasn't yet. He asked how much longer I was going to be up for, and I said not much longer, so he laid back down on the couch until I was ready. We went to bed, but nothing happened. Wasn't expecting anything to.

He was supposed to be off today, but he decided to go in anyway and work on some more rail cars. I actually was expecting that. Before he left this morning, he told the kids he loved them and wished me a good day. I wished him the same.

I called him earlier this afternoon to see what time he was getting off since I didn't know if he was working a regular shift or a double. He said just a regular one today, so he should be back around 5, 5:30pm or so. During this call, he told me he feels inadequate. I asked him what he meant, and he said he feels like there are other guys out there that could make me happy where he cannot. I told him that sometimes I felt the same way in reverse - there might be someone else out there that could possibly be better for him than me. He said he doubted it, and he would probably be miserable. I said it seems that he's miserable even now. He said, "Well.....then I guess try to imagine it being a whole lot worse."

He also said he thinks the whole situation is just so unfair. If we split up, he will have to give up so much, and he will have to work even harder to be able to pay child/spousal support as well as having to provide for himself. He said again, "It's so f***ing unfair."