Hi Sally, Glad you had a good trip with the kids. Funny, but when we took trips as a family, it was always a stress. Just me and the kids is always a blast, very little stress and lots of fun.
Anyway, I thought I would state the obvious: MLC = you don't have the slightest clue what you want and certainly not what is important in life. In fact, that is exactly why a person has a crisis when faced with their own mortality, as one is at mid-life.
Me? I'm going to race my best time ever in my triathlon this weekend and then go figure out what overpriced toys I can buy for my next race! Is that a MLC???? Doesn't feel like a crisis, just like fun!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Sally, I hope that you don't mind, but I am trying to channel some of your energy and outlook right now :0) You sound really good, and I can picture S in his uniform!! Glad to hear that vacation went so well--I had forgotten your plans. We went to VA Beach about 3 years ago and it was beautiful, something I'd like to do again someday.
Are you thinking about selling your house? Is there someplace in particular you'd like to go?
sd, same here trips with the kids sans h is way less stressful than with him. doesn't mean I don't miss him at times, but I also see the silver linings. I realize how much of my energy was spent making sure he was happy (or at so I thought) and doing things in his style as opposed to my own. and yes, I keep reminding myself that h is in crisis, because that just seems to describe it all so well. he is. and it helps me to empathize more with him when I step back and realize that.
donna, if we divorce we will most likely have to sell the house. unless h wants to give me far more than he "has" to, I won't be able to make the payments. well, not if we want to eat. lol. its such a sucky economy right now, and it saddens me to sell because we'll lose so much that we put into it. but like so much else, its something I will accept and move on from. hope you make it back to VA again soon. I love it there. we were in NoVa.
wow, what a fun and oh-so-busy weekend! can I just say there is nothing on earth better than t-ball? I don't think I've laughed so much in a loooong time. just a thing of beauty. and the kids had sooo much fun. There were a couple of hard moments with h, just watching him interact with all the kids made me miss him a bit, but overall I was fine. especially considering so much of the weekend was spent with him! we even went out to lunch with the kids 2x and out to ice cream with them.
there was a moment yesterday where h started yelling at me/making me feel like I was a complete idiot and it reminded me just how silver those linings can be at times that I don't have to deal with the criticism anymore (not that he was like that a lot pre-affair, but the last year and a half were like that). he was frustrated and it was raining and that was fine, but the way he spoke to me was not. I went to park and when we met back up 20 minutes later, the first thing out of his mouth was an apology. that was pretty big, actually. I was thrown and just said, "that's okay" and he said, "is it?" and I said, "no, actually, it isn't okay. thanks for the apology." so it ended nicely.
there were 2 weird moments...one was at lunch yesterday after the pictures and parade (for baseball teams). h and I were joking a bit about a pen he stole from me that morning. its just a really good pen...really smoothe. he took it from the house and taunted me with it, then finally gave it back to me over lunch. I laughed and said it was my consolation prize. he got a bit offended and said he hadn't done anything yet (meaning file or contact an atty). um, wtf?? not done anything? you may not have found a mediator, but you live with another woman and have been working toward a divorce for a loooong time now. wtf was that about? I did NOT comment, other than a raised eyebrow since the kids were there.
the other thing was the e-mail I woke up to this morning. I wrote him on friday that I cancelled my trip for next weekend because I am freaked about the economy and also because I don't know how much the divorce will end up costing and I'm just not comfortable spending the money right now. he just got the e-mail today and wrote back asking why I was so hot to bring up the D word lately.
wtf?
seriously. I don't think he has ever even used the word, just euphamisms for it. its almost ludicrous that he is so offended (apparently) by my use of it. I mean, wtf? he wants the divorce, he wants the kids to meet OW, he wants his life to move on, but he gets affronted that I actually use the term? he's going to have to get way less coy if we are ever going to make it thru this.
okay, enough about him. I saw Leaving Sarah Marshall last week and loved it, if anyone is looking for a movie. He just made a great LBS. won't give anything away, but just have to say it was the perfect movie for me this past week. I was really pulling for him to GAL, to find and follow his dreams.
Hope everyone is doing well.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Good to see that you got away and had a nice time. I'm sure the distance helped with your perspective as well.
Did you ever consider that maybe husband is hoping that you will do all of the dirty work? I just can't figure out why else he would say and do the things he does. Like you said, he's already with the OW, and he knows you know, so why is he draggin his feet? Mine did the same thing. Well heck, not just mine you read it all of the time. Some guys just get a divorce because they don't want to be with that person, period. Others have somekind of ulterior motive. They don't want to be seen as the bad guy OR they don't want to burn bridges until they're certain. Somethings definitely up with him or he would have found the mediator by now. That's not so hard to do.
hell yeah, beth. h totally wants me to do the dirty work. I told him lets go, lets get this wrapped up, but told him he has to make the appt with the mediator. which includes finding one...I put out feelers and let him know I did, but haven't had a recommendation yet. my work is done as far as I'm concerned. if I don't like who he picks eventually, I will say so and get more involved, but he needs to get the ball rolling. this is his ballgame at this point.
I think he has a hard time shutting down any option. not so sure I am an option anymore. I was willing to be for a long time. and when he started sounding like he was coming out of his fog in january and started really apologizing and accepting some responsibility I started to have some hope again. but after out last conversation where he told me point blank that was just a bad moment (guessing fight with ow) and that he is choosing ow because she is a guarantee, well, that's that. I am done. I see the future and the big D is it.
I was telling lwb the other day that divorce feels a lot like physical therapy to me. its not something I ever wanted, and it seems to impossible, such a high mountain to climb. but every day I need to do a little bit toward that end...and the more I do, the stronger I will get. so I keep plodding away, keep doing the reps and trying new moves and will get there eventually. but damn if h doesn't keep adding more weight, throwing curves at me.
he probably doesn't even remember the comment or the e-mail, but as much as I recognize it all for what it is, there is still a bit of a wake that I have to contend with...that I have to fight thru.
but yeah, I am good overall. thanks bethie.
coming to boston anytime soon?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
but damn if h doesn't keep adding more weight, throwing curves at me.
Hi M,
Nice to hear from you. You know, I've been thrown a few of those curves myself here lately. Ironically, once I found out how blatantly dishonest and misplaced her reconciliatory gestures were towards me, the easier it was to live with the decision I made a year and a half ago to walk away for good. Just like in your case, it had more to do with her relationship with the OM then me.
From what I have learned on this board, many of them do it. Not sure why they do it, but it always seems about the time your actually over them.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
so bummed I'm not going to memphis this weekend. grumble grumble. but its the right decision for me right now. still, have a drink for me, okay?
yep, seems like a lot of WAS do this. I wonder if they even realize how it affects the LBS? I think its more of a whim on h's part at times. something that sticks with me, but he forgets about. but I'm getting past that. yep, I am.
what's up with you?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hi Sally, First, you really sound great... lucid, focussed, driving towards a goal. However, are you sure you are focusing on the right goal? I think we all start out RE-acting to our WAS. First to the bomb and then by defining our goals in relation to them.
Originally Posted By: SallyM
h totally wants me to do the dirty work. I told him lets go, lets get this wrapped up, but told him he has to make the appt with the mediator. which includes finding one...I put out feelers and let him know I did, but haven't had a recommendation yet. my work is done as far as I'm concerned. if I don't like who he picks eventually, I will say so and get more involved, but he needs to get the ball rolling. this is his ballgame at this point.
What is your goal?
It seems to me that your H is so lost in the fog of MLC that he is willing to pay for the house, etc. for quite a while. This can be a great gift to you...time to spend with the kids in a stable environment...time for you to explore educational/career opportunities... WHATEVER IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!
Quote:
I think he has a hard time shutting down any option. not so sure I am an option anymore. I was willing to be for a long time. and when he started sounding like he was coming out of his fog in january and started really apologizing and accepting some responsibility I started to have some hope again. but after out last conversation where he told me point blank that was just a bad moment (guessing fight with ow) and that he is choosing ow because she is a guarantee, well, that's that. I am done. I see the future and the big D is it.
OK, this is just a therapists dream! 1. MLC, much?! 2. "guarantee" WTF, is he 12? There are no guarantees, even he knows this. If there were, would life even be worth living?
Sally, my .02$: Just give him a ton of space. He is totally confused. He knows he is totally confused. OW has her own issues, why else would she get involved with a married man, for starters? She is in fact as close to a guarantee as you get. Namely that she will find him completely boring and unattractive once he is actually available and will start looking for her next challenge!
Quote:
he probably doesn't even remember the comment or the e-mail
We all remember selectively. There is so much that we say and hear every day that this is true even for those of us not in MLC! He is so focused on himself right now that there is really no hope that he will remember any of this, much less realize the impact that his words/actions might have on others!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
hey Sally girl))) glad you had fun at vA beach, you weren't too far from me.
You sound very good and i'm glad for that, and i too agree he wants you to do the dirty work, he must've lost his spine somewhere. A word of caution about mediators, i had to call at least 7, some charge too much, another told me she din't guarantee the judge would accept her SA, another told me they 'd needed at least 7 sessions, etc etc. I didn't trust stbx, he just wanted to go with the first guy on the county. So, if and when the time comes shop around, dont' tell him you are, but do ask questions, like how long the tipical mediation lasts, how many meetings and how many hrs, how much for the writing of the actual sA and stuff.
Anyways, i'll let you rinse the sand off your butt now, lol
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
