There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

sd, same here trips with the kids sans h is way less stressful than with him. doesn't mean I don't miss him at times, but I also see the silver linings. I realize how much of my energy was spent making sure he was happy (or at so I thought) and doing things in his style as opposed to my own. and yes, I keep reminding myself that h is in crisis, because that just seems to describe it all so well. he is. and it helps me to empathize more with him when I step back and realize that.

donna, if we divorce we will most likely have to sell the house. unless h wants to give me far more than he "has" to, I won't be able to make the payments. well, not if we want to eat. lol. its such a sucky economy right now, and it saddens me to sell because we'll lose so much that we put into it. but like so much else, its something I will accept and move on from. hope you make it back to VA again soon. I love it there. we were in NoVa.

wow, what a fun and oh-so-busy weekend! can I just say there is nothing on earth better than t-ball? I don't think I've laughed so much in a loooong time. just a thing of beauty. and the kids had sooo much fun. There were a couple of hard moments with h, just watching him interact with all the kids made me miss him a bit, but overall I was fine. especially considering so much of the weekend was spent with him! we even went out to lunch with the kids 2x and out to ice cream with them.

there was a moment yesterday where h started yelling at me/making me feel like I was a complete idiot and it reminded me just how silver those linings can be at times that I don't have to deal with the criticism anymore (not that he was like that a lot pre-affair, but the last year and a half were like that). he was frustrated and it was raining and that was fine, but the way he spoke to me was not. I went to park and when we met back up 20 minutes later, the first thing out of his mouth was an apology. that was pretty big, actually. I was thrown and just said, "that's okay" and he said, "is it?" and I said, "no, actually, it isn't okay. thanks for the apology." so it ended nicely.

there were 2 weird moments...one was at lunch yesterday after the pictures and parade (for baseball teams). h and I were joking a bit about a pen he stole from me that morning. its just a really good pen...really smoothe. he took it from the house and taunted me with it, then finally gave it back to me over lunch. I laughed and said it was my consolation prize. he got a bit offended and said he hadn't done anything yet (meaning file or contact an atty). um, wtf?? not done anything? you may not have found a mediator, but you live with another woman and have been working toward a divorce for a loooong time now. wtf was that about? I did NOT comment, other than a raised eyebrow since the kids were there.

the other thing was the e-mail I woke up to this morning. I wrote him on friday that I cancelled my trip for next weekend because I am freaked about the economy and also because I don't know how much the divorce will end up costing and I'm just not comfortable spending the money right now. he just got the e-mail today and wrote back asking why I was so hot to bring up the D word lately.

wtf?

seriously. I don't think he has ever even used the word, just euphamisms for it. its almost ludicrous that he is so offended (apparently) by my use of it. I mean, wtf? he wants the divorce, he wants the kids to meet OW, he wants his life to move on, but he gets affronted that I actually use the term? he's going to have to get way less coy if we are ever going to make it thru this.

okay, enough about him. I saw Leaving Sarah Marshall last week and loved it, if anyone is looking for a movie. He just made a great LBS. won't give anything away, but just have to say it was the perfect movie for me this past week. I was really pulling for him to GAL, to find and follow his dreams.

Hope everyone is doing well.